Fat Bottom Bears

“We can figure out where to eat after we park.”

“What? You want an aardvark?”

A typical exchange between my wife Robin and me.

No, we are not riding on booming loud motorcycles in a Progressive Insurance commercial. Our hearing has just gotten a little worse.

To be clear, we do not have a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in the house, but we do meet some of the other characteristics of Progressive Insurance commercials about turning into your parents.

We do discuss when we are leaving a venue before we get there. Check.

And parking is always an important matter to address. Check.

But hey, we’re not turning into anybody’s parents! We’re already the parents!

But, I digress.

“Do you think we can do that later?”

“What do you mean, you’re calling the Mayor?”

Much of this is just age appropriate as hearing loss affects two-thirds of people over age 70 (almost but not quite there!) and even more spouses who pretend not to hear what the other spouse is saying.

Apparently, hearing loss can also become a factor in cognitive decline and dementia.

A recent article in the New York Times claimed that retirement itself might become a factor in cognitive decline and dementia and “precipitate big changes in brain health.”

Of course, the same article says that retirement “can also be an opportunity for improving cognitive and mental health, with newfound time to socialize and take on hobbies.”

So … maybe retirement has nothing to do with it?

I am not sure or at least cannot remember. What were we talking about?

One media post will claim hearing loss, retirement, and being a Mets fan, leads to a river of accelerated decline whose current pulls you up in front of the nursing home babbling like a newborn because you never got a hearing aid, stopped work before you turned 80, or actually believed ‘cause ya gotta.

Another post will tell us that all of the above leads to the best years of your life, full of magical fulfillment, and endless discounts on early-bird special dinners.

Aging is certainly not for sissies, but staying involved with people and keeping your mind and body active, however you do it, is probably the best we can do.

And, while we cannot do all that we did 20 or 30 years ago, we can still use our smarts to adapt and keep ourselves going.

For inspiration, I look to “856.”

Let me explain.

One of my favorite high cultural events, akin to an evening at the Metropolitan Opera, is held annually at Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska.

That’s correct. I am talking about Fat Bear Week, the annual fattest bear contest to crown the King or Queen Tubby that best gets ready for a long winter ahead.

As the brown bears fatten up for hibernation over the winter we get to ask the age old question, “Does this salmon make me look fat?”

No shaming here since the bears do not eat or drink during hibernation and, according to Mike Fitz, a former park ranger and resident naturalist at the media organization that helps host Fat Bear Week, “Fat bears are healthy bears.”

Fat bottom bears you make my rockin’ world go round.

The regulars chomp down a year’s worth of food between June and October (at an impressive 50,000 calories per day pace!) before taking a winter long nap. Some of us have also achieved that caloric goal – you know who you are!

The format is a “March Madness” type bracket contest that allows the public to vote in “a single-elimination, no-holds-barred, completely subjective tournament” based on which bear they think has had the largest body makeover.

There is no WNBA second-tier citizenship here either since lady bears chow down right with the males in a way that would make Caitlin Clark proud.

Best of all, there is an addictive livestream so one can see in real time which bear is best able to add four to five pounds a day down by the river with their salmon catching skills.

Okay, so maybe I have spent too many hours of my retirement watching bears hit the salmon buffet, but you will be joining me now that you know it is available.

Making Good Time would like to offer our artery hardening congratulations to Chunk on his being named this year’s winner. Chunk weighted in at a hefty 1,200 pounds, notwithstanding arriving at the river with a broken jaw which limited his ability to chomp down the calories.

We are also not just talking about a participation trophy here for 856 since he was bear-ly beaten by Chunk and came in a very respectable second place after beating two-time champion Grazer in an earlier round.

This is 856, in all his meaty 2021 glory.

856 is no youngster and the NY Times would undoubtedly insinuate that he is facing cognitive decline and dementia.

Even if he occasionally confuses his lady bear for a salmon (hey, who hasn’t done that), according to Mr. Fitz “the side-by-side comparisons of 856 from June to September is quite staggering.”

856 was once the top bear at the river ruling by force in a long and storied career. The LeBron James of brown bears.

Yes, you can look it up. At the Katmai Bears Cam Wiki Fandom page (no, I am not making this up). Is there a Wiki Fandom page for everything?

According to Fandom, 856 was the “most dominant bear from 2011 through 2023” other than when battling injuries (likely needed Tommy John surgery).

The Fandom page has all kinds of information regarding “Identification” (well, he’s a bear), “Distinctive Behaviors” (he licks his lips as he fishes) and that he is “hyperdominant,” i.e., he displays an unusually high level of aggression and will often go out of his way to challenge or chase away other large dominant males. Kind of a lawyer bear.

There is even a link to 856’s own meet bear video, making him somewhat of an influencer bear.

As is true of LeBron, 856 is near the end of his dominant career but still a force.

Now that 856 is on Medicare (as is, I believe, LeBron), he has learned to patiently maintain dominance without exhausting himself by picking his battles.

He uses intelligence and adaptability “to stay in the game” as the younger bears get bigger.

In honor of 856 and with his steadfast support, I too have been using my intelligence and adaptability when I can muster it, even while catching salmon as the following photograph evidences.

Sure, my version is smoked, but it is not so easy to push to the front of the line at Zabars!

All of us 856 wanna bears have to keep learning to adapt, use our intelligence, and stay in the game. Maybe even get a little schmear along the way with our Nova.

“Honey, did you really write an article about a bear?”

“What? I should go away and stay out of your hair?”

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