I'm Still Writing

Sundays are for spiraling. Spiraling about the upcoming week, the chores we still have to do, the 40+ hours of work we’re about to embark upon, again. Day after day, week after week, until it’s been months and then years of the same cycle. It sounds depressing, doesn’t it? The hamster wheel of life. I feel like I’ve been running on it on full speed, clutching the cramp in my side, waiting for it to abate, but it never does. The relief doesn’t come. Not until there’s been a break or a reset of sorts. That’s why vacation days and paid time off exist, because we would lose our minds without them.

I know none of this is groundbreaking. Every 20-something ever has said these exact words and complained about how hard adulting is. But still… wouldn’t it be nice to just do whatever we wanted to do, on our own schedule, all day, every day, and still be able to live? When I’m spiraling, especially on a Sunday, I think about what it would be like to do just that. I’m not talking about sleeping until noon and sitting on the couch all day. I’m talking being creative and making a living doing what I enjoy.

It sounds liberating. It sounds like never having to worry about presentations I don’t want to give or meetings I don’t want to attend ever again. But that’s not real life, and I know that. Worse, turning something you enjoy into your career is a surefire way to kill creativity if you aren’t careful. For instance, I’ve had bouts of writer’s block in the last several months, and I can imagine the dread that would creep in upon staring at a set of chapters I can’t figure out how to fix while a deadline looms above, taunting. And while I’d be getting paid to do so (a girl’s gotta eat), that adds another level of complexity by turning the thing I previously enjoyed with no strings into a job. If I’m not sweating it out in corporate America then you bet I’m going to knock on the doors of the exclusive writer’s club that is the publishing industry. That means deadlines and pitching myself and not closing my laptop when inspiration doesn’t strike. Yikes.

The grass isn’t always greener. And yet, that’s still my dream.

I long to sit at a coffee shop and fret over the arc of my main character of my latest work in progress. Maybe I’m fooling myself, and I wouldn’t like the looser, more creative life any more than I like my structured, professional one. But if I’m doing all of those things after working for a full day (and using up all my brain power) and am still making progress (most of the time), then the answer is clear.

So I keep going. I keep working the same job writing about packaging solutions. I keep revising my novel even when my head aches from staring at a screen all day. I keep making progress, little by little. And even though it feels painfully slow sometimes (read: all the time), it’s still something. Even if it’s just rambling on Substack without a real point after not posting for a while, I’m still creating. I’m still doing the work.

Maybe all of this was to assuage the cognitive dissonance I feel all the time about writing as a whole and my ability to do it. Maybe it was just the journal entry I needed this Sunday.

Whether it’s focused on the difficulty of writing, the love of it, or what a future with writing may look like, hey, at least I’m still writing.

That’s enough for me. For now.

📚 What I’m reading: The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. While I’ve known, heard, and read about Joan Didion for a long time, this is my first time reading her prolific work. I’m a fiction girl through and through, so a memoir isn’t usually my go-to genre, but Didion is a fabulous writer with a knack for taking you into her mind and making you feel what she feels.

🎥 What I’m watching: The finale of Love Island USA comes out tonight. While this season has been messy, toxic, and chaotic, I’ve been locked in. I also recently watched Sirens with Meghann Fahy and Milly Alcock and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a vibe switch from Love Island. Eerie, mysterious, and interesting, this show kept me hooked until the twist at the end. Definitely recommend.

✨ Your turn: What other topics would you be interested in reading about on The Lively Word? Leave a comment and let me know!