...I am losing my patience...
I just sent a very important email to Keir Starmer, supposed leader of this green and pleasant land. You can do that, y know? You can send him your thoughts and enquiries and pleas for common sense and general reviews of his performance as PM to keir.starmer.mp@parliament.uk Obviously I am in [ ] Source
Well hello me hearties yo-ho and welcome to 2025 which thus far looks a lot like 2024 but with more hangovers. Not for me though, oh no, I was too smart for all that nonsense this year. Last year. Yesteryear? Oh who gives a shit, 2024 deserved to be forcefully [ ] Source
"YOU'VE ALL BEEN NAUGHTY AND NOW YOU'RE ON MY LIST!" They could tell without doubt, Kris Kringle was pissed... Source
Dear reader, allow me to spin you a tale of mystery, suspense and intrigue. A tale which may chill the bones and quicken the heart. A true story, of course*. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin This evening, I found myself sitting idle, restless, so decided to cross [ ] Source
At the beginning of 2021 my then wife, a wonderful woman by the way, very sensibly realised that I was a massive arsehole and we agreed to go our separate ways. I won t lie and say it s been smooth sailing on the seas of singledom (oooh, esses) but every so [ ] Source
The other day, while sat at my desk swearing at passing thoughts, I felt a hunger. A rumbly in my tumbly, as a certain trouserless bear is known to say before rifling through friends cupboards to steal their supplies. Wandering to my kitchen, I found myself in possession of not [ ] Source
It's going to be OK. Honestly. It'll take a long time and it won't be easy, a lot like having sex with a Wookie. Source
Squodge - A method of mixing which involves gingerly moving food around a pan and cursing as bits of it slip over the edge, welding themselves to the hob with a sound like a snake being slowly run through a mangle. Source
When I do finally sit down in front of my laptop, that's it. For hour after bleary eyed hour I will type until my fingers look like chunks of Pepperami smeared with lovely raspberry jam. Source
The country lies in ashen tatters. Who will lead us? Doesn't matter! The lot of 'em are mad as hatters, but Boris looks a shoe in. Source