Mom-Envy is a Portal

It’s so wild how often I find myself comparing my life and choices to others. I didn’t realize how much I’d been doing this constant comparing until I got on Substack and started putting myself out there again.

In these this wild times, where patterns are illuminated and excavated at what feels like rapid speeds, there has been a spotlight on my thoughts. A spotlight I haven’t been able to turn away from. And with putting myself back online I’m noticing how often I’m running my decisions through this question: “What would ‘that mom’ do in this situation?” As if that person, with that entirely different life than me, is superior to me, and somehow knows my life better than I do.

This comes on especially strong when it comes to parenting.

This is where social media and influencer culture can become really toxic, when WE, the consumers, aren’t doing the discerning, truth-seeking inner work. Because suddenly, these women who I don’t know personally, and who don’t know me, are becoming the outer authority in my reality.

On days when I take in more than I produce, I become a shell of myself. And in the flip of a switch I am so easily triggered. Thinking, Gosh I bet “that mom” breastfed longer than I was able to.

It happens so fast.

The more triggered I become, the more mesmerized I become. And before I know it, when my kid is eating chicken nuggets for lunch again and throwing himself on the floor, I’m watching me shame myself: I bet “that mom” doesn’t let her kids eat chicken nuggets. And I bet “that mom” handles tantrums better too.

Her life is better than mine. She is a better mom than me. She has it more figured out than I do.

But lately I’ve been suspicious of this pattern. What is actually happening here? What’s the deeper thing behind this thing? I could full stop here and say, the solution is obviously to get off the internet, unfollow this person, or group of people I’m comparing myself to, completely exile those thoughts, remind myself I’m a great mom trying my best, dust myself off, and carry on with life.

But what is it that I believe this person has that I don’t have? What are these impulsive thought patterns showing me?

For me, it’s this: I am holding a belief that “that mom” is making decisions from a more rooted place than I am.

And I might be right.

Here’s how I know this is the thing beneath the thing:

When I get curious, and ask myself,

Do I want to be exactly like this person?

No.

Do I want this persons exact lifestyle?

No.

Is there something this person has that I want my own version of?

Probably.

Do I want to parent more like this person?

Maybe.

Okay we’re getting somewhere now… What do you perceive about the way this person is Being that you’re not fulling embodied in?

She lives life for her, no one else.

She doesn’t follow the status-quo.

She is deeply connected to her inner knowing.

And she put’s her way of being on display, unapologetically.

Good. So would it be correct to assume you want to live life for YOU. You wan’t to reject the status-quo? You want to be more deeply connected to your inner knowing?And overall, you want to be more unapologetically, and loudly like YOU?

Yep. Nailed it. Absolutely.

When I think, “That mom wouldn’t let her kid do X, Y, or Z,” I’m not actually saying anything factual about that mom. I’m perceiving her as connected to her higher self —as someone with a strong inner knowing who confidently makes the best decisions for her family.

And in these day-to-day moments of envy, I am using her as a stand-in for my own higher self. The more connected version of me. The version who trusts what she knows, listens to herself, and makes decisions from a place of deep Inner Knowing.

So it’s not actually about what this other mother is or isn’t doing. She is serving as a mirror of a part of me I know exists, but maybe haven’t fully tapped into, trusted, or listened to yet.

Maybe the chicken nuggets are showing me that feeding my kids processed food day after day doesn’t feel aligned with one of my core values: personal health & consuming clean, high quality foods.

Maybe the breastfeeding thought is touching on a part of me that feels like I stopped when I could have kept going. Maybe hearing about another mother breastfeeding until their kid is two brings me into contact with grief, regret, or something that still feels unfinished inside of me.

And maybe that tantrum comparison is asking me to look at how I am handling things on this particular day. How am I responding? What behavior am I engaging in? What energy am I bringing into the room? Is there dysregulation within me that i’m not addressing, that could be increasing the frequency of the meltdowns today?

But when I don’t remained the center focus in this discovery, it can quickly get away from me and become, I need to emulate a version of this person’s life in order to be happy instead of, I need to take inventory of where I’m not currently being Me, and step into where I’m being called to align more deeply with my core values. And be more unapologetically myself.

Because what this is all guiding me back to is a deep, core desire to make more decisions like my Self. I don’t want to emulate “that mom’s” entire reality. I want to embody the quality I perceive her to have: a strong inner compass and a deep enough connection to her own values that she is willing to put her unique way of being on display.

She doesn’t even have to actually possess that quality for the “work” to work. I only have to perceive it in her.

Because envy so often speaks in assumptions.

