Staying in Self-Love

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

I found this quote, by Goethe, on a photo my husband took of me the summer before we were married. I’m standing in a patch of June sun looking happy, carefree. Except this picture was taken during a period of my adulthood that I’d rather not return to, when my working life felt like it was going nowhere—and I was content with being me, but it seemed there was never anywhere I could find that I would fit. And so, I was also deeply discontented, and the question of who I was supposed to be in order to find belonging was always at the forefront of my mind.

I have a friend going through something similar now: this where do I go, who must I be sensation that takes hold of every part of her, of us, when we cannot see the soft sides of the world. When reality is too hard, too harsh, and we are at the mercy of The Things That Matter Least: work, politics, pettiness, keeping up appearances, sharing opinions loudly and online. There were times during my own experience of trying to find my way that it felt my sensitivity was always right under the surface of my skin; someone could have looked at me the wrong way and I’d have burst into tears.

It was easy, is easy, to be engulfed by the bigness of life, to not know which direction to take, and which, at what time, is a Thing That Matters Most or a Thing That Matters Least. What’s difficult to remember is that the unimportant things can often blur with the important ones. Work: matters. Because having a livelihood matters, and for some, their identity is tied closely to what they do each day. Then, it also does not matter what you do for work, if it is just work that has to be done and there is something else that fuels you.

These days, though I feel I’ve found my rightful place, I get rejection letters at least once a week. I never know when they’re coming—sometimes, it’s the first thing I read in the morning (thank you for your interest in our magazine but we are going to pass this time)—these relentless, unsavoury responses pertaining to the thing I do that I love most, that I work hard on. I live in a silo of two consistent sounds reverberating back at me: the anonymous and loud NOs beaten off by my silent YESes and all the things I must tell myself to just keep going.

But. I get these responses enough that they are swiftly categorized into The Least pile. Because what matters to me is not just being successful, it’s being able to grow and learn as a writer, and to connect with other people in a meaningful way. It’s learning to not just be content with who I am and where I fit, but to pull back on myself, to love her and care about how she’s doing, to tend to The Things That Matter Most: not letting the NOs get too loud, or feeling the world too harshly, or worrying. Definitely not worrying.

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Book Recommendations | Cozy Summer Reads

Out East: Memoir of a Montauk Summer by John Glynn

Author John Glynn retells the story if the summer of 2013 and his experience living at a communal cottage along the Atlantic, “The Hive.” A nagging sense of loneliness has followed him here, where, at 27, he falls in love with a male roommate. Beautifully written, relatable—themes of unrequited love and longing—and easy to enjoy.

The Pisces by Melissa Broder

At once ridiculous and absorbing, The Pisces is the story of a woman who becomes romantically entangled with a merman while house sitting for her sister in Venice Beach. It’s weird, fun fiction that will keep you hooked from the first page.

Outline by Rachel Cusk

A woman travels to Greece to host a summer writing course. Outline is famous for essentially detonating the concept of character in a beautiful, magnetic way. While Faye is our main method of transport through the story, the reader understands her experience primarily through the people she encounters and the stories they tell her. Read for the mood of travelling abroad and deeply human interactions and insights.