You are not lazy, you are afraid.

When you procrastinate from your creative process - what are you running from?

This is a question I ask artists all the time. I want us to sit in that moment where you get up from your easel, instrument, laptop, notepad - and you wonder into the kitchen and re-arrange the cutlery draw so that it’s no longer knives forks spoon, but spoons fork knives - what is happening in that moment? What made you run away?

For many of us, we just don’t know, we don’t linger in the moment long enough to discover it. Instead, we call ourselves lazy, procrastinators, imposters and we sit in the shame and hate ourselves.

You are not lazy. You are afraid. I believe we run from our art because, for some reason or another we are scared or at least deeply uncomfortable.

But what are you fearing? What is making you so squirmy? These things needs to be understood and tended to if we want to come back to our creativity with consistency.

For the past several years, the number one reason why I walk away from my creative practice is because of the immense discomfort I feel when I am confused. I experience acute frustration when I do not understand what is going on with my current creation. Sitting in the mental state of “I don’t know what to do next” feels like seven billion ants running over my skin.

I will run from that feeling.

In fact, I am running right now. I have another essay I wanted to write about how our late capitalist system is designed to stop artists from thriving and I am confused about how to articulate my big feelings and big ideas.

So here I find myself, on another tab, fleeing the feeling of… “ahhh… what the fuck am I trying to say? I am so confused… what the hell… what”.

I understand that I do not like the feeling of confusion and I understand that I will run from it - but I am using this essay to further understand what about this particular feeling is so intolerable to me, and how I can find ways to sit with it rather than running from it. Because, confusion is a part of the creative process that cannot be skipped. Frustration, being lost, being very disoriented will always be part of my life, because I always intend to write and create and make things.

My first theory is that, Confusion over stimulates me. I have a central nervous system that is very sensitive to being over stimulated. I cannot handle too many noises at once, too many sensations at once, too many anythings at once. Looking at my essay and seeing all the different threads of thought, looking at my next non fic book and seeing all the seemingly unconnected arguments, looking at my novel and seeing all the random plot points - it all makes me feel so fucking over stimulated. Too much noise. I cannot hold it all in my head at once.

Another big part of my problem, that I am theorising in this very moment, is that my creative process is very action oriented. I will just take the next tiny step. That is my power. But if I do not have a next tiny step to take, because it is all in my head, because I must problem solve, because I must sort through the many disconnected ideas - I will run. I do not like to have no physical action to take. I feel trapped.

I don’t think I enjoy thinking my problems through, I want to bash through them, with brute force, with action. Which does often work. But sometimes, I must sit with confusion, sometimes I must use allow my brain to muddle through. Sometimes, I cannot just continue to spew out words, I must organise them.

Do I not trust that I will come out the other side?

I am wondering if my fear and intense emotion is a feeling of distrust? Am I afraid I have found an entire dead end? But if I could share two journal entries from two months ago:

20th June:

I haven’t felt so blocked in years. I do not want to write this book. I am so at sea with what I want to say and so confused. I feel doubt like I haven’t since I was young. I feel like this book is a bunch of loose hairs sticking to me after a shower, this is frustration, and I desperate for flow, for break through. This is the worst block I’ve ever had. I fear this is the project I will not crack.

21st June:

I’ve worked through that block.

I have never not gotten through a block. I have trust that I will get out the other side of any creative problem. It’s just that the getting through it is so uncomfortable. That is why I run.

I think it is my job to figure out how to regulate through the confusion, it is my job to find ways to make confusion feel safe. Not comfortable, but safe. It is my job to sit with the feeling of overstimulation and find ways to tell my body that it is safe to have 100 thoughts, it is safe to be confused, it’s even safe to be frustrated.

I think a part of moving through my blocks is not to run away, but to walk away, a choice - not a reaction. I think I often need space from my ideas, to walk, to process away from the page, to give my brain space to disentangle. And to come back after some regulation. This is hard for me, as someone who wants to constantly create, but … I am going to give it a go. Will report back.

Thank you for processing this with me,

please feel free to process your own running away in the comments.

I love going on this journey with you.

Amie.

P.S I am hosting two masterclasses. August 22nd. Live, recorded and sent to you. Paid substack subscribers only. But you are more than welcome to become a paid subscriber for a single month in order to join - for 8 dollars!

The first masterclass: How to fuck Zuckerberg over, instead of him fucking you. (AKA: how to actually thrive as an artist on social media.)

The Second Masterclass : Business for artist - tactics, strategies, discussions about making money, marketing, branding, all the words you cringe away from.

You deserve to be seen, artist. You deserve to make money from your art, creator.

I would love to see you there.