Two years ago I decided to become selfish. Not in “the world should revolve around me” sense but in a way that my entire being was begging me for.
I woke up one morning on the heels of a pending divorce decision and looked at myself in the mirror. Who I saw in my reflection was unrecognizable. You could visibly see the pain and exhaustion through the weariness in my eyes and I looked like a zombie whose life had been sucked out of her.
I looked and felt like a hollow shell of a human.
I think that may have been the first time I had truly saw myself in years. Like really saw how the weight of my life was showing up visibly in every part of my body. I had spent years through childbirth, postpartum, and a global pandemic living for everyone else that I didn’t realize just how much I was neglecting myself.
I’d gained weight. Dealt with crippling daily anxiety and depression. I took meds every night just to fall asleep. Only to wake up the next morning feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.
On the days where I was able to get out of bed and do anything beyond taking my daughter to daycare, I sort of wandered through the day trying to somehow be productive while mostly just counting down the hours to bedtime.
In that moment of seeing myself for who I had become, I felt embarrassed. Although no one was around, I wondered if over the years others could tell how I was slowly fading into the background. And if they did, why didn’t anyone offer to help? Mostly, I was aggravated with myself. I’ve always been the one who was bubbly, who tried to see the good in every situation, the one who hyped everyone else up. And here I was, barely hanging on by a thread.
The only person that was going to save me, was ME. In that moment standing in my bathroom, I made the decision to be selfish. To pour into myself in the same way, if not more, that I did everyone else.
It hasn’t been a quick, nor an easy process but I’ve learned that…
loving everyone around me is only possible when I love myself first.
Over the years I’ve walked away from a marriage that was draining me. I’ve learned to say “No.” without guilt or a long explanation. And I prioritize my Me Hour like it’s the most important meeting of the day.
Even with the big changes of starting a tech company, becoming a single mom and my own mom’s caregiver, I’ve still been committed to putting myself first.
Choosing to be selfish quite literally saved my life.
And I know I am not the only one who needed to learn this.
As women, we are taught that being selfish is bad. We are expected to show up, to give, and to serve like it’s the highest honor. It is embedded in us to put everyone else’s needed above our own. And when you decide to run your own business, there is whole ‘nother type of responsibility and care dumped on you.
We all know that one woman.
The woman who cooks a huge elaborate meal for others, barely eats herself, and then dives into cleaning up after everyone else has stuffed themselves despite being on her feet for an entire day.
The woman that everyone calls when there is an emergency and is expected to show up regardless of what she has going on or the time of day.
The woman who manages her home, makes the appointments, and does the grocery shopping, all while juggling her business and a full-time job.
The woman who we know is exhausted but knows no other life than one in service of others.
It’s time that we break that cycle. And that we remove the stigma around being selfish. I want you to ask “What’s in it for me?” before agreeing to say Yes to a new opportunity. I want you to create boundaries so strict that nonsense won’t even try to approach you.
I want you to put yourself first. Because when a woman thrives, her home, her children, and her community thrive as well.
Yes, I built DEW to help women entrepreneurs to avoid burnout, but I also built it with the mission of creating a new generation of selfish women entrepreneurs. Women who are ready to put themselves first without the guilt.
So will you join me in this? If you’ve been feeling like you’ve been putting everyone else’s needs above your own. If you feel like you’re slowly becoming someone that you don’t recognize. Or if you’re finally ready to take back control of your life.
This is your permission to do so.
In September, I'm launching DEW, a wellness and burnout prevention app built to help you put yourself first. Join over 100 other women entrepreneurs who are choosing to become more selfish on the waitlist and I’ll be sending out more details over the coming weeks!
The woman in the mirror is still in there. Go get her.
xo, Alisha
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