what no one told me about growing up

Most flowers, when they grow, they become brighter, stronger, even more colorful. If they could feel, I’d say they become happier. And for some reason, I thought growing up would be something like that for me too. That is why, last night, when my mind became full of those thoughts again, I couldn’t understand why.

There’s something in my mind. I don’t really know how to call it. I just know someone put it there as a cruel joke and forgot to take it back. But the joke’s not funny anymore, and it still hurts.

They forgot about it, but I still remember how it felt like to hide from the kids in the park.

They forgot about it, but i still carry those words in my heart. And sometimes, they become too heavy.

But I’m twenty one now, I thought. I have friends, now. I’m studying something I’m supposed to like. I’m living in a new city. My life is going pretty well, I guess. So, why are there still some nights when I feel like nothing has change?

Growing up was supposed to fix this.

Time was supposed to take it away.

Distance was supposed to make me forget.

Sometimes I feel like I can only remember the worst of it. That’s why I’ve never been able to understand how can I miss it. But I do. I guess it felt good to know that, no matter how bad life was at the moment, I could always dream about my future. I was so in love with it. I was supposed to have done so much by now. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this anymore. But how am I supposed to forget about it so fast if that’s all I’ve known for so long?

And the thing is, if I had the chance to do it, if I could simply chose to forget all of it, I wouldn’t. Not because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but because that would mean pretending it didn’t happen. And then I would have wasted my teenage years for nothing. Maybe that’s why I still carry that feeling with me.