i'm not good, but i'm better

I have put myself on necessary Phoebe Bridgers breaks before. I had a moment with “Sidelines” when it came out where it was all I listened to, over and over, in a way that was definitely a depression hyperfixation. I spent one beautiful weekend reading Yerba Buena by Nina LaCour with the song on loop, and while it was aesthetically incredible it was perhaps a little too close to wallowing, mood-wise.

Then there was the time when a friend of mine was going through a bad breakup, and said he wanted the saddest songs I could think of, anything that would allow him to sit and just feel his feelings. I hit him with so many — Neutral Milk Hotel, Iron & Wine, an instrumental piano track that really gets to me — but when I shared “Funeral” with him he was like, ooof. Too far.

I wish you could’ve heard some of the tracks he was sending to me, ones he was already listening to. For “Funeral” to be “too far” was telling.

It’s a meme at this point, how we all have to call our therapists when Phoebe drops a new record, how she’s destroying us one lyric at a time. Lost Weekend is about a lot of things, but one thing it circles is grief — over past relationships, versions of yourself/your memories that you have to let go or move on from, and mostly, over the loss of a parent (Phoebe’s dad passed away in between Punisher and the release of this album).

And yet I’ve actually felt quite happy, listening to this album? I don’t know if it’s the music itself or my anticipation of it or my own emotional stability or what, but I like it! A girl could get used to this! Below are some very quick track-by-track thoughts from my first couple of listens, which I will not be beholden to going forward because music always takes a while to fully take root in me:

“The Outside” - Crying in a suit and tie/But you should see the other guy. I could write an essay about why this is the perfect album opener. These lines, which are that perfect blend of sadness and humor that Phoebe does really well. The use of the vocoder on the vocals, which sets up a lot of the ambient/electronic parts of music going forward.

“Lost Boys” - I already wrote a whole newsletter about this one, but I’ll just add that the way she sings East Berlin really itches something in my brain.

“Kill Me” - It’s all about that pause between this is gonna kill me and wait. Phoebe said about this one: “My friend Nick Zinner plays guitar on the end of it and I spend the whole song waiting to hear it. I’m still figuring out what this song is about — and I say this all in all good fun — I don’t really love when my lyrics are poured over as really literal. I think my lyrics are getting less literal as time goes on. So you tell me what this song is about — time passing?”

“Governor’s Ball” - Phoebe does this kind of song really well — something almost fairy tale simple about it. The line that really got me was I was too happy to feel at home. I sat and thought about that one for a long time.

“Bobby” - This song is so unabashedly romantic and I really love it. This could be the end of wanting. I mean, c’mon. I want it known for the record that I am not the kind of parasocial about Phoebe Bridgers to pay attention to her personal life in that way, but she seems happy with Bo Burnham and I’m happy for them!! Now I don’t know if I can make it tonight/But what are you doing the rest of my life, Bobby? I thought a lot about the specific way she sings his name at the end, whether she did different takes singing it different ways or if she knew that’s always exactly how she wanted it to sound.

“Lost Weekend” - I saw Phoebe say that she originally recorded a voice memo for this song right after she wrote it, and they ended up using that as the base for the final version because nothing felt as real as it. Also, the sample at the end is from a Paul Lansky piece she’s loved for a long time. I really enjoy the way Phoebe is using bits and pieces of different techniques on this record, referencing a lot of different stuff, it just seems like she’s expanding her creative approach in a way I really respect.

“Haunted” - When I first heard this I was like “this is some Woody Guthrie shit” (complimentary). I’m off to see an old friend/We’re gonna get on the road again . . . tell me that isn’t some “This Land Is Your Land”-sounding shit. Once again, complimentary. This was one of my favorites on the album the first time I heard it. I have no secrets, only feelings/And I know those go away/There is a difference between lying/And deciding what not to say. And then You won’t have to open a heart that’s broken/Water’s gonna flow in either way/My heart is growing either way. Man I wish I could write songs.

“Panorama” - Once again Phoebe leaning into a more ambient sound. She’s said about this one: “It’s about death knocking at your door, and you’ve been waiting for it, so you let it in.”

“Still Standing” - A “my dad is dead and I miss him but he also had his faults and so it’s complicated” anthem. Listening to Punisher very heavily inspired me writing Love in the Time of Serial Killers, in a lot of ways. That’s why I named her Phoebe.

“Liberty Tree” - Apparently this is about the Liberty Tree Mall in Massachusetts which is big on back rooms and liminal space. I love an old, partially abandoned mall tbh. There’s one in Tampa I go to fairly regularly.

