The stories we tell ourselves decide the dynamics of our relationships (and, in many cases, the dynamics of our health).
But stories aren’t crafted from facts alone. They’re composed by our perceptions, especially the perceptions that exist outside of our conscious awareness (in the felt-sense we formed early in life, and in the unique feelings we hold about our value and place in the world).
These perceptions were mostly formed before the age of 7. Many of them were formed before you could talk. They originated first as a feeling, and most of the time these feelings never made their way into your conscious mind.
That means these feelings are sub-conscious. They are the filter through which we see ourselves and the outside world. Yet we don’t even realize the filter is there - because it exists as a feeling … beneath our thinking mind.
The feeling of being held and nurtured by a mother.
The feeling of being constantly on-edge around a mood-swinging parent.
The feeling of being valued for performance.
The feeling of isolation when you were separated from a loved one, whether by an adoption, or by business travel, or divorce, or death…
Each of these experiences originated as a feeling inside of your body, at a time when your rational mind (the neo-cortex) wasn’t fully developed. And still, to this day, that feeing persists.
For those of you who’ve tried traditional talk therapy, you’ve probably found that rationalizing your feelings, speaking about them and trying to understand them on an intellectual level has done little to relieve you of the feelings. They keep coming back.
The feelings show up in your every emotional trigger. They’re baked into the stories you tell yourself when you’re in the intensity of that trigger.
These feelings are the building blocks of our life stories, and they’re at the root of nearly every relationship rupture.
That means the stories about ourselves and our relationships are based on feelings, not on facts.
Facts are constant and unchanging.
Feelings are malleable and mutable. Alchemical and Bio-chemical.
Feelings are bio-chemical. In a split second, a feeling of not belonging or being dis-respected incites a cascade of chemical responses in the brain and body. That’s why it’s futile to tell someone to “calm down” when they’re in the midst of this chemical storm.
The best we can do is just be with them, and be with ourselves, as the feelings composing the story play their intense symphony.
Notice them. The feelings about your value and your place in the world that burn through your veins as you experience your emotional trigger.
Recognize. That these feelings are almost as old as you are. Older than your relationship with the person you’re upset with (unless, of course, you’re upset with a parent).
Remember. The stories we tell ourselves aren’t crafted from facts alone. They’re composed of perceptions.
Outside of our perceptions and the emotions they fuel, is a world of additional facts about the people in our lives - facts that we don’t even know. What they’ve endured. The contrast between their intentions and they’re actions.
The conflict between their fears, needs, and perceptions … and our own.
Maybe there’s room for grace.
Maybe there’s still time.
To create space for your emotions to exist with equal compassion for the emotions of those who let you down, but who are still trying to meet you in a new chapter, built on authentic communication.
Maybe these emotions can be healed, with skilled and nuanced support.
Healing is possible, but we need to remember this:
There is a part of you… your mind, your ego, the person you’ve been up until now…
Who doesn’t want things to change.
It’s a part of you that’s safe re-telling the stories built more from emotion than from fact.
(Don’t judge yourself for this. It’s human. Universal. No one is immune to having this part of self that resists change. But whether or not we choose to recognize it can make all the difference in our healing journeys).
This part of you is stubborn, and very attached to telling the story through one point of view, and seeing the relationship in one particular way (usually laced with a fair amount of judgment about the other person).
This part of you is going to try and convince you that there’s only one way to see this situation, and that there’s no other way to feel.
When this happens, dive right into that feeling. What is it? What is that feeling?
Unseen? Disregarded? Not valued? Not included? Under-nurtured?
If this feeling is older than the relationship, then the relationship may stand a chance for a rebirth, as you do the inner work to release these old emotions from your identity.
Because after all, you, as a person, are so much more dynamic than this emotion.
The story of your life is more expansive than this painful story you’ve found yourself tangled up within.
If there is a morsel of your soul that desires to be untangled, then there is hope.
Later this month, I’ll share a video on this topic to provide some tips for navigating subconscious feelings and relationship ruptures. You can access that video by becoming a paid subscriber today (for the cost of a cup of coffee).
If you feel like you need to dive more deeply into this sooner than later, then you can always book a free consult with me. I look forward to connecting with you.
You can learn more about the author of Rooted Rebirth and our offerings here…
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