I will not apologise for how I prioritise my life

I am in an era of creative devotion, and my life reflects that. Art first. Muggle shit later.

My life centres around writing books, painting, reading, caring for my body and mind, supporting artists, challenging myself intellectually, mulling over ideas, creating things with my partner, putting ideas out in the world that I feel need sharing. I put a lot of responsibilities, relationships, and ‘duties’ below that creative work.

The optics are not good.

There is a lot of suspicion towards a person who refuses to arrange their life around being useful, available, and easily understood. There is a borderline moral panic towards a person who isn’t useful, available or understandable because they have prioritised their creativity, and their art.

When you tell someone that you can’t come to coffee because that’s your writing time, you are often seen as someone who takes themselves way too seriously, and is bit of a bad friend. An artist that is selfish, delusional, too much.

More likely, though, you’ve learned not to tell someone you’re prioritising your art at all because you know the response you’ll get.

There is very little tolerance for Creative Devotion in our world but I am going to carve it out anyway and I want you to as well.

I am writing this essay as I navigate the guilt of living a life with creativity at its centre. Every time something comes up that I should prioritise but is not prioritised in my life right now, I go into fight or flight. Mostly the fight. I must fight for my life of creative devotion. I brace as I put in a boundary, postpone, delay, say no, not respond. I try to explain my decision to myself over and over again, in a way that says: Amie, you are still not quite convinced that you’re allowed to do this. You still think this is wrong. There is a scared part of me that is convinced that my current way of living is a selfish way of living.

There is a famous artist I am acquainted with who will take months and months to reply to texts from their loved ones. They are very inaccessible. No one flinches because they’re “FAMOUS ARTIST”, they are allowed to be that way. They are busy with their art.

I am busy with my art too. And I refuse to have to become famous in order to be allowed to prioritise my art above other parts of my life.

I feel really guilty writing this. I should tone it down. Maybe you are going to think I am a shitty person. Who doesn’t want to reply to their friends’ texts?

Or PERHAPS I am a person who knows exactly what she wants, and is aware of the magic she is capable of, and so she demands time and space to see this through.

If you prioritise your art in your life, many people will want an apology. Here are some of the reasons why:

• Creative work has been infantilised. It is an activity for your spare time. A reward to enjoy after you’ve been “actually productive, useful and responsible”. To centre art in your life is going to be seen as inexplicably self indulgent to someone who is convinced art is dessert. Only to be had after the main meal. Only kids wanna eat the ice cream first. They have forgotten that Art is how we change the culture, how we make communities, how we regulate our bodies, how we find ourselves, how we survive.

• Capitalism finds creative devotion suspicious because much of what the artist does is unquantifiable. In order to Create the artist must rest, wander around, sit in silence, read, stare into space thinking, go on walks, tinker, fuck up. These crucial activities do not fit into KPI’s. A lot of creative labour looks like nothing until it becomes something. That is inexplicable to many, (and actual magic to me).

• If your art doesn’t make money, you can’t centre it in your life according to our current economic system. Money made is the only metric to decide whether something is important or not. Which is, I hope you can at least intellectually understand, fucking insane.

• Devotion before external validation looks delusional to people. People understand obsession only when it has produced external success. Before that, they think you’re being self indulgent. Obsession and devotion is not a reward for success. It is part of how we become artists in the first place and find our version of success.

• Availability is mistaken for goodness. People think being a good person means being constantly reachable, responsive, helpful, flexible. This is not a description of a good person, it is a description of a people pleaser.

When you centre creativity—a project, a vision in your life—some people will think you are flaky, selfish, “not a real adult” etc. They are wrong. And even though they are wrong it is not your job to convince them otherwise.

Your job is to create.

When your life does not match the approved template, there will always be people who demand you explain your choices and prove to them that they are respectable, responsible choices. Listen to me: you will not be able to explain it to their satisfaction. Your needs as a devoted artist will ALWAYS sound unreasonable to people who do not believe art is necessary, to people who have been ignoring their own creativity their whole life. Stop wasting your precious energy trying to make these people understand you and your choices.

You do not need to be legible, intelligible, understandable. You are so much more than that: you are an artist. You do not need to convince anyone that your priorities are in order, you need to convince yourself.

If you choose to live a life of an artist it will look very different to other people. You will need things that other people don’t. You will require an environment that is different to other people. You will be sensitive to things that no one else is.

I want you to feel like you can ask for things beyond the norm. I want you to see that your creative journey should be allowed a lot of concessions and special considerations. I want you to be able to put in place boundaries that perplex people but really benefit you. I want you to be inaccessible when you need to be. I want you to take yourself fucking seriously.

Some things you should ask for if you want them:

• A quieter life

• Fewer plans

• The time to fuck around without doing anything productive

• More time than other people think is reasonable

• Not to be interrupted

• The freedom to not go

• The freedom to leave early

• To be taken seriously before you’re sickeningly famous

• To be inaccessible

I am not asking you to be a diva—but also, I am. What you’re doing is important. You are a visionary, act like it.

• I will not apologise for my priorities nor are my priorities up for review.

• I am not accountable to you or to anyone else for how I spend my time.

• I am allowed to ask for delusional, ‘ridiculous’ concessions to support my art. Because my art is important.

• I do not need to submit evidence that my life makes sense. My life is not a spectacle to be judged.

• I am not accessible to everyone. Sometimes I am not accessible to anyone. I choose when I am available, without apology.

• My calendar is not a public document, open for anyone to browse and insert themselves in when they see a spare slot (But between me and you, my calendar is quite literally Michael Scott’s. I will not be moving free play until tomorrow morning.)

I guess I am treating myself like a high performer, because I fucking am.

And I intend to continue being that way. :)

Please feel free to follow my lead.

Amie

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