everyone I know is getting married

it’s May, which means it’s also the month that my best friend is getting married (to one of my other best friends !!!)

and can I be honest?

as truly thrilled and squishy-emotional and overjoyed I am that I get to be a part of such a special day for these two people whom I adore with all my heart,

I’m a little in my feels, too.

(my best friend subscribes to my Substack and she might be reading this, so Hannah, if you’re seeing this, just keep reading ‘til the end. I promise it gets better.)

I have a tiny bit of stress over my next season of life — which I explain in more detail in my post “I’m in a relationship with myself and it’s not going well”, the most raw, cathartic piece I’ve written here.

but my distress is more of a Rachel Green kind of feeling.

if you don’t know what I mean by that, or why I included the gif above, let me put on my Resident Friends Historian™ hat and explain for you.

in the opening of the seventh season, after countless trial-and-error relationships of the six friends, Monica announces (spoiler alert!) that she’s engaged to Chandler.

the episode is called “The One with Monica’s Thunder” because the driving plot is that Rachel has a bit of an off day — kissing Ross in the hallway, moping around, and being a little bitchy (I say with the utmost love and understanding for my girl) to her best friend — and Monica accuses Rachel, repeatedly, of trying to steal her thunder on her engagement day.

now, Rachel is the quintessential prom queen spoiled princess character (she’s so much more than that, but not everyone gets her like I do), so it would be reasonable to assume she was actually trying to steal the spotlight from her best friend. but as the story unfolds, we find out that Rachel isn’t acting out because she’s jealous of the attention that Monica is getting…

she’s happy-sad for her friend.

she’s beyond happy that her best friend is finally getting her fairytale ending and she gets to be a part of it. but she’s also sad that she herself doesn’t get to experience one yet, and time is ticking.

and she doesn’t know how to cope with that.

in the kinda-sorta resolution that we get in the episode, Rachel opens up to Monica and tells her this:

“All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?

Because I was sad.

Look, I am so, so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better.”

it’s been a running joke with me and my best friend that we are Monica and Rachel. we even have a photo of the two of them hanging up in our apartment. 95% of the time, I’m Monica (type A brunette) and she’s Rachel (type B blonde).

but this time, I find myself in the exact same position as Rachel.

while I didn’t steal my friends’ thunder (at least, I hope I didn’t?), this change has come with a really harsh look in the mirror of my own life. it was as if I had been dancing and floating through air for months, and suddenly I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, not sure where I’ve actually been going this whole time.

want to hear a confession?

I actually watched this episode of Friends in that season where I was processing the fact that I was in such a different season than all of my friends around me. I didn’t want to burden my friends with the personal crisis that I was having, which seemed surface-level from the outside but was actually quite deeply changing me as a person on the inside.

no one’s there for me quite like my favorite sitcom is… but that’s another post for another day.

in this episode, Rachel Green said the thing that you’re not supposed to say when it feels like everyone around you is falling in love and getting married and moving on. and it helped me feel so seen.

these days, it feels like every time I open Instagram, there’s another grand announcement: engagements, pregnancies, job offers, trips to Italy (I feel like everyone is always in Europe??).

and I’m trying not to be cynical — I really am — but sometimes it just feels like I’m behind. or maybe not behind… but, stagnant?

it doesn’t help that the dating scene is an absolute dumpster fire, especially in DC, or that the job market sucks and even if I wanted to find another job, I couldn’t, and that I can’t spend money on anything because everything I make goes towards rent, groceries, or taxes.

they say that your 20s are supposed to be the most thrilling time of your life, but most of the time it feels like I’m just treading water. I’m going through the motions and doing my best to paddle and get to the other side of the pond, but I’m not really going anywhere.

am I not doing this “life” thing right?

out of seven of my closest girlfriends, five of them are engaged, married, or having babies. and while a lot of the time that fact might make me feel a little isolated, it’s also easy to see the positives in that. (shoutout therapy for this coping mechanism!)

one, how lucky am I that I get to be a part of such special milestones in the lives of the women I love most? to get to witness them fall in love, get married, and start families is such a magical, sparkly thing that I feel grateful to experience alongside them.

and two, because they’re going before me, I can turn to them for wisdom, advice, and comfort when it’s my turn one day.

they’ll have gone through the whole wedding planning process and they can tell me what they wish they would have done differently. they’ll be there to cheer me on before every date I go on, and they’ll be the ones to receive my 10 minute long voice memos after the date is over to listen and help me decide if there should be a second date. they’ll have hand-me-down clothes from their babies that they'll let me have for my own babies. they will pave the way for me, and I will be surrounded by love every step of the way because of them.

the honest truth is that, sometimes, being a 20-something is brutal. it feels like everyone around you constantly has their stuff more together than you do, and you’re somehow always falling behind the vision you once had for yourself.

but a truth even more worth acknowledging?

comparison kills.

while it’s not my turn to fall in love and have the wedding of my dreams (YET!), there are plenty of things I have to be grateful for, too:

— the fact that I get to be single and date around and have fun in my 20s.

— a friend group that I absolutely adore, and they adore me back.

— my family, who are all healthy and close enough for me to visit often.

— living in my own apartment, that I’ll get to decorate and decide all the rules for!

— a job that gives me freedom and fulfillment.

— a Substack that lets me live out my 2000s rom-com journalist diva fantasies!

I might be a little bit behind what I once envisioned for myself at 26, but I’m probably living out someone else’s dreams with what I do have! and that’s worth noticing too.