In praise of dying like a coyote

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I hear people talk about their retirement
that as long as by sixty five
if they aren’t still renting
and don’t have a mortgage
and social security hasn’t failed
and the world hasn’t ended
and money still exists
they may actually be ok
after working and saving
for last fifteen years
they may actually be ok
one couple tells me
that by the end of their lives
if their investments pay off
they could be billionaires
or they could have nothing
at least that’s what
their financial advisor tells them
I am then asked what I plan to do in my retirement
how I am saving for it
what my projections for the future are
the first thing that comes to mind
is that last night I splurged
and got thai food
it was forty dollars
for an entree and appetizer and a cup of ginger tea
it was a lot of money for me
but I chose to live like this
and am glad to do so
but it doesn’t bode well
for retirement
but what does?
everything going perfectly?
everything staying the same
for the next sixty years?
when has that happened?
who wants that to happen?
I don't want to hedge my life on things going perfect
I don't want to waste my days now
in the hope that in forty years,
I can take a vacation
to an all inclusive resort
I teach retirees often
I hear their writing about long and empty days
one retired student once wrote about
how she makes up stories about what she does in a day
so that she can tell her friends when they call
something other than the same nothing she does every day
when people ask me
about my retirement
I think that I will write and live
for as long as I can
and then go to the woods
and die like a coyote
laid out among the meadow grass
starved and smiling
in the soft sun
I’d prefer that
to the old age home
to the surgeries
to the cancer
and the hoarding
to wasting money and time
and water and resources
on keeping me alive
and this may be the rambling
of a privileged young man
who is yet full of youth
in fact it is that rambling
but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true
when I am old
I hope I am brave enough
to accept my death with a sigh of relief
instead of trying to hold my breath
for now I prefer to live first and then die
rather than live as if I’m already dead
killing each day with work
and future projections
to get a few more years
of creamed corn
and tv reruns
when I’m old and useless
let me wander the woods
let me rise with the sun
and fall with it, too