on Wednesday, I went to my spin studio for a class that brought me such palpable joy, I literally left feeling like a different, better, more realized version of myself — after just a 45 minute workout.
(this is not a “if you’re feeling depressed, go work out and you’ll feel so much better” post, even though that is unfortunately true most of the time. just stay with me, we’re going somewhere)
the class was themed “Harry Styles x One Direction x Backstreet Boys”, AKA a bunch of different songs solely by those artists blended into one perfect playlist. now I’m not really a Backstreet Boys fan (I was hardly conscious at the time, sorry) but I’m familiar with the hits. I am a girl, after all!
no, the reason I was so energized and brought back to myself in such a soul-defining way was obviously because of Harry & 1D.
since I was a little girl, I’ve had a knack for obsessing over things. I read the Twilight saga when I was hardly 10 (a little young for that, maybe? oops) and I was instantly obsessed, happily placing myself in a loop of reading and re-reading the books to keep soaking up the words, the romance, the Edward, and yes, occasionally the Jacob of it all.
I’m a longtime fangirl, of so many different things. when I discover a band, I don’t just like them — I love them. I learn the names of the band members. I pick favorites. I follow Instagram accounts not only run by the band themselves, but fan-made accounts that post photos and updates on them. I learn about their history, how they formed, if they’re married, what other artistic ventures they’ve explored. I make Pinterest boards of their song lyrics and album art and photoshoots.
the earliest band I can remember doing this for was The Beatles, whom my dad took extra care into making sure I knew everything about. I picked favorites: Ringo in my youth — I liked his quirkiness and the fact that he wrote “Octopus’s Garden” — and then various phases of pulling towards the other Beatles while growing up. now, I’ve landed firmly as a George girl, likely for the rest of my life.
there were manyyy other phases (Fun., Vampire Weekend, Arctic Monkeys, Hippo Campus) and plenty more artists whom I’ve adored throughout the years, we’re just scratching the surface here.
fanhood is not a singular experience — so many women who have grown up in the 21st century also dabble in the art of obsessive tendencies. i mean, we grew up in the age of Wattpad fanfictions and Tumblr ship accounts, what did you expect?
Brittany Broski just wrote about this in her post about the life-defining moment of hosting Harry on her podcast, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I read it:
“I’ll never shut up about the power of fandom, the power of women loving the sh*t they love OUT LOUD!!! the power of community and an unabashed sharing of interests and passions. The power of whimsy!!!!! Life is too short!!! Make the fan account write the fan fiction make the art go to the show make a friend! Some of the best friendships in my life can be traced back to One Direction. To coordinating outfits for a Harry show. To setting an alarm for pre-sales and single drops. The inside jokes and memes and lock-screens and theories and analyses and interpretation and bonding, all from a shared source of joy! I love being a fangirl!!!!!!!!! holy sh*t!!!!!!”
there is such magic to be found within the things we choose to love, the ways they etch themselves onto our hearts, and the different sparkles they bring to our lives: joy, purpose, feeling seen, shared community, memories made, the way they shape us into the people we are today.
now, back to spin class.
as me and my best friend Hannah walked to the studio, we predicted which songs we would hear during class, a game we always play before a themed ride.
“I hope they play something from Midnight Memories, the best album”
“you know what I want to hear? Little Black Dress”
“YES that’s the best song ever made”
“OMG what if we hear As It Was”
“I would die if they played Music For A Sushi Restaurant. I can literally picture the choreo”
I had a pretty weird day (and honestly a weird week/month/year, I’ve been feeling funky) and was in a kind of down mood. but as we walked together and predicted songs and our eyes lit up and we laughed together, I felt something very small ignite in my heart.
I often find myself tucking away the things I love, hesitant to revisit them in fear that I might put a crack in the perfection somehow. instead of letting myself revisit the joy I once felt, I keep it safely compartmentalized somewhere else so I can’t ruin what it once was to me. or maybe I’m afraid that I’ll hear them again and not feel the same as I used to, that maybe I’ve inherently changed into someone that I didn’t want to be.
but this little flame that I’ve unknowingly stifled by refusing to revisit the things I once loved was peeking its head out to let me know it was still there. and it grew until it swelled so big that I shamelessly shed a few tears right there in my spin class.
this silly little themed spin wasn’t just exercise — it was a reminder of how important this music is to me, and how it’s stuck with me all the way from my middle school gym class through my high school lunch breaks to long car rides with my friends in my early 20s to the here & now, on the scary precipice of turning 26.
and I had the thought: if only 13-year-old me, who was obsessed with the Midnight Memories album at the time, could see me on this bike right now doing elbow drops to Best Song Ever. what would 22-year-old me think about the fact that we’re still just as obsessed with Satellite and it still makes us cry, even in a group workout class? would she recognize this girl who looks the same, just a little bit older, who feels miles away from her?
