The Most Elegant Wedding Guests Aren’t Always the Best Dressed

This week, I finished The Wedding People by Alison Espach and loved it. While the novel has earned nearly 200,000 glowing reviews online and become one of the most talked-about books of the past year, it is admittedly a little racier than what I typically recommend in this corner of the internet. Still, I found it funny, hopeful, moving, and full of observations about people that I expect will stay with me long after I turned the final page.

One of my favorite moments involves the bride’s grandmother, a woman with strong opinions about how things ought to be done. At one point, she mentions the wedding of Jackie Bouvier and John F. Kennedy.

For those who need a quick refresher, the Kennedy wedding was no ordinary affair. When the future President and First Lady married in Newport, Rhode Island, in September 1953, it was one of the most celebrated weddings in America. Hundreds attended the ceremony at St. Mary’s Church, and more than a thousand guests gathered afterward at Hammersmith Farm, the Bouvier family’s waterfront estate. The wedding received extensive national press coverage and remains one of the most famous American weddings of the twentieth century.

The grandmother’s observation is simple. In her telling, Jackie’s side of the family knew to wear linen, while some of the Kennedy relatives arrived in tails.

What makes the comment so interesting is that she is not really talking about clothing.

By the traditional rules of etiquette, formal daytime weddings often called for morning dress. The Kennedy relatives were not necessarily wrong. But the grandmother is pointing to something etiquette books cannot always teach. Newport has long had its own customs, rhythms, and social expectations. In her view, the Bouviers understood not only the occasion itself but also the setting in which it was taking place. The linen suits reflected the season, the location, and the spirit of a late-summer wedding by the sea.

In other words, they understood the unwritten rules.

The more I thought about all of this, the more I realized that while dressing elegantly is wonderful—and understanding the nuances and unwritten elements of a dress code can be fascinating, too—there are many ways a guest can demonstrate elegance that have nothing to do with fashion.

In fact, some of the most elegant wedding people I have encountered over the years were not necessarily the most fabulously dressed, nor were they always the guests who interpreted the dress code most “correctly.”

What made them memorable had very little to do with what they were wearing.

Having attended weddings across the country—and a few around the world—here are some of the most elegant wedding people I’ve encountered:

🤝 The guest who notices someone standing alone and invites them into the conversation.

✨ The plus-one who arrives knowing only one person and leaves having made several new friends.

💍 The person who chats just as easily with grandparents as they do with the couple’s childhood friends.

🙏 The guest who respectfully participates in religious traditions that may be different from their own because they understand that the day is about the couple, not themselves.

😂 The best man or maid of honor who can make the entire room laugh without embarrassing anyone in the process.

💐 The guest who seems genuinely delighted for the couple and never makes the celebration about themselves.

🍽️ The person who knows not to complain about what they didn’t pay for, whether that’s the menu, the weather, the seating chart, or the music.

🪑 The guest who notices when someone needs a seat, a place at the table, or a way into the conversation and quietly makes room.

📸 The person who puts their phone away during the ceremony and is fully present for the moment.

☀️ The guest whose warmth, generosity, and good humor make the wedding feel more welcoming simply because they are there.

Perhaps that is the lesson hidden inside the grandmother’s observation.

The linen suits and tails make for a memorable story. But the kind of elegance people remember years later has very little to do with clothing. More often, it is found in generosity, awareness, warmth, and the ability to make others feel seen.

Sometimes elegance means knowing when linen is more appropriate than tails.

And sometimes it means being the person who notices someone standing alone and walks over to say hello.

In Case You Missed It

This week, I was interviewed for this Newsweek piece on airplane etiquette and the foods to avoid in the name of passenger politeness. I also joined Tiffany Meier Tonight live to share about the hosting faux pas to avoid this summer. Here’s a link to that interview.

I also published an article in Evie Magazine on seven things many people think are rude, but are actually perfectly polite.

You can get caught up on my Ask Alison column in Evie Magazine here.

Answering for a Friend

Q: I have a funeral soon and I’m wondering what I should say as I’m greeted at the door my family members or going through the receiving line to pay my respects. “I’m so sorry for your loss” feels inadequate, but giving someone I don’t really know a big hug also feels strange. Is there something meaningful and polite I can say?

A: Many people feel this way, but the truth is that funerals are one of the few occasions where simple words are often the most appropriate. It’s not your job to cheer anyone up, find the perfect thing to say, or have a lengthy conversation in the receiving line. A sincere “I’m so sorry for your loss” is never wrong.

Introduce yourself and briefly explain your connection to the person whose life is being honored. If you knew the deceased, sharing a brief happy memory or kind observation can also be meaningful: “Your mother always made everyone feel welcome,” or “I’ll always remember his wonderful sense of humor.”

But don’t overthink it. A funeral receiving line is not the time for a long conversation. It’s perfectly acceptable to offer your condolences, exchange a handshake or hug if it feels natural, and move along.

So long as a service is not private or reserved for close relatives, it’s perfectly appropriate to attend a funeral even if you only know one person there—or even if you knew only the deceased and no one else. Funerals are about honoring a life and showing respect, and your presence alone is a meaningful gesture.

If you have a question for a future Answering for a Friend segment or my Ask Alison column, please email info@elevateetiquette.com.

For more writing like this, my modern etiquette guide, Was it Something I Said?, is on sale wherever books are sold.

With love,

Alison