i want to play the sims more than i want to write

and so i have played the sims more than i have written. i want to be pathetic and by that i mean free and by that i mean hedonistic and selfish. i want to crawl into the trunk of the car. jesus take the wheel. when people look at me i feel they do not imbue me with the capacity to be disgusting and evil and so that burden falls solely on me. (i am not an upstanding girl i am just the girl that stood up.) i feel i am a loser. not a girl or a mother or a madonna or a whore. i am a relief. i am neat inside the lines. i am so lowkey they are going to roll ink over my pretty face and print me like lino. i wanna choose wrong and do badly and be arrogant. i want it the best, i want it all.