A Walk in the Park

Alice and Bob work for a delivery company. Alice is an administrator. Bob delivers packages.

Alice: Bob! Glad I caught you! Just wanted to chat. Listen Bob, I was thinking: it takes you eight hours a day to walk your route. If you jogged, you could cut it to four.

Bob: Four hours of jogging is pretty intense.

Alice: But you’ll halve the amount of time you work! Think of all the things you could do with four extra hours a day!

Bob: Well. It sounds hard, but four extra hours? Yeah, okay, let’s give it a try.

The next day.

Alice: Bob-o! My man! Glad I caught you. Listen Bob, I was thinking: it takes you four hours a day to jog your route. If you ran, you could cut it to two.

Bob [panting]: I don’t think I can run two hours in a row. I’m really not in that kind of shape.

Alice: Bob! Bobby baby! My Bobster! You’re focusing on the negatives! Think of your life outside of work! Two hours a day, while the rest of us shlubs are working the old nine-to-five? Give it a try and see what happens! And, listen, this is just between you and me, Bob, but I’ve seen the recent numbers, and a lot of people want this job…

Bob [panting]: Okay. Okay. Let’s see how it goes.

The next day.

Alice: Well if it isn’t “Bang for your Buck” Bob! Ol’ Bama Lama Ding Dong! Bibbidy-Bobbidy-Bob! How are ya?

Bob [huffing, red-faced, hands on knees]: All. Right.

Alice: Great great great. Listen Bob, I was thinking: it takes you two hours a day to run your route, but if you sprinted—just flat-out, everything-you’ve-got, fast-as-humanly-fucking-possible sprinted—you could cut it to one.

Bob [huffing, red-faced, hands on knees]: Bad. Idea. Maybe…not?

Alice: Can’t work one hour a day, huh ol’ Bobby boy? Listen, this is just between you and me, Bob, but I’ve seen the even more recent numbers, and a lot of people want this job, Bob. A lot a lot of people. And besides, it’s an hour of day! Who can’t swing that?
Bob [huffing, red-faced, hands on knees]: O… O…

Alice: Spit it out Bob.

Bob [huffing, red-faced, hands on knees]: Okay.

The next day.

Alice: Hi Bob. Got some bad news. Nothing terrible. Just a little kink we need to work out.

Bob [lying on ground, clutching chest]: Wha? Whaisit?

Alice: Well, the company noticed you’ve only been working one hour a day. The president doesn’t mind—really, the president doesn’t mind!—but the other workers are complaining. They’re out there, busting their asses, working eight full hours. And you’re only working one? Efficient’s efficient, Bob, but fair’s fair, ya know? Honestly, I feel like we’re just not challenging you. We want to keep you challenged! A boring job’s worse than a hard job, right? So we feel you could take on more work—er, we feel you could acquire a few new responsibilities—really help you “up” your game. Really, it’s only fair, Bob.

Bob [lying on ground, clutching chest]: How. Much. Time?

Alice: Like I said: fair’s fair. Eight hours a day. Just like everybody else. And of course now that we know you can sprint your route, we’ll expect you to keep up the pace.

Bob [lying on ground, clutching chest]: [Small noise.]

Alice: Sounds good. Well, I gotta run. Oof—excuse the pun. [Notices legs.] Hey! Nice calves by the way. Have you been working out? [Notices shoes.] Might want a new pair of tennies, though. Those things are worn out. Well, ta-ta Bob-o!

Bob: [Dies.]

Alice [walking away without looking back]: Looooooooota people want this job, Bob. Lotta lotta people want this job.