I felt cosmically connected with a dozen different versions of myself from the past, and how their silly little obsessions all led me to this present moment and who I am today.
and this all has me thinking…
we as in me! I’ve forgotten my own ancient texts. or maybe I haven’t forgotten them, but I’ve pushed them down and need to resurface some of them. I’ve abandoned the things that truly light me up inside.
I’m finding that when I come back to these parts of myself and let them bubble up to the surface, it might feel a little uncomfortable to revisit these past selves — but I always end up feeling a sort of rejuvenation afterwards.
I mean, take my spin class for example! I haven’t listened to Harry’s House in its entirety in soooo long because it reminds me of a really weird but defining moment in my life (in both good and not-so-good ways), and sometimes it just feels too daunting to listen to that era’s soundtrack because it might take me back to that chapter. and I’m not even sure if I avoid it because it’s too painful, or because I long for that time when things were so much simpler. Harry’s House is undoubtedly one of my ancient texts and all-time favorite albums, and I’ve deprived myself of that for a while — which is why I had such a random emotional release and introspective moment in the studio. as Celine Dion says, it’s all coming back to me now!
it really can’t be understated how important this little moment has been for me. I’m literally sitting here right now writing this Substack post about a 45 minute workout class and the deep impact it had on me (and yes, I’m even listening to a One Direction playlist right now).
a sparkly philosophy I want to bring into the rest of my year: remembering my ancient texts, leaning into the things I love(d), and allowing myself to be a little more like the younger, more obsessive, better adapted version of myself. her biggest worry in life was if Zayn would ever rejoin the band. I miss her, I envy her!
my ancient texts are the things that feel like home to me. like, if someone asked me about the things that define me and my life, these are what would make the list.
all of my beloved music, as I have been gushing about this entire time. put on any of my favorite albums from my teenage years and I can literally taste the air from that time in my life. nothing transports me quite like music does. I’m deeply connected to my pop princes and princesses like One Direction & Ariana Grande, or my indie alt rock playlist from the 2000s and 2010s, or the classics my dad raised me on from the late 20th century, or the entire Abbey Road album that I would listen to on my record player in my early years of college.
honestly, writing! it takes me back to the time when I would write short stories in my composition notebooks in elementary and middle school, or when I would write poems about my boyfriends in high school. writing has always been such an escape and a home for me, so this practice in itself is so meaningful to me.
movies and television — art is really a theme here, huh? my favorite movies have shaped me forever and I can remember the specific times I watched them and how they helped me at that time. I watched Forrest Gump for the first time in middle school with my dad, not knowing then that it would become my favorite movie of all time. I watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off in high school on my laptop in my room, and I remember tears coming to my eyes during the museum scene. every year on my birthday I watch Ponyo. I was, like most other teenagers, obsessed with sitcoms like Parks and Rec and The Office. they helped me develop my sense of humor. these all fall in a different, more defining category of media — not quite comfort watches, but my ancient texts.
I am a professional re-watcher, re-listener, and re-reader, so it should come as no surprise that books are also a part of my ancient texts. I have to restrain myself from re-reading the Twilight saga more than once every few years because it stings my heart so sharply to read the words I’ve loved for over a decade of my life again. there’s no love like your first love, and my first love was Edward Cullen. I have The Perks of Being A Wallflower on a shelf in my room because it’s my longtime favorite book (no not the movie), and I think I’ll crack that open this spring.
there are specific memories or seasons I can recall where I had specific habits that I would categorize as my ancient texts. one that sticks out: throughout 2023, I was super into health and wellness, and I would do pilates in my room, journal, use my mom’s sauna, walk on my treadmill while watching Cowboy Bebop, and make protein smoothies with banana, strawberry, and oat milk. this particular season is something I would consider an ancient text. I’m always thinking of how confident and determined that girl was. habit stacking queen, so well-adjusted!
one of my classic ancient texts that I often return to: video games. I’ve grown up playing video games my whole life and they are an immediate comfort when I most need them. so much so, that when I’m having a hard day or need to concentrate extra hard at work, I put on a YouTube mix of “relaxing Animal Crossing tunes to help you study” or “nostalgic Pokémon songs to make you feel at home”. they always work.
I’m sure that there are probably dozens more that I can’t even think of right now, because I know my current self has been monumentally shaped by so many different things that my past selves have wholeheartedly loved, and sometimes obsessed over.
maybe my list can inspire you to make your own little list and come back to some of your own ancient texts! I encourage you to sit down and think about / jot down some of yours in a short exercise. if it feels obvious or silly or even outdated, that probably means you’re doing it right.
don’t withhold joy from yourself, feel it in all its forms whenever you can!!!
and hold your inner 14-year-old self closely… she’s trying to tell you something.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.