Modern dating: follow-up thoughts this holiday season

Hello dear readers,

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I’m popping up on your feed not with a “2024 Wrapped” or “2025 New Year’s Resolutions” post, although don’t worry, those just may be forthcoming. No, I’m here today to talk about a past article I wrote: Can we introduce a new type of relationship? Cue: Casual+. Let’s call this a follow-up, because I’m not sure “part 2” would be accurate.

Naturally, I did some dating in 2024. I met people, I went out with them, and I wrote that post born out of my own experiences and also the lamentations of my single friends. It was more of a sassy commentary on the state of modern dating than an article about my personal dating habits or suggestions for others’. Well, it was intended to be, I can see how the lines were blurred and it came across as an homage to low-commitment couplings.

I bring this topic up again because not only was this article my most-read and most-liked, it was also my most polarizing. You see, when I tell people I’m a writer, they often ask to read my work. I could point them to the 2025 Packaging Trends ebook I labored over for months at my real job where I make real money, but they tend to be more interested in my personal work. As non-writers, they usually gravitate toward the one article that talks about something they actually care about, dating.

We all know people who label themselves as having an avoidant attachment style get a bad reputation in the dating world. And I get it! I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been the avoidant and I’ve been abandoned by one. Neither are fun experiences. However, isn’t an anxious attachment style a different response to similar wounds and triggers? Therefore, they should all get a bad rep because they all result from the same source: unhealed trauma. That’s really the cornerstone of modern dating, isn’t it? That’s why people are so jaded, anxious, distrusting, and the list goes on.

That’s where my first article missed the mark. It’s not just about murky relationships and lack of communication. It’s about wounds. It’s about healing. It’s about behavior and patterns. It all sounds a bit mathematical, and in a sense, it can be. The complication, though, is that math and emotions don’t mix very well. One is logical and follows a formula. One is more akin to a dumpster fire.

A new comment on my old-ish post brought this to my attention. It mentioned the fear of commitment and the endless buffet of options served to us on faux silver platters via curated profiles. Yes, the dating apps. Not only are we not dealing with our own root issues, but we have so many options at our fingertips, we’re experiencing decision fatigue. Couple that with plenty of other layers (political, socioeconomic, cultural, and the list goes on…) and dating becomes something of a Rubik’s cube.

I think that is what I was trying to articulate in my first article. Receiving that comment prompted me to ponder it further after some time away.

The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter why dating may be difficult in this day and age. It doesn’t matter if you’re avoidant, anxious, or secure in your attachment style. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for something long-term and monogamous or casual and ethically non monogamous. Labels are just labels. What matters is what we do with that understanding of ourselves and how we let it affect our behavior in romantic endeavors.

At first, I was a little worried when I saw the comment, a long block of text, that it was going to be another person who misunderstood what I was attempting to say with those words. Who was, essentially, misunderstanding me. That isn’t what it was, though. It was an alternate perspective that I don’t disagree with. It has a place in this patchwork.

Also, it’s important to note, I’m not a real psychologist. I took AP Psych and loved every second of it and think I could make some good money in another life as a therapist. But, all I’m doing when I categorize my own behavior and patterns is likening it to other behavior and patterns resulting from studies done by the real psychologists. So, take all of this with a grain of salt.

This topic is timely as we’re rapidly approaching the holidays. They can feel festive, fun, and full of happiness. Or they can feel dark, lonely, and tiresome. We’re living in the dichotomy of light and dark because we can’t have one without the other. The sparkle of holiday lights only happens when it can Illuminate the dark.

So, if you’re blissfully happy this holiday season, whether coupled or single, revel in it. And if you’re not, if you’re alone or going through a hard time, know that this too shall pass.

I hope this time serves as a reset button, a chance to nourish yourself, and maybe, if you’re lucky, it’ll rub off on those around you, too.

That’s the energy I’m bringing into not just my dating life, but everything, in 2025.