Agree to Disagree More Often

Conflict often escalates because disagreement feels like rejection, disrespect, or an attempt to control others.

Once both parties know they don’t have to surrender their position, defensiveness usually fades. So, when progress isn’t being made, and different conclusions can coexist, good leaders agree to disagree.

The best leaders do this more often, and earlier in a dispute, than most leaders do.

The moment it appears that the other party is digging in, won’t consider new arguments, or is becoming highly defensive, it may be time for the leader to say, “We should agree to disagree.”

Once the proposal has been put forward and the other party accepts it, the pressure to persuade diminishes, and the conversation has the chance to become more collaborative.

Agreeing to disagree works to de-escalate a dispute because it changes the goal of the conflict. Instead of having to change the mind of the other party, each side focuses on understanding the other without needing to reach the same conclusion.

The result is a discussion that doesn’t require a winner and can proceed toward a deeper understanding of why the parties believe what they do.

Accepting that the other party is entitled to their own point of view creates psychological space that is less combative and more comforting. Ironically, it often softens the position each party holds and makes them more open to accepting a different perspective on the issue in the future.

Agreeing to disagree also has a long-term implication. It teaches people to elevate the relationship above any issue in dispute and suggests the relationship matters more than being right.

The implicit message it carries is powerful: Both parties acknowledge the relationship doesn’t depend on intellectual agreement. This is an essential building block for healthy relationships, especially in the workplace.

Of course, agreeing to disagree works best when the dispute is about something where different views can coexist. Conflicts over values, preferences, politics, interpretations, subjective evaluations, and aesthetic tastes are prime examples. But leaders can’t use this approach when someone’s underlying behavior needs to change.

Funnily enough, disagreements often persist because neither party knows how to stop.

“Agreeing to disagree” provides the honorable exit people need. It allows them to maintain their pride by not giving in, but also encourages them to explore the reasons behind the position others hold.

In that sense, agreeing to disagree is more skill than surrender. A relationship that can hold two different truths is stronger than one that demands a single truth.

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Take additional time with this leadership idea... Ask ALEX to to suggest a few practical ways you might incorporate agreeing to disagree into your leadership routines. Continue this discussion with ALEX here.