Beholden to the dead.

So this is my first newsletter here on Substack! Here we go.

Let me preface this by saying it was an extreme blessing to have my work received by the black spiritual community the way it had been over the last 6 years. Now, Akamara Tarot is not a household name amongst black spiritualists by any stretch. Still, I did cultivate a community that, by my estimation, was large and keenly aware of what I was doing. That, in itself, was a feat I never dreamed of being capable of. Hell, they are the reason I didn't hang this shit up a long time ago. However, I considered giving up a time or two — a decision they brought me back from even when I had not publicly expressed it.

Now, I wanted to dig into why I have a bit of a reputation for disappearing acts.

First, I never set out to be the Black Llewellyn Worldwide or US Games. I made a joke, ONE TIME, years ago, about being the Black Doreen Virtue. Singularly, because I made and had many ideas for deck creation, not the part about siphoning money from the spiritual community only to turn around and denounce my work and anyone else who uses it as devil worship—side eye.

Let’s start with the first reason:

I am beholden to my principles. To an annoying fault.

It isn't lost on me how pretentious it may sound to say, "I create for the ancestors and their purposes." *Tucks bangs behind my ear* Believe me, if you knew me personally, I have a strong disdain for spiritual bypassing and virtue-signaling jargon. However, if you knew me personally, you would also know I've gone through hell and high water with these humorless spirits I call 'my folks' and just how militant they can be about 'their purposes'. These tools are theirs y'all. They give me the requirements and I fulfill them in order to create something for the collective black ancestry. I report to them about every change or artistic choice I make. I'm not getting regulated on by them in a ploy to stay ‘relevant’. (Alexa, play 'Regulate by Warren G') Funny story, the first deck for this brand, Akamara, I never intended to offer to the public. I thought the idea they gave me was just something I should create for myself, like other decks I’d made for my own use previously. How selfish that would have been looking back.

But back to my main point, the last time I took some business advice on what I 'need to do for my business,' I ended up with $60,000 in the hole, getting my bank account raided for $300-$800 a day to pay it back. All because I decided to try to heed advice to make this a big business rather than keep it an obligation to spirit that ebbs and flows. The constant unwarranted opinions made me feel foolish for wanting to remain a small fries operation. Like my dream was not big enough to fulfill the potential other’s thought I had. A principle (the small fries operation part) that at the beginning that worked very well, until I started receiving a lot of criticism for not carrying every item I’ve ever made all at once. Well I tried it, hated it, and almost lost everything I had worked for as a result. Contrary to popular belief, fulfilling 1000 orders, alone, was extremely difficult when I design the cards, edit the cards, pack the cards, ship the cards, and do the business-y things (emails with customers and manufacturers, invoices for vendors, accounting, marketing, etc) solo. When I was sobbing, apologizing to these spirits for being a dunce-hat-wearing clown, they dropped every cent I owed in my lap to pay that bold red bill off in one swift, embarrassment-laden payment. As if to say “bet you won’t do that shit again huh?” chuckling as they receded into the shadows. That was a blow I did not easily shake off.

You see how I played myself doing some shit my folks didn't explicitly ask me to do?

Yea. Couldn’t be me— again.

Second Reason:

Money.

Money has never been a bargaining chip for me to stick around if I am not feeling it. Money, currency, and financial wealth are gifts from an entity that takes offerings in the suffering of the living. Somebody or something somewhere died, cried or lied for it. I know that's wild to hear, considering my decks weren't cheap, and we live in a fugue constantly bombarding us with the need to keep purchasing oils, candles, and "work." If my 'following' takes a dip because I'm not pumping out cash-grab products in the long interims between legitimate strokes of divine insight in an attempt to keep the attention of folks who would otherwise leave, then that's how it has to be. It filters out what shouldn’t be there in the first place. That’s why my Instagram has been private for years. Folks who hate-watched, inspiration farmed, or otherwise stuck around for some nefarious reason got what they needed for their next project, felt triumphant at my silence, or simply got bored and left. Aside from that, folks know a cash-grab or non-original product when they see one, especially in this realm.