“Never Going Back!” - I love a song that just repeats one line over and over and sometimes your feelings about the line and what it’s saying or what the mood of the song changes as the way the singer sings it changes. I’m worried I expressed that in a really convoluted way but hopefully you know what I mean. A couple songs I love that do this are “All Circles” by mewithoutYou and “KYRH” by Hayley Williams. I also reference that one of Micah’s songs she makes for John at the end of Never Been Shipped does this, again, because I’ve always liked it. Phoebe put a voicemail from her dad at the end of this one which is very affecting.

“Other Plans” - I’ve had this review of the album from NPR’s Ann Powers up in my browser because I’m just not sure I understand all of what she’s saying, but I want to. So I keep listening to the album with the review up, cross-referencing. She digs deep on this song, for example.

“Lost Parade” - This is some In the Aeroplane Over the Sea shit (very complimentary).

“I Can’t Wait” - Phoebe has called this a “state of the union” about where she was when she wrote it, so it feels very present to her. I like how much she talks about the movies on this album. Seriously, it comes up a lot. In this one: Sometimes when the night is quiet/I’ll turn all the lights on, like the end of the movie. And then at the end: Walking early in the morning/While you’re still sleeping/And the credits are rolling/I don’t know why I’m crying/Until we’re dead or die trying. I can see how when you read some of these lyrics you might be like oof these are bleak, but I’m telling you, I feel such a hopeful surge from this song.

“As Above” - More about movies, and also about planes, another motif on the album. Phoebe said that’s because she spends her life on planes a lot, which makes sense. Trying not to look down/Making faces at a kid on the plane/Trying not to freak out about being a couple days late/Started watching a movie, one where they go back in time/And it got to me, I don’t know why. Who hasn’t had the experience of being weirdly emotionally moved by Hot Tub Time Machine watching over someone’s shoulder when you’re 10,000 feet in the air?

“Lost Weekend (Reprise)” - He’s not coming back as a bird/He’s not coming back . . . But I still live by the things he taught me/Like how to forgive when they’re not sorry. Okay, I did cry the first time I heard this song.

Okay, that’s my very loose track-by-track album review based on initial impressions and a few things I’d read in interviews or reviews. I’m still listening and formulating more thoughts and feelings, but I’d also love to hear yours!

I forgot to tell you last week that I had the ultimate honor of appearing on Ella Dawson’s Rebel Ever After podcast in an interview that is both (a) one of my favorites I’ve ever done, and (b) so vulnerable that I almost asked Ella if we could just rerecord it. But I didn’t so now it lives on the internet, and I’m glad it does because what if we weren’t scared of vulnerability? What then?

Currently reading . . . I’ve been reading so much lately I can barely keep up in this section! Last week I read The Truth About Forever for my Sarah Dessen Summer (still just as incredible as the previous 10x I’ve read it); Houston, We Have So Many Problems by Gina Banks as an early copy sent to my inbox (yes, that’s a brag, and the book was so good!!); and Savvy Sheldon Feels Good as Hell by Taj McCoy (loved Savvy and her friend group so much).

I also just read Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke. Have you heard of this one? haha just kidding. I have a lot of thoughts about it, as does everyone who’s read it, apparently! It was a wild ride and I had a great time with the audiobook.

watching . . . I don’t know why lately I really notice if there are any alphabetical trends to what media I’m consuming, but let me give you the ABC’s of this past week:

Adolescence, which was absolutely brutal — brilliantly acted, brilliantly executed (so many one-shotters!), and that last episode was so bleak. I know I’ll be thinking about it for a long time. As a parent of teenagers in particular it really got to me.

Bugonia and The Babysitter’s Club, which are quite the combo but did you know they actually both feature Alicia Silverstone? I love her expressive face so much. I didn’t realize how I’d missed it until I had more of it on my screen. My younger son got me into The Babysitter’s Club show and it’s a really good, very faithful rendition of the books — I’d recommend it to anyone but especially if you wanted something to watch with your 8- to 13-year-old kid or so. I would not recommend Bugonia to that same age group but it might be one of my favorite movies I’ve seen in a while. Gave me a lot to think about.

Finally, Costa Concordia, by which I mean I watched the Netflix documentary Shipwrecked: Nightmare at Sea, then the Amazon two-parter The Sinking of . . ., and then Costa Concordia Disaster: Minute by Minute. Ask me anything!! Can you believe that captain was like, whoops, I tripped and fell on a lifeboat before everyone had a chance to evacuate? I couldn’t believe the audacity. Neither could the Coast Guard, apparently, who ordered him to get the fuck back on board.

listening to . . . It’s been all Phoebe since the album dropped!

visit my website which I just paid to re-up because I ended up being too lazy to switch from Squarespace

follow me on Instagram, where I hope to do a title reveal for my 2027 romance this week . . .

buy In Every Possible Way, because it’s nothing if not me at my most vulnerable

no part of this newsletter was written with AI because AI can’t stay up past its bedtime frantically putting last-minute touches on niche Phoebe Bridgers thoughts