Do I actually want a boyfriend?

Last night I was driving my girlfriend Maury home from a wildly fun birthday party. We had an hour of interrupted car time together to and from the party, which gave us enough time to cover a million different topics. I love my friendship with Maury, as we always skip the small talk and jump directly into the most important parts of our lives.

After a midnight field trip to In ‘n Out on our way home, we reached the topic of my love life. I’ve been divorced for almost 10 years, and as we moved to the topic of my love life, she said:

“I don’t think you’ve mentioned wanting a boyfriend once in the past 10 years.”

You know what? She was right.

I talk a big game about finding that special someone once I accomplish my work dreams, which are in high gear. But as I thought about it, I realized that even when I have written down “find an amazing partner” as something to manifest, it has always been a half-hearted thing that I just add at the bottom of my list.

Why do we think this is the case?

I’m so glad you asked. ;)

Two reasons.

1. The friendships I’ve created and maintained are the largest source of joy in my life. I receive a ridiculous amount of love from a wide variety of souls. I connect with each of them for different reasons. Of course I look forward to the physical intimacy and connection that comes with a romantic partnership, but I wake up daily feeling excited to connect with the loves in my life.

While I was mulling this over this morning, I made a list of every person I feel real love for, and the list was so long. Working backwards from last night, here are a few that came to mind:

• Leeb and Ashley-I don’t get to see them often, but when I see this couple I am reminded of the connection I have with each of them. Leeb is probably the only man I align with spiritually, and Ashley is one of the best moms and human beings I’ve ever met. When we’re together, she fills me up with wisdom, JOY, and goodness. And so much laughter.

• My dad–I feel much closer to him since he passed. I can physically feel him next to me. He is my comedy and culinary soulmate and my biggest cheerleader. He shows up at least once a day in some crazy way to keep me joyful.

• My tribe of girlfriends. I have formed so many wonderful friendships over the span of 54 years, and each one of them fills my cup in a unique way. My hairstylist Carolyn is the deepest person I know. My friend Jennifer (Freed) can see inside my soul, which has changed the trajectory of my life. My cousin Amy has loved me like a mother, a sister, and best friend rolled into one. Sunny lights up my life in a way that no one else can, showing up for sleepovers on a Monday night and trips to Swensen’s. Jodi-my sweet friend since the first day of first grade who knows me like only a friend of that length could. Maury and I can go deep in seconds, which is such a relief to have with a friend.

• Babies-I have a few special babies in my life. You’ve all seen Tripp on my IG (my favorite almost-three year old) and now his beautiful new sibling is my birthday twin. And I’ve been so lucky to get to know my other friends’ baby boy, who is legitimately one of my favorite people to hang out with.

• Louise and my other angels who have passed. They are always showing up to remind me I’m on the right track.

• The boys who live downstairs provide me with joy. Sparkle. Light. And soon disco parties.

• My Coffee Posse. I have met some of the most incredible people ever in my coffee shop. Going there daily is like walking into the Central Perk, waiting to see which great person I get to connect with before our days start.

• My Boys. They expanded my heart in a way I never expected.

The list continued, with different friends holding different places in my heart for very different reasons. (I even have a culinary business bestie that is the most fun person to talk shop with.)

I’ve come to realize that my friendships are my greatest achievement in my life.

2. I’m not looking for someone to complete me. In fact, I don’t even believe that’s a thing.

I’ve been listening to the brilliant Esther Perel a ton lately, and I feel aligned with her belief that we’re not supposed to source every emotional need from a single person. The pressure is insane. Just think about it for a moment. In my 20s, I expected a husband to be:

• my lover (That word still makes me giggle.);

• my biggest confidante;

• my favorite playmate for all activities (and we were supposed to like all of the same things of course.):

• the perfect dad (in the ways I expected);

• deeply romantic;

• emotionally available on every level in regards to anything thrown my way;

• a mind reader who would know exactly what I needed at any given moment in time;

• the most kind, generous man to everyone around him; and

• my biggest cheerleader, because obviously I’d be his.

It feels crazy just seeing those monstrous expectations in writing!

Do you want to know the best part about having ten years on my own to sort this stuff out?

I’ve figured out that I’m the designer of my own happy life. I get to seek out the relationships that fill me up, and my friends don’t have to check a million boxes for me. It don’t expect all of my needs to be fulfilled by a single human being.

That doesn’t mean I’m a cynic about romantic love. I do believe people can meet and have the love of a lifetime. But now at 54, what a relief to know this man doesn’t need to show up as a parent, a best friend, or even my playmate for everything. He does need to have a generous spirit, treat everyone with kindness, and have a desire to laugh at life as much as I do. And he needs to think I’m the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him, obvi. ;)

So for now, I am so happy prioritizing the friendships, family, and work that provide me with so much joy. And you never know…someone might come along one day and knock my socks off. I can’t wait for him to meet my people. ;)

xx-Amanda