Don't throw balls of cheese at other drivers

Alcoholism is frequently exhausting, but lately it’s just pissing me off.

Not in a raging “I want to vaporize a bottle of Jim Beam and destroy the thin sheen around my brain keeping me from throwing stolen balls of deli cheese at other drivers while recreating Space Mountain through downtown” kind of way.

If you wonder, I have not. But we can’t be arrested for thinking things. Not yet.

Of course, anger is one of the great instigators of an addict’s use. Yet my tank of self-destruction fuel is at an all-time low.

Let’s say the smartie therapists are right and the ability to admit to and address one’s addiction puts up a healthy wall between the alcoholic and heaving cheese at strangers.

I’m doing well, “well” being highly objective, meaning anything from remembering to feed and water myself to actually making progress toward a goal. I seem to have successfully parked the ego, usually an issue, one way or the other. It’s still there, but doesn’t seem to be driving recklessly through anyone’s front yard.

I’m also trying to be helpful, which is a balancing act when it’s not clear how much of what kind of help should be offered. No one’s comparing me to Jesus, but I am trying to deal with real life issues face-to-face.

So I’m currently pissed at alcoholism. I’m not currently blaming it for my troubles, but I can’t ignore it either. It’s been a co-author of most of my failures and saying otherwise is just lying.

This aligns with having two close friends going through nightmarish chapters of their addiction battles, while I’m in a relatively benign period I think will hold for a while.

One friend’s problems are legal, the other’s are physical.

The laws of society and physics can be equally unforgiving. Especially when we keep pushing and testing their limits into older age.

The body’s ability to absorb its own physical blows noticeably weakens as we edge toward Social Security. And addicts are more vulnerable than non-addicts because, when using. we are fucking stupid. We devour bad decisions like a 12-year-old inhaling Doritos.

One friend is in physical trouble, which gave me a dramatic refresher course on our inability to fix those not wanting to fix themselves, even for a few days. No judgement - I’ve done the same.

My other friend faces a situation in which he may be stuck for years. The only good news is, while not physically in great shape, he won’t be exposed to the addiction fuel for a while.

As time and addiction keeps attacking, we see lingering damage and wonder if it’s really winnable. I’ve been wondering about my friends for weeks now.

Everything addicts do to counter the addiction is based on the idea it gets better, which gets harder to cling to. Aging slows the recovery, and it’s showing all around my friends.

Meanwhile, I’ve found a great face moisturizer I hope will hold off the eye bags. You can’t underestimate that being an addict’s biggest physical issue, and I’m thrilled to be worried about eye bags.

Between the three of us, we’ve dealt with this frustrating, self-induced punishment for more than 100 years. When anger takes a break, exhaust kicks back in.

But moving forward must be the only option. And a little anger doesn’t hurt if it means you still try.

No one can be constantly fueled by anger without just mentally burning up. It’s like Obi-Wan Kenobi slipped into my 10-year-old brain in 1977 and still sits there somewhere, folding his arms and staring at me.

Be quiet, Obi Von Mopey.

They - and I still don’t know who they are - say don’t go to bed angry, but waking up that way can be like a bucket of icewater, if kept in perspective. At least it gets you going.

The whole idea of long-term addiction is incredibly frustrating, but it’s not something from which an addict can just walk away. I guess we keep pumping positives into the mix and hope it really does get better.

And I will keep steering clear of the deli section.

My daughters have a dad to feed, so please consider paying $8 a month to read these columns. Find more nonsense in Tony’s book “Lying Drunk,” available from Barnes & Noble at https://bit.ly/46xoaJJ or Amazon at https://a.co/d/cYNCUPp).