a taste of the falling

it is three in the morning.

i am reading a book called när trollsländorna faller — when the dragonflies fall.

between chapters, i am googling saints.

birgitta. törnekronan. malteserkorset — the eight-pointed cross, one point for each knightly virtue.

i write the virtues down. i keep the list on my desk. i do not know what for.

it started with the dragonfly.

the old tellings say if you fall asleep in the field, she comes to sew your eyes shut. a punishment for surrender. a punishment for rest.

i had to know why.

then it was the maltese cross. eight points, eight virtues. obedience, loyalty, bravery, discretion, temperance, rectitude, justice, mercy.

i thought: which one am i failing?

i thought: which one am i learning?

then it was the birgittinorden. saint bridget of sweden. an order still holding, still praying.

then korsriddare. crusaders.

then de upplystas orden. the enlightened order.

kopialemanuskriptet — the copyist’s manuscript.

the freemasons. the rituals. the secret knock on the door of the holy of holies:

är ni en mästare?

are you a master?

ingen hindrar mig från att gå in i det allra heligaste när jag så önskar.

no one prevents me from entering the holy of holies when i so wish.

then it was the sarcophagus that looks back at you like the all-seeing eye.

then it was the psalm. the one i knew as a child. the one i thought i had forgotten.

tryggare kan ingen vara än guds lilla barnaskara.

safer than god’s little band of children can no one be.

(”shhh du e trygg nu.”)

between the searches i went back to the book. between the book i went back to the searches.

by four in the morning the whole thing was a room i was standing in.

sunday i will publish the whole gazette. twenty-one pages.

the dragonflies falling. the crown of thorns. the psalm i knew as a child.

the sarcophagus that looks back like an eye.

the eight virtues. the copyist’s manuscript. the door of the holy of holies.

the book. the reading. the reading of the reading.

read it here at the daffodil gazette.

for now — this. a taste.

xxx

alice