“Take your psychobabble elsewhere. This is a Christian Nation, and in this country, we forgive.”
“You’re an idiot. The Bible clearly says that EVERYONE needs to forgive. Read Matthew 6:14-15.”
These were a few of the many hate emails I received from readers after I wrote two blogs for Psychology Today titled Why Forgiveness Isn’t Required in Trauma Recovery and 5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn’t Forgive. I was emotionally shaken after receiving these messages and contacted other bloggers for their insight. My colleagues informed me that they, too, have received similar emails whenever they write about topics that challenge conventional ideas.
“You must be doing something right,” said a blogger who writes about the impact of patriarchy in the US legal system. “Whenever I get a flood of hate mail, I know I struck a chord, and that’s usually the topic I need to keep writing about. Have you considered that maybe you need to keep writing about this?”
That question made me reflect on why I wrote those blogs in the first place. I experienced severe physical and emotional neglect perpetrated by my parents for most of my childhood. My trauma had a significantly negative impact on my adult life, and I participated in intensive treatment for three years. One day, I asked my therapist, “Do I need to forgive my parents to heal from my trauma?” They didn’t know, and I needed an answer.
Read my article, How I Used Hate Mail to Propel My Book Forward HERE
Here are the most controversial quotes from You Don’t Need to Forgive that will be despised in today’s political environment.
“Revenge fantasies can be beneficial in trauma recovery. They bring significant catharsis and reestablish a sense of empowerment after one has been made to feel powerless.”
“There is a popular misconception in many societies that offenders who are genetically related to you are entitled to forgiveness. This makes little sense.”
“Pressuring, demanding, or encouraging forgiveness from Black survivors may be used as a method to avoid the realities of systemic racism and racial trauma and used as a substitution for enacting substantive social justice.”
“Society’s moral and relational expectations of women pressure them to forgive their offenders, even if doing so puts their safety at risk.”
“Forgiveness will not give you equal power to your offender in a society in which you are systemically oppressed, and they are systemically privileged.”
“Many trauma survivors anxiously wait for their offender(s) to die and aren’t bothered by their death when it occurs, or they feel relieved when their offender(s) are finally gone.”
“Forgiveness has been and will continue to be used as a weapon against oppressed trauma survivors in order to maintain social inequalities, which cause further trauma.”
“It’s often oppressed trauma survivors who have led the most successful social justice movements in American history, survivors who are commonly moved by anger, resentment, and rage – not forgiveness – toward those who are responsible for this oppression and trauma.”
5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Apologize
Many of us were taught as children to say “I’m sorry” whenever we upset someone. As adults, this phrase often doesn’t convey a genuine or effective apology. While writing my book You Don’t Need to Forgive, I discovered that many people apologize when it’s unnecessary or inappropriate, leading to forced or insincere apologies.
Are there situations where you shouldn’t apologize? Absolutely. There are many instances where an apology isn’t needed and could even be harmful.
Consider skipping an apology under these conditions: READ MORE
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