Putting What I Want Out into the Universe (or Whatever)

It’s often said to pay attention when a woman gets bangs, as it’s most likely a cry for help. As someone who looks cute with bangs (many of us do), I OBJECT. The real cry for help is when a woman gets into astrology.

Just kidding, astrology rules and its haters are simply afraid to get to know themselves more!

Anyways, I’ve been at a real Britney Spears Crossroads lately looking for a crumb of life direction… despite being the least lost version of myself if I’m really reflecting. I think back to teenage me, who shrank into the background for comfort. Or in school, I was the girl who assumed she’d marry and have kids with her highschool-to-college boyfriend and continue life on auto-pilot.

When I sabotaged that relationship, I didn’t dig to find out why. My twenties continued in a way I’m not sure how to describe. It wasn’t a total drift—short-term goals I made out of necessity (and constantly comparing myself to other people) forced me to grow. I partied and had fun, but I wasn’t really problematic about it. Even as a youth, my social battery required wouldn’t allow it as a constant.

Before I knew it, I fell into a similar relationship. Blew it up. Repeated other patterns. Bartended. Got my first marketing job. Then finally, at an agency as a copywriter. Got fired two years later, asked if I even wanted to be a writer in the process. (Yeah it wasn’t really a good fit lmao) But I got better and grew up a bit… not really through intention, but reaction.

Somewhere along the way, despite my red flags, I pulled my wonderful now-husband. (Hi Lance) Started taking myself a more seriously, little by little, with his partnership and support. We built a life. I grew a backbone. Discovered a knack for creative strategy and systems thinking at a start-up. Helped my dad die in a whirlwind of a week at the Cleveland Clinic. Got married.

Now, with over four years at my job, things are pretty steady. And without a desire to have kids right away (or at all? idfk), I’ve had more time to existentialize about what the hell is next.

I know I want to do more. I just don’t really know what that is. Or how it’s possible to start working towards it without those details in focus.

So, what’s a girl to do besides get a little astrological?

I did a predictive reading (shout out to Dana from Allegedly Astrology) and got a list of dates where the sky lines up with my birth chart in potentially meaningful ways. Last Tuesday, there was a Full Moon at the exact spot where my North Node is in Sagittarius in the 8th house.

The North Node is meant to point toward your ✨bigger-picture purpose✨. And when the moon aligns with it, it can bring a push to align your desires with your actions, to try to name what you’re meant to be moving toward, to let go of old thinking patterns and shame.

Thing is… I usually only share the good parts. Like, even when I’m willing to get a little ugly, it’s wrapped in self-deprecation or a punchline. But one of my favorite things Dana said during our session was that I’d benefit from embracing my truth à la B-Rabbit at the end of 8 Mile.

So here it goes.

• I’m 32. I live in the city I grew up in. And it makes me feel like a fucking LOSER! Not sure why. But I want to let go of the belief that I can’t be powerful from where I am.

• I don’t have a huge group of friends. See above: huge fucking loser! At the same time, big friend groups have never been my thing, even though I sometimes regret not cultivating one. I know how real and lasting my core friendships are. But everyone’s in different stages, and it’s hard to get a hang on the books. I just want more people to do stuff with.

• I look at my friends and see wonderful mothers and super successful professionals. Online, I see more people with success and solid identity—cool people with cool lives. I yearn to find a spot in the mix that feels my own. I want to be known for my point of view, too.

• I want to work on creative projects with brands that value art for the sake of art. I want to critique, curate, collaborate, consult, and write. I want to help people analyze and refine their taste. I want to be authentic, funny, and unafraid to call people on their shit. I want need to show more of my perspective even though I don’t have a perfect hook or niche yet.

I don’t know how to categorize and actualize these goals as a “career.” Maybe this will help me bring it to focus. Maybe not. Either way, I regret to inform you that it does feel healing to get it out in the open, instead of just relying on others to share things that make me feel less alone in being ~unfulfilled~.

I do feel a little cringe putting this on the internet for anyone to see, though. In the words of Olivia Soprano, “OHHHHH, POOR YOU.” Like my life is so bad? But I also don’t want to end up a bitter old bitch like her, and I’m starting to understand that being honest and trying not to judge myself for it is kind of the only way.

P.S. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.