when your invincible dad is sick

i was lying in bed, listening to the heavy rain, failing to fall asleep. my mind went back to the time Hanoi was having huge floods, and my 63-year-old dad would voluntarily stand in the rain, directing the traffic from 6 am to 8 pm so that water didn’t get into my house.

he’s always been the strongest person I know! 63, strong physically, healthy in diet and lifestyle.

he was THE “pillar” of my family.

so when i heard the news that he had a stroke, it felt like my world was collapsing. how can my dad be sick? permanently sick? No that’s not true.

but it is true. when i first visited him in the hospital, i guessed that he would, at best, get back to 60-70% of the man he used to be. in my 26-year-old mind, he’s invincible. and now, in front of me, he isn’t.

very quickly, i learn to accept that my parents are getting older and weaker. and it is my duty to take care of them.

i had a brief thought about whether i see this as a burden, and it instantly disappeared. my dad sacrificed 32 years of his life to give my sister and me the best. he jumped into a pothole to save my sister back in 08, and i’m sure he would do anything to save me. And he would do that even when we have 0 practical value added to his life (aka when we were little kids). so hell yeah, it’s my turn, dad.

i’m the pillar now :)

i also have many other thoughts:

about dependency

as someone who used to be so strong and proud of his health, this condition is extremely hard on my dad. he would feel embarrassed by the fact that he’s causing inconvenience to people around him. he’d be worried if i’m taking too many days off work, or feel bad if i had to get him something he used to be able to do. this is normal for macho man, and i’m pretty sure i’d feel that way too if i were in his shoes.

it’s hard to learn how to be dependent again once you know what independence tastes like.

this is the transition that most elder folks go through - they have to learn how to be an infant again (without infant energy).

in Vietnamese, we have an idiom: “Trẻ cậy cha, già cậy con” / “When you’re young, you depend on your father. When you’re old, you depend on your children.”

and i think that’s really beautiful. it’s beautiful that when we’re in our most vulnerable stages, we have someone to depend on, someone who will take care of us - whether it’s your family or community. not because you pay for their services, but because of the love you’re willing to give or have given.

to be able to depend on someone, is a gift and privilege.

about unfulfilled dreams

this whole thing also made me regret (kinda) not taking my parents to Russia when they were stronger. now my mom has back pains and my dad has limping feet. but i hope they’ll get stronger and we can find a way to sit through a 10-hour flight.

it made me think about the limited time you have with your parents, and the unfulfilled dreams they have / dreams you had for them. going to russia was one of those dreams, seeing one of my graduations is another. unfulfilled dreams make me feel like i’d die in peace if i got to do one of those for my parents. to proudly say that yeah, they had a good life.

so, try to check those off as early as possible. don’t delay big plans with your parents when they’re healthy. sickness is a black swan event - you can never predict it.

about money

this also made me think about money - more than i wanted to. i thought a lot about how i can provide more for them. how i can make sure they stay in the best hospitals when things like this happens. i feel a rush to make more money.

thankfully, i notice that my dad is happiest at home, with me by his side, watching football and doing nothing else. not on a fancy hospital bed with strangers around him.

spending time with people you love is bigger than anything money can buy.

(not to say that we can’t watch football on a nice hospital bed, just that the bed is not the most important thing)

the most valuable currency

Naval said this perfectly in an interview before, something along these lines:

the most valuable currency is not money, because rich people would use money to buy time. But time is also not the most valuable currency, because a lot of people spend time mindlessly. so the most valuable currency is your attention. it is attention that gives time meaning. and you can choose what to pay attention to - are you paying attention to the conversation you’re in right now, or a wandering thought elsewhere?

so, for the next how many years i have left with my parents, i wanna spend them intentionally. i wanna give them my full attention whenever i’m around. and it doesn’t have to be something fancy like going to Russia. it’s picking up the broom and cleaning the house while talking to them. it’s giving them ineffective back massages even when they said you’re being useless. it’s getting the mechanics to clean their washing machine even when they said “no need”. because (1) they don’t know and (2) they don’t wanna bother you.

is this maturity? Because I’m enjoying this so much - the power transition when i get to decide how to spend my money on things i know are good for my parents, without having to ask for permission. oh, the joy of taking care of your parents is a new unlock :)

ultimately, i wanna make my parents feel loved. that’s probably the only thing they’ll remember.

i think back on my childhood and remember that i was raised with love. so now, i’m giving love back.

i think i still have a lot of love left in me to give :)

some photos from the journey

my dad is recovering positively now (trộm vía). so i hope this letter can be a reminder for someone to show love to their parents.

Stay healthy, everyone!