My partner and I just moved to a new apartment in Haarlem, and as we unpack and settle in, we’re trying to be intentional about identifying our household’s “friction points” and implementing solutions that—while maybe a bit unorthodox—actually work for us as a double-neurodivergent couple.
Let me just start off by saying that my therapist and I are constantly talking about how my life is not meant to be an optimization problem. Like, sometimes good enough really can just be good enough, and there are usually better things to spend my energy on than figuring out the theoretically most efficient way to do something.
But we also spend a lot of time talking about how I can design a life that doesn’t feel so goddamn hard all the time! Like, okay, how can I make things a little easier on my busy brain, which is so often hyper-focused on literally anything other than remembering where I put my keys, or the last time I vacuumed up Stella’s dog hair?
How can we—meaning, my ADHD partner and my AuDHD ass—set things up in our space so that the things we struggle with require a little less executive function and sensory ick? How can we make it so we’re both able to lean into our strengths, instead of constantly trying to force ourselves to overcome our (literally-hardwired-into-our-brains) weaknesses?
Because tbh, sometimes the answer is simply that no, I am not going to reliably be the one to unclog the shower drain! And also no, my partner is not going to consistently be the one to text someone back to make plans and remember to put them on the calendar! And maybe instead of treating those things as personal failures we both need to overcome, we can just step in for each other!
I handle the logistical things—vet appointments, correspondence with landlords, etc.—because those things come more easily to me. He handles the hands-on tasks that are more of a sensory burden for me, like taking out the trash. Neither of us is “failing” or whatever at the thing the other person does. We’re just dividing up our household tasks in a way that works for the brains we actually have, instead of the ones we think we’re supposed to have. I mean, if we can make the “easier” choice the default choice, why wouldn’t we?
Alllllll of that to say: this list is a mix of things we have now, things we’ve had in previous homes, and things we’re working on setting up in our new apartment. They’re the little (and sometimes not-so-little) things that just make sense for us, as a dual-neurodivergent household.
And hopefully, some of them will be helpful for you, too—whether you’re ADHD/autistic like us or not.
Heads up: These links are all from a collection I curated on ShopMy page, so if you click through and make a purchase, I may earn a commission—but just know, I only ever include items I truly believe in!
in our entryway
Everything has a home.
purse bowl with all the basics I know I need at hand even if I switch bags (lip balm, hand sanitizer, hand cream, sunglasses, etc.)
a designated spot for things that need to leave the house (returns, things we need to bring to someone, etc.)
a basket for “I don’t know where this goes yet”
in our kitchen
Combatting object impermanence and sensory discomfort one step at a time.
clear “eat this first” bins in the fridge
backup meals in the pantry and freezer
gloves for doing dishes/other icky tasks
nice-smelling soaps and cleaning solutions
multiple types of cups/bowls/plates/silverware for different preferences (I love a tiny spoon and a small plate)
in our living room
Prioritizing total comfiness > everything.
clear dopamine bins for crafts, games, etc. so we don’t forget they exist
lamps and other low lighting options (no big light ever)
dedicated tray for remotes so we don’t lose them
a charging station for all the different kinds of devices we have
in our home office
Maximum focus, minimal distractions.
habit tracker charts (with star stickers for each day, naturally)
a “not right now” pad for ideas we don’t want to forget but also don’t want to interrupt our flow state to act on immediately
in our bedroom
Because without a good night’s sleep, we’re both screwed.
white noise machine with dual speakers
chargers on both sides of the bed
laundry basket with dividers for each of our clothes and linens
smart lights on a schedule to fade on/off at sleep/wake times
no-spoons nighttime routine in a bag so I can do lazy skincare etc. from bed, including a tiny trash can
in our bathroom
Keeping routines visible, accessible, and as not-icky as possible.
quick-drying stone bath mat
bins for morning routines and evening routines
electric toothbrushes with timers
on our balcony
Mostly just for the vibes, tbh.
hammock for swinging to regulate
comfy outdoor blanket
plants that are hard to kill
in general
How can we outsource our executive function as much as possible?
Philips Hue smart lights on a schedule
chargers everywhere
fidgets everywhere
shared Google Calendar, connected to our Google Nest Hub
shared password manager for subscriptions, household accounts, etc
repeating reminders for recurring responsibilities (give the dog her flea meds, change the air filters, etc)
automated subscriptions wherever possible (dog food delivery, household essentials, etc)
things we agreed to stop pretending were issues
Some of the biggest changes we made aren’t so much things we bought or systems we implemented but just… things we decided to stop treating as problems to be solved.
eating the same meal several days in a row
If we make something we like, we can eat it again the next day. And the next day. There’s no prize for making a totally different dinner every night of the week!!
splitting up tasks “untraditionally”
We divvy up household tasks based on what each of us is actually good at and what we can each tolerate, rather than based on what couples are “supposed” to do. It’s not exactly 50/50, but it works.
going to bed at different times
Sometimes one of us wants to go to bed earlier. Sometimes one of us wants to stay up later. Literally who cares? We can have different sleep schedules and still be very much happily married!
not spending every moment we’re both home together
We don’t need to be actively interacting with each other every second that we’re in the same physical space! Sometimes we’re in different rooms doing our own things. Sometimes we’re in the same room doing body-doubling or parallel play.
But we still intentionally make time for things we both enjoy—board games, movies, whatever—because giving each other space and connecting with each other aren’t mutually exclusive. My partner calls this “your stuff, my stuff, our stuff” and it’s been working for us for going on 14 years!
having no-spoons nights where we do absolutely nothing
Sometimes the answer is just nope! And on those nights, we do absolutely nothing and don’t feel a lick of guilt about it.
Because the goal of all this is to make our home feel like a place where we can exist comfortably entirely as full, weird, unmasked ourselves.
what makes your life easier?
I’m sure this list will continue to evolve as we figure out what works in this apartment (and what absolutely does not, which I’m sure we’ll uncover the hard way) but now I want to hear from you!
What are the weird, wonderful, maybe a little unorthodox things you’ve done in your own home that just make sense for your brain? What systems/accommodations/purchases/routines/etc. have made your life noticeably easier or more enjoyable?
Tell me! I’m always looking for more ways to make our home work with us instead of against us, and I’d love to try out your ideas.
Now, back to measuring every inch of this apartment to see where the hell we’re going to fit my WFH setup. Wish me luck!
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