Witches' Brew

You may have noticed that the world has gone a bit wacky lately.

I am not even going to go there in terms of my fellow human citizens, but the fever seems to have even hit the animal kingdom.

In perhaps the most unlikely buddy combo since Oscar Madison and Felix Unger, scientists in the Amazon have found ocelots (a wild cat) and opossums (marsupials) hanging out “like two old friends walking home from a bar,” even though they are usually predator and prey.

There are various scientific theories, such as the ocelot’s scent hiding the opossum’s scent from larger prey, and the opossum guiding the ocelot to prey the opossum cannot itself catch with the quid pro quo being the opossum gets the takeout leftovers.

Sorry, I am not convinced.

Meanwhile, the popular Goodman Mountain trail in the Adirondack Mountains was closed for more than a month since a 1,400 pound bull moose took up residence there and, like house guests that cannot take a hint, showed no intention to leave.

The Department of Environmental Conservation blamed illness as the likely cause for the “unusual behaviors” of the moose.

Again, I am not buying it.

Finally, the Imelda Marcos of foxes nicknamed “Swiper the Fox” (aka, the “Sneaker Snatcher” and the “Midnight Mismatcher”) has stolen more than 32 pairs of shoes from campers in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming.

The National Park Service put up a poster titled, “Wanted for Grand Theft Footwear,” “Crimes: Stealing left shoes (they taste better), flip-flops and campers’ pride.”

The Park Service speculated that maybe the fox got a food reward associated with a shoe and now thinks that shoes are going to result in food or, having clearly never been anywhere near my shoes, that the shoes could have “an olfactory appeal.”

No way says cynical me.

There is really only one plausible explanation for all the strange goings on in both the animal kingdom and otherwise all around.

Witches.

Witches? Yes, witches.

Apparently, people looking for jobs, fretting about school exams, and concerned about their love life, as well as much of the U.S. Congress, are spending their money to get a witch on Etsy to cast a favorable spell.

There are “love spells, career charms and spirit cleansers.”

One person got a spell to make sure the weather was perfect on her wedding day and it was. You have a better explanation?

Another person cast a spell to help the New York Knicks win an NBA playoff game (when his spell did not work out for a subsequent game in which the Knicks were eliminated from the playoffs, he reasoned that opposing fans “used their [own] devil magic.)”

Seriously, the Knicks even getting to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals?! You have a better explanation?

And Jalen Brunson? Warlock? Pact with the Devil? There’s more than Malcolm Gladwell and 10,000 hours going on here!

All well and good for positive outcomes a la Mr. Brunson, but what about eeeeeviiiil spells?

Are witches regulated so we can rest assured that we are getting safe, quality and government approved spells? Sounds like something perfectly suited for RFK Jr.

Look, I am fairly agnostic about witches in general, and would be all in on a good spell now and then, but there are witches and then there are witches.

Glinda is one thing but iksnay on the Wicked Witch of the West.

And yes, Melisandra did Jon Snow a good turn, but you have to admit the Red Woman was a bit on the creepy side.

At the same time, while younger generations may have their Hermione, double, double, toil and trouble, my pre-pubescent self was never quite the same once I was bewitched by Samantha Stevens (Elizabeth Montgomery), so I do not dismiss the whole occult notion out of hand.

One young bewitched Etsy customer in her early twenties said she believes more people her age are willing to gamble on witchcraft explaining, “Like, we are young, dumb and broke. It’s out of desperation.”

They may be young and broke but they are certainly not dumb. I think they are onto something.

I tell you this as a public service since the practice is more widespread than you may realize and you very likely will soon be subject to a witch’s spell.

In today’s world, so many things defy explanation and Etsy witches’ spells are the most reasonable answer, for example:

• When my grandson was born he did not speak for nearly a year! We assumed it was shock from the birth but now I am pretty convinced that someone put a spell on him. Luckily, 19 months later, he is now talking up a storm. Spell must be wearing off.

• Hulk Hogan passed away from cardiac arrest at age 71. Impossible! The Hulkster would not just get old and die. The man’s biceps were larger than my legs (okay, the same may be true of Taylor Swift, but still). Gotta be an evil sorcerer behind it all.

• Sometimes, I walk into a room in my house and forget why I went in there in the first place. No way age is creeping up on me - - some nasty person hit me with a spell.

• I love to swim but there are limits. Notwithstanding a century long ban, people are now allowed to swim with the bacteria in the Seine River in Paris. Swimming is only banned after rain that leads to a high concentration of E. coli (and an occasional body part of an unidentified animal species). Do you really think these swimmers are doing this of their free will?!

• The hairs on my head are few and far between. Same with my brother Mike. Our older brother David has a full mop of hair on his dome that he still wears in a style from when the Bee Gees had a number one hit. Sounds like a sibling rivalry spell.

• A man was recently arrested at the U.S. border hiding in his car dashboard fourteen Keel-Billed Toucans, a threatened species worth $5,000 each on the open Toucan market. The driver told U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services that he “was not aware how the Toucans got into [his] car, and that [he] had no connection to any bird trade activity.” I, of course, believe him and have absolute faith in his alibi. Hopefully, the investigators can quickly determine who put a spell on this poor man.

• Marco Rubio? Clearly, someone has put some kind of spell on him. In fact, this spell may be affecting most of Washington D.C. You have a better explanation?

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