I definitely still have a crush

I swear y’all must be tired of me once you see my newsletters come in because it’s either music review or update on my crush. (well, I don’t know how tired y’all must be since you subscribed and are still here so…*shrugs*)

I promise there’ll be more to me soon, but this is the drama in my life right now, and most of my creative juices are spent writing music reviews.

‘Most’ because guess what my brain did last night? It made up a scenario. And this wasn’t a flash either.

This was a full haha-about-to-go-to-bed-so-let’s-daydream scenario. Meaning, I had a hand in it. Damn, I find myself more cringe each day.

I spoke to someone about the crush and they told me to tell him and ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT. I will be doing no such thing. I am content tracking him across a room, and gisting when we stop to talk.

And daydreaming, which I came to tell y’all about so I don’t carry this burden of embarrassment alone. (this is creativity I should be using for Song Scenarios)

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So, it starts.

We’re at a party. I’ve been tracking him for a while. I’m a bit frustrated cause I have this crush.

So, I drink. And drink. And drink.

Enough to lose all inhibitions.

And in my drunken state, I walk up to him and ask if we can talk for a bit outside.

(from here on out any bracket you see is an author’s note. It means I’m about to add scriptwriter and directorial context)

(now before we continue, one, I don’t make it a habit to get extremely drunk, i need to be able to think. two, I’m about to say he was tipsy when in fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen this man slightly intoxicated before. and three, even me, the alpha and omega of this play doesn’t believe I can pull this man somewhere and he’ll follow, he might but I don’t believe it, which is why the timing of this play is 4:30am. dwindling time)

He agrees, the party is dying down. It’s a little bit more calm. We end up sitting in a secluded corner where no one is really perceiving us.

(to my knowledge no one perceives me on a regular night out, but my crush works in entertainment, he is the party, you don’t go three steps without him meeting someone he knows. it’s both admirable and annoying cause then it’s hard to get him alone. hence the secluded corner)

Me:

Him:

(this silence is because I’ve forgotten what my brain cooked up as the beginning of this conversation. let me try and remember. oh I remember. I started monologuing in my daydream. which checks out for drunk me to be fair. I go from ma-yaps-a-lot to yappertron 3000)

Me: I have a crush on you

Him:

Me: I don’t know. I never wanted to tell you because you don’t seem like you want romance in your life. Quite frankly I can’t imagine you as a boyfriend, but you like Faouzia and Olivia Rodrigo so I know there’s a side to you I don’t know. And I want to know it. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I’m just tired of holding it in.

(pause, yes, he actually likes those artists. truly truly shocked me. also if he ever reads these newsletters I might actually bury myself alive. anyway back to my monologue)

Me: I don’t even know what I want from this. I don’t think I want to be your girlfriend. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend right now, but I want to be important to you. Like priority. Like you come to me when you’re burdened and not only when you’re happy. But I feel like despite that, if you get a girlfriend, I might get hurt. Will I actually get hurt though? That’s a whole other pipeline I don’t want to go down right now.

Him: *intrigued and earnest look*

(around this time was when cognitive me realized how embarrassing it was for me having this daydream and decided to report the heart and inner delulu to y’all, then allowed them continue the daydream)

Me: But like I want to be there. Have you ever had these moments where you see someone on the internet and immediately want to be friends with them?

Him: *nods*

Me: it doesn’t really happen with everyone, I don’t want to be friends with everyone on my timeline but they’re some certain people that once I see their video, I want to be friends with. It happened with [redacted], and [redacted] and with you too. That video you made for [redacted]. But as with most of them I wish on a star and move on. Like even if I met them, what would I say? Hi? Everyone says hi. I always have trouble meeting people I have admired cause I feel like the eagerness rolls off me. Remember when we had that conversation on being shy inside but confident outside…

Him: yeah, i remember

(redacted so y’all don’t have hints. also now that I write this monologue it seems long but I swear it didn’t feel this long in my daydream. in my daydream it was just an earnest expression of self also he gets to talk)

Me: but you came to me first. I doubt I would have recognized you by myself since I saw one video but you came and introduced yourself and I remembered your name and we had a conversation and I’ve been trying my best to get to this place of close friends and its hard and now this weird thing grew and I don’t even know what I want to do with it and this was a bad idea, I shouldn’t have called you out here.

Him: *chuckles* What?

Me: like, I’ve wasted your time and you probably don’t feel the same and this is humiliating and you can go back inside to your friends now. *head in hands*

Him: Wouldn’t you like to hear what I have to say?

Me: not particularly

Him: so you get to talk and I don’t get to talk?

Me:

Him: what was one thing you hoped to get from this conversation? Be honest.

Me: I don’t know. I want to kiss you. I’ve thought about it, dreamt ab—

Him: *kisses me*

Then, somehow, I’m on his lap and we’re making out. I stop to tell him that I’ve thought of us in that position before and he shuts me up with another kiss.

Around this time, my heart couldn’t take it. We had reached our end goal.

Did we get closure. No.

Do we know if he likes me back? No.

Heart may be delusional, but her daydreams stick very very close to reality. Since we don’t think he could like us, we’re taking the next best thing.

A heart pouring and a makeout sesh.

Ball is in his court after heart pouring and we genuinely don’t know how he could possibly play it. Him kissing me is due to tipsiness, he could kiss and still not feel anything for me. I dunno. Heart dunno.

What I do know is that I should never be very intoxicated near that boy so my thoughts stay in my brain and not on my lips. (everyone that has had a crush has definitely thought of telling the person about it.)

Anyway, I have cringe to cringe and reviews to write.

Toodaloo.

This is me realizing that earlier this year, I wanted to do a date series. Universe said, “no, take a crush series instead”

Release Me. I’m clearly running madddd!!!!!!!!

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