“I bet she would never feed her kids that.”

“I bet she never loses her patience.”

“I bet she breastfed longer than I did.”

I imagine she is living completely in alignment with a value I care about but don’t currently feel like I’m living by fully. Then I use that invented version of her as evidence against myself.

“That mom” is not necessarily showing me how I should live. She is illuminating the part of me I haven’t fully trusted yet.

Envy is a mirror. An opportunity to show you what you want most. At it’s lowest expression, envy tells us to reject the life we have and become something entirely different than ourselves. At it’s highest expression, it shows us how to have a different relationship with the life we already have.

Now, more than ever, it feels so important not to peek into the window of another’s life (or what they are choosing to put on display), without Truthful and discerning eyes. It is so important to not get swept away by the idea of emulating someone else’s version of reality will somehow how magically making us more X,Y, and Z.

And I see this same pattern far beyond motherhood.

“Oh my god, I need a house exactly like that”

But do I really need that exact house? or is there something about the way it feels that I am craving? What do I love about it? The warmth? The beauty? The feeling of family life unfolding inside of it? What parts of that feeling could I infuse into the life I already have?

“Ugh, their relationship is so romantic”

But what am I actually perceiving in their relationship that I want more of in mine? Do I want to feel special? Do I want more surprise, romance, thoughtfulness? Is tehre something I need to ask for—or something I’m being invited to create?

The envy doesn’t necessarily mean I want their house, their marriage, their body, or their version of motherhood. It may mean they are embodying—or appear to be embodying — an energy I want to experience more fully in my own life.

And once I understand what that energy is, I don’t have to copy and paste their reality. I can create my own version of it here.

And every time I get swept away *thank god that happens, by the way* I am reminded that it is not the BIG, life-altering, material change that is going to move the needle.

It’s the energy beneath the shiny object that is calling to shift. Because how many times have I swapped shiny object for perceived shiner object, only to land right back where I started?

But it is the inner-change that’s turns the old belief on it’s axis.

A surface shift can’t scratch the True itch.

My word going into this year was Courage. I thought courage would mean simply mustering up the confidence to return to my “work”— creating again, sharing again, putting myself back out there.

I didn’t realize how much that intention would illuminate. It has felt earth-shattering and life-altering, but strangely easy at the same time. The patterns appear, I see them, and something small shifts externally, and something massive ripples within me, almost in the same breath.

As if simply choosing a different path can begin to break an ancient cycle.

Maybe that is another gift of envy: it opens a portal for change. And, to my surprise, the change is often easy.

Not because every pattern is effortless to change. But when I understand what the envy is actually communicating, I don’t have to put pressure on myself to become the person I’m watching. I don’t have to blow up my entire life.

The shift might be as simple as making a different lunch, asking clearly for what I need, or choosing a new response in the middle of an old pattern.

The comparison makes it feel like I need an entirely different life. But the portal usually leads me toward one small, honest change inside the life I already have.

It feels like the old me is gone. I left her behind in those five days alone with my kids where my entire reality blew up in my face. And months before that she was already dissolving, already upgrading. But those five days were also portal.

Because in those days I was “that mom.” Not the one I’m watching from the outside looking in. But the one I’m being when I’m fully leaned-in as the capable mom I already am.

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the “work” leading up to — but it feels like this upgrade was merely a decision.

A decision for life to be enjoyable, because it can be.

A decision to stop waiting for permission to have fun again because this stage is “hard”

A decision to fully lean in. To say “fuck it” and go all in with my life — my creativity, my kids, my husband —to just fully BE in all of it.

To say “amazing” when someone asks me how my summer has been with my kids.

Period. Full stop.

No caveats, No “holy shit I’m dying for a break.” just simply, Amazing.

Not because it’s been so easy breezy, but because choosing to be fully alive inside of my life has been a genuinely amazing holy-shit-this-is-the-thing-ive-been-craving-this-whole-time experience.

Fuck window shopping for another life.

This is my life.

And I’ll choose the same one over and over again.

So rather than waiting for a version of me who makes the “right” decisions. I simply choose to become the version of me who makes decisions most like ME.

The person who lives most like ME.

The mother who parents most like ME.

I have simply chosen to be that version, right now. The one who loves her life, claims her space, uses her voice, and creates a loving, warm home for her family to grow and make memories in.

I bow to the envy for showing me everything I already have that I have yet to fully step into.

And for showing me that the step is truly just one single step forward, into the life I already have.

I am not working towards becoming someone else’s version of Truth.

I am working on recognizing all the ways I am already my own.