Can you stay present when it gets hard?

Over the last year, I have written about sexual harm, accountability, and the pitfalls of the criminal legal system. During that same time period, most of the cases we have worked on at Ampersands have not been about sexual harm. We decided that it was time to expand our horizons.

It got me thinking about the work I do in my day job as a professor of criminal justice and coordinator of my program. I’ve been thinking a lot about my students and the skills I teach them. Those skills are actually the foundation of restorative practice and building restorative cultures. Restorative justice is not a tool; it is a way of being in the world. If we can learn those skills, we will all be better off.

In my day job, I oversee the department’s daily operations. I interface with students both in the classroom and as the coordinator. I facilitate meetings with colleagues and staff and work with colleagues from other academic units.

I’ve been in this role for over six years, so I have had the time and space to really pay attention. I have listened to colleagues in my own department and across other units talk about toxicity and conflict. They often feel dread when attending faculty meetings. I have watched students calculate the cost of speaking before opening their mouths, not because they had nothing to say, but because they feared being judged, misunderstood, or canceled. In each of these situations I noticed that people saw disagreement as danger instead of as possibility. I could see that people were, and often are, afraid to show up.

This isn’t a motivation problem. It isn’t a moral failure or leadership failure. It’s a skills gap.

We ask people to navigate conflict across deep difference — in moments of grief, rage, and harm — without ever teaching them how. We don’t expect students to write research papers without instruction. Yet somehow we expect people to sit across profound disagreement and simply know what to do.

Over the years of facilitating restorative circles, I’ve identified five skills that can help address this skills gap, help us navigate conflict more effectively, and make real cultural change possible. They are skills I teach my students and my restorative justice clients. Over the next several posts I will dig deeper into each of these skills, but for now I want to introduce you to them.

The first is emotional regulation: Noticing when you’re activated and pausing before you react. Most professional conflict isn’t actually dangerous. It feels dangerous because our nervous systems can’t distinguish between a colleague who disagrees with you and a threat to our survival.

The second is understanding the difference between intent and impact: Good intent does not erase harmful impact. “I didn’t mean to” is not repair. You can say both — I didn’t intend to hurt you, and I understand that I did. Neither cancels the other.

The third is receiving feedback: Most organizations teach people how to give feedback, and almost none teach people how to receive it. Replace “but you also ...” with “help me understand what that was like for you.” That single phrase is the difference between a conversation that opens and one that closes.

The fourth is meaningful apology: Name the specific behavior, acknowledge the impact, offer no justification, and make a behavioral commitment. Not “I’m sorry if I came across as dismissive.” But: “I interrupted you three times. That likely felt like your perspective didn’t matter. I’m sorry. I will wait until you’ve finished speaking before I respond.”

The fifth — and hardest — is tolerating discomfort: Staying in conversations that are hard. Not every silence needs to be filled. Not every disagreement needs to be resolved immediately. Discomfort is not harm.

I once worked with a woman named Alicia — a trauma survivor who had spent her life unable to ask for what she needed, saying yes when she meant no, going along to get along. After months of work and a restorative circle, something shifted. When the person who had caused her harm didn’t follow through on a commitment, she named it. She told him his lack of follow-through was harmful. She stayed present.

This is what I’m trying to build in the sexual harm space and beyond. I’m not seeking to eliminate conflict or discomfort. I’m working to help people build the capacity to stay in the hard. To say the thing instead of swallowing it, to slow the room down instead of letting it fracture, and to remain in relationship even when it is hard or uncomfortable.

As a society, we tend to rely on policies and procedures. But culture change doesn’t live in better rules; It lives in better relationships.

And it all comes down to one question.

Can you stay present when it gets hard?

Every time someone chooses to stay, the culture changes. That is how we learn to handle conflict without causing more harm.