The choice we make

I knew something was different the moment I opened the door.

Olamide had texted an hour earlier to say he was coming over, which wasn’t unusual on its own, but there was something about the way he’d typed it. ‘‘ Hi babe, I’m coming over, i have something to tell you’’

I spent that hour pretending to fold laundry I had already folded twice.

When I opened the door, he was standing there in the Grey shirt I liked, and his top button was undone, which meant he’d come straight from the office without stopping to compose himself. His face gave nothing away or maybe they did in a certain way.

“Hey love,” he said trying not to smile too early.

“Hey my man. You look like you’re about to tell me you bought a new car.”

“Better than a car.” He stepped in, dropped his bag and turned to face me properly, both hands finding my waist. “I got it, Simi.”

For a second I didn’t understand then I did, and my whole body reacted before my brain caught up.

“You got the Junior Partner promotion?”

“I got it.”

I screamed. I actually screamed. I think I would be embarrassed about it later, and I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him, he hugged me back so tight like there was more he wanted to confide in me.

“Olamide. Oh my God. Olamide!” I pulled back to look at his face, holding it in both hands like I needed to confirm it was real. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear this? Do you know how many times I’ve prayed about this specific thing?”

“I know.” His hands were still on my waist, and his thumbs were moving slightly, absentmindedly like he was content. He was happy but at the same time, I think sad? or hesistating to tell me something.

I was just looking up at him lost in love, being proud of what this man had achieved. This was a man who had given alot to that firm. Who had been there when it was three lawyers and a rented office and a founder with more ambition than clients. Who had stayed up nights building briefs for cases that weren’t even his to build, because he wanted to understand the whole machine, not just his part of it. I had watched him carry the weight of wanting this so quietly that most people probably assumed he didