Thoughts and spilling the spell while Expressing.
I am thinking of writing a fanfic. I didn't finish my previous and I have news ideas which I am stirring inside my little beautiful mind. Today I went to a lecture about uncertainty and how it is natural process of life and how to deal with the fact you don't have certainty. It begins with the fact that your brain has 3 layers But we focus on reptile brain and frontal cortex big brain not A.I…
I am starting with the date titles since I decided to open this blog as a private outlet for my inner world, to peak out you know hehe. Gotta first say something: Emily - fuck you. After so long I realized you telling me 'You have no agency, you are not reliable ' while you knew me over a month as you gave me wishy washy back and forth signs - is low. Fuck you - I don't need a bimbo faking shit,…
I decided to take some steps for my self as such - Quitting the soul draining job I had. I am glad I have done it but it makes me question what now? I don't know exactly since the market for juniors is pretty much GARBAGE. Living in a small country + war times + layoffs from big companies = more competition that my little unfaithful ass can handle. It's a bit stinging my heart knowing that no…
My depression is going hard and steady and no light seems to show up anytime soon, I need like a cave man learn to ignite my own fire. Like a fucking cave man I need to deal with things by myself as I try my best not to lose hope but I already did, I try with no reason, even now - as I am looking at this current job and my current life I think to myself 'Perhaps it's all a mistake to begin with'…
When I am thinking of it, my time seems meaningless with the several decades I have lived on this Earth. Many times I just wish to end this all in my sleep without waking up a new tomorrow. I wonder to myself what goals exactly I had in the past? what goals drive me now? When everything seems so far away from me. I feel incompetent. Perhaps it's my inner voice speaking after spending quite a lot…
I have taken to my attention the fact that I am writing less and less. It is good to be back even if I don't understand at what shape I am returning to express my feelings. There was a lady who I had some sessions with her for over 2-3 years. On the weekend we had our final meeting. I got emotional over her good bye and good wishes despite knowing she just going to travel and enjoy her time. I am…
Interestingly when I am looking back to how things were emotionally a month ago, comparing it to the present I have come into the conclusion that all the time I invested, all this time I suffered - not worth the end result. I don't know if it's because it's not the end of the journey, beats me. I had enough of this bs. I try so hard to work, to be consistent but it's so hard to continue doing…
I just don't want to wake up at all but I must because I don't feel like I have any choice, because obviously I need to sustain myself... In the end when I am thinking of my friendships and about the transactional nature of the people around me, I understand that I waste too much energy on people. They are never satisfied and always in a way complain. These people show up when their marriage and…
Even if I know the goal is important - I can't blame but myself with the lack of consistency. At times I wonder if it is because I don't care. I just feel burnt out with life and with the struggle I am going through. Changes can be great but I don't think I know how to manage them very well. I had an issues with my training instructor - Since he behaves like a military drill surgent and…
Shame I have my own commitments which I was not signing up to. Taking care of people which supposed to care take me, it is what it is. I like playing games, the good single player games when you just let yourself go with the flow of the story. I also begun to like playing games that you can join a friend of yours and finish mission, just the two of you. Split fiction is a great game, I really love…