Awake to Life

The hum of my window air conditioner unit is so loud I cannot think as I write this, or try to write this—me, sitting at my desk not three feet away from the off button, my head wrapped in a fresh towel after a long bike ride that ended in this same me jumping into the lake and then promptly falling in the sand. A nice man told me I had a cool design on my leggings. I had to tell him it was just dirt.

Life has been odd lately. Strange and tragic events have rippled in and out of my periphery: sickness, heartache, missing people, sudden death. I’ve understood times of my own tumult—being in the thrashing grip of life—but this season is different. It is punctuated by the losses others are experiencing; losses I must stand by and witness. Where, lightly, gently, I am called to act (join in mourning) and react (comfort), observe (what do they need right now?) and serve (what do you need right now?).

I look around and wonder, to no one in particular, what is it that you see? I know each day that I see life and opportunity and vibrancy. Gratefully, I see the calm of summer. I smell its haze. I feel its splendour. I make time for sitting with it.

But, then, too, many parts of my life are still blurry. I am venturing into a new career path. I’m shedding parts of myself that once made sense but no longer do. I’m taking a step back from ways of being that rooted me in the place I was, but aren’t a part of where I’m going.

And it’s odd, this being in the midst of rootlessness when, so consistently, the terms of finality are so present for those I love and those I know.

Why am I here and not them?
What does it all mean?
Am I awake enough to life?
Is that what it means?

There is a knowing for me. Deep, somewhere—that this is where I’m supposed to be. And that I am changing because I am awake to life. But then, if I must be so insistent—I am, I am!—what am I missing? What am I not seeing?

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Read My Work

“I Wish I Could Go to Costco With My Parents,” recently published by Funicular Magazine.

“The Clearing,” in issue four of Archetype: A Literary Journal.

“Everything Belongs,” in Prairie Fire’s 2023 Summer edition.