The funny thing is that my decks, despite how expensive they seemed to be, had razor-thin margins (paper is mad expensive, btw), so when it was all said and done - I made nothing. I would have been okay with that if I had not gone into the aforementioned debt. It wasn't uncommon for me to give them away for free to those who did not and likely would not have the means to afford a $55-$125 deck. Money shouldn't be a barrier to entry - but money, and much of it out of my own pocket, paid for those decks to be birthed. The reason I kept going was about the fact that people told me how much my work resonated with them and aided them in their ancestral communication. That’s the goal. The blessing I have received from refusing to participate in a society that pushes net gains and algorithmic popularity contests so heavily is that my needs are always met, at least generally. If it takes me 2.5 years to create something according to their will, that is 2.5 years that I am not making any moolah, but the bills are still paid - dig? All I gotta do is what they ask, the seldom times that they do. That is a hell of a deal in my book.

When I share this anecdote I am usually met with some argument that I should be charging more, diversifying my income, making more products, doing this, doing that, and when the reality of my goals doesn’t reflect that, people are stunned, indignant even, that I don’t subscribe to a machiavellian “rise and grind” modus operandi. Then the appeals to ethos follow, “but folks were taken care of by the village”. I got a lot to say about that - but it deserves a longer conversation.

And if that isn’t convincing enough:

I’ve seen such biblical-level blowback, on the lives of the long time ‘spiritual’ grifters, in the last year alone that has me thanking my lucky stars I stuck to my principles. Remember that bit about suffering I mentioned before? Laugh now, cry later.

But again, more on that phenomena later. I have a hell of a lot more to say about this topic, but it likely won’t be publicly available. I have a doozy of a theory on that. That one is a religious theory essay for the closed community here on Substack where we can have some candid, and private discussions about exploitation and consequence (and all things spirituality to be perfectly honest) without being imposed upon.

Sidebar: I’m so geeked Substack has a feature for protecting our discussions from the public algorhythm - Glory be!

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Third, but arguably the most important reason:

I was put here to create tools for people in various stages of my and their lives. Each cycle has a different duration. That is the basis of all divinations pertaining to my destiny. I am a diviner. I am a tool maker. New tools are birthed from a need to complete a new task that other tools aren't suited for. Some of those tasks require tools too complex to make in a week, month, or year. Each tool has a purpose.

Akamara and Okana original was my start; it was at a time when our community was getting in the trenches and digging the poison out collectively. When many of us were sitting in the unknown trying to communicate in the dark. We were tired of a lack of representation and having to "make do" with things that didn't quite sit right. Asotele was for the studious and academic bend we all experience when we get into our groove. Those fresh white clothes and when the world behind the veil seemed to open up a little more. Tongues of the Mother was for those Sunday morning refreshments with the old spirits who speak firm but in a gentle tone. The next project is for something new and more complicated. To dig deeper into a path that twists, turns, returns and presses forward on the way to the otherside. Something to really test the limits of a diviner and blows past them. It’s time.

To further prove this to myself, I began on my newest work during a 2.5-year hiatus and asked the community what they collectively wanted to see; almost everyone communicated some aspect of the work I am currently working on. They wanted a new tool for fairly complex tasks. A tool that took me quite a while to make, and still is. Proving to myself that when I am struck with an idea, it's something the collective needs one way or another. It proved that I was still on track, even if this stretch took twice as long.

This is also why I chose to return to a foundational rule of Akamara that I once had: Once something is out of print, it’s gone. Nor do I really market my work in a way to try and captivate everyone. I leave it up to the Ethers to put it in the path of those whose homes it wishes to reside in for as long as my folks say I should. Once the moment has passed, it has passed. We move on. We transform.

Lastly,

I am here for the love of the game.

I love the hustle when it's time to hustle, that is.

Y’all be blessed.