you had your chance, you blew it

I’ve never considered myself particularly motivated by spite. You know when writers say stuff in interviews (or I’ve even seen it in book dedications!), where they’re like, “This one’s for the English teacher who told me I’d never be a writer” or “to my former writing group who kicked me out for writing smut, joke’s on you.” (That’s the spirit of these things, anyway, I’m not quoting any specific one.)

I have moments like that in my history, too, but I’d have to really dredge them back up, because in general I don’t think about them much. Letting them take up brain space feels like another way that person wins, and I’m over it. I’m so moving on, yeah yeah.

But on the other hand — man, can I hold a grudge.

My now-brother-in-law was super into Kelly Clarkson’s album Breakaway when it came out, and he burned me a copy. I had it on heavy rotation in my car, which was probably why it was blasting the first time I ever got a speeding ticket. Law of averages. If you pulled me over circa 2005, chances were good I’d be cry-singing along to “Because of You.”

But I literally never listened to that album again.

Did you know “Breakaway” was co-written by Avril Lavigne? That’s a piece of trivia that goes around all the time, and it gives me a twinge of pointlessly pretentious smugness because I’m like, yeah, catch up. I’ve always known that. Doesn’t it just sound like an Avril song? But you won’t catch me listening to “Breakaway” because I broke away from it after that fateful day I was doing 59 in a 45 on my way to a substitute teaching job.

Here’s the thing. We started out friends — me and Kelly Clarkson. My now-brother-in-law is also the one who burned Paramore’s All We Know Is Falling for me. We saw every Hilary Duff movie when it came to theaters. He has exquisite taste, is my point, and I didn’t believe him at first about Kelly Clarkson because I wasn’t an American Idol person but it turns out, yeah, this album slaps. I’ll blow out my vocal chords trying to scream along to “Since U Been Gone” in the car any day.

Which is exactly what got me in trouble! I was too into the music! That ticket is Kelly Clarkson’s fault.

And look, I deserved it. It was a very deserved ticket. And it did teach me a lesson — I haven’t gotten many tickets in my life, because I try to be a safe driver! Unfortunately, it also taught me an unintended lesson, which is that Kelly Clarkson was somehow a bad influence and when I tell you I cut her off I mean I cut her off. I only watch clips of her talk show now because I’m not in a moving vehicle when I do so.

The only thing better than a grudge for yourself is one you hold for a friend. Those I’ll hold until the day I die, sometimes long after the friend has let it go. If you tell me a story about someone who wronged you at work or an person who was rude to you or the time your supposed best friend went behind your back, best believe I remember it. The injustice burns inside of me, even if by now to you it’s just a funny story.

But I also know it’s not healthy, to be eaten up by these things. Which is why I put on Breakaway for the first time in decades today, and made myself listen to it from start to finish. It’s not Kelly’s fault that she sang such bangers they gave me a lead foot. And who am I hurting other than myself by denying myself this music?

So that’s all I wanted to tell you today. I’m giving myself back Kelly Clarkson. What is the pettiest, silliest grudge you’ve ever held? I’m curious.

Currently reading . . . I just finished This Lullaby on my Summer of Sarah Dessen readathon. I also picked up The Romantic Agenda by Claire Kann at my last visit to the library because the cover caught my eye. I always think it’s kinda funny when I “happen” on a fellow Berkley book (edited by my editor, no less!) in the wild like this, because it’s so easy for those books to find me that I love when I find them first. The Romantic Agenda was such a delight and had really good, interesting asexual representation the likes of which you don’t always see in romance, so I loved that aspect in particular.

watching . . . My family just finished Avatar: The Last Airbender tonight! A “phenomenal” show, according to my older son, which is a huge deal because he was the one saying he didn’t like animated stuff and he really didn’t want to watch it. My RESTRAINT was that I didn’t bring this up when he was calling it phenomenal to my face.

We’re also still watching Malcolm in the Middle where Lois continues to drop bars. In an episode where they come back early from vacation to find out that the neighborhoor throws an annual block party in their absence, she’s totally unbothered that people hate her. She tells Malcolm, “People will like you, hate, think whatever they want to think about you and then you die.” That’s honestly a great point.

I stopped my rewatch of In Treatment after the first season because it was just getting a little heavy for me (a show about therapy? huh, who’dve seen it coming) so I switched over to Hacks, which I’m finding hilarious so far. The only part that bugged me a little was when Ava has such a bad attitude about having to digitize/archive all of Deborah’s old work, because that sounds like a fucking dream job to me. Just put me in some rich person’s basement and let me alphabetize. And she gets direct deposit and health insurance (minus dental?) I’d be whistling while I worked.

listening to . . . I’ve actually let my YouTube autoplay after putting on the video for “Since U Been Gone” and did you know I used to own the same T-shirt that Avril wears in the “Sk8er Boi” video? And yes, directly because of the video lol. I wonder if I still have it.

visit my website, which Squarespace is now trying to charge double for lol

follow me on Instagram, where I’m planning to do another giveaway soon

buy In Every Possible Way, which has all the Irish vibes perfect for a rainy day

in case you’ve seen any of Substack’s recent stuff about this — I do not use AI in my writing; I will never use AI in my writing; and I guess it’s ostensibly a free country and you could run anything of mine through any AI detector you wanted to but I really wish you wouldn’t because that is, in fact, one way that we keep feeding AI 🥰