I still have a crush

I know what I told y’all last time.

And I think that was me upset with him and trying to lie to myself that the crush had gone.

But as with most lies, the truth always comes out.

Same with my crush that I think has gone until I see him at a function and he leaves his friends to say hi to me.

Until he texts me after each one to tell me how gorgeous I looked.

Until he tells me that he knows he’s a terrible texter and he’s genuinely trying but he knows that his ‘trying’ is not enough for me and he’ll try harder.

His legit words were: I text you more than I usually do but I know my more isn’t enough for you and I’ll try to do better.

And actually, does try harder (at one function when we saw, he legit gave me calling privileges despite not liking them)

I know. I know. Focus on yourself, leave men. You don’t have to tell me with love, R but my chest has another plan in motion.

Which is weird because me personally, I don’t want commitment so I’m out here asking my heart what it wants out of this.

Heart has no answer.

Heart legit just let me know today that it was more than a friend crush. And heart did it with a painful imagery.

The imagery is painful because I genuinely don’t see it happening.

Like one-in-fifty chance. But my heart likes those odds.

Heart likes trouble. And the chase.

Heart is weird.

Let me even report heart to y’all and tell you what she showed me.

I was on my own, watching tiktok, then one of his videos popped up and next thing I saw myself straddling him, my hands playing with his hair as we took a break from making out.

Heart. Chai, you’re evil.

So yeah. I don’t know what I want.

Also, one embarrassing thing I did (amongst other embarrassing stuff I did), I befriended some of his friends.

Writing this has me embarrassed, but guys, I now know his brother because he was with the other two guys I befriended. I think one of them has a thing for me but nope, I have where my eye is.

And not to be reaching but the last time we saw, I was with a guy friend, and he came, hugged me, and like, dabbed up my friend.

Not to be delulu or anything but that was like a territorial thing, right?

Cause I had a guy in my life that used to do that. We liked each other and he would come, hug me, dab up the guy I was talking to, squeeze my hand and leave.

So, this is the same thing, right???

No, I’m definitely crazy.

But don’t worry, I hold it together when I see him. My eye doesn’t follow him around the room as much as it used to.

I have small dignity.

I’m chill.

I’m cool.

He still does inspire me though. That hasn’t changed.

Also, I started working with a magazine, hehe. #puttingmyselfoutthere

Fareedah Olawoyin, Momentswithme, noneatallo, Muhsinah🌸🎀 the update no one asked for

Leave a comment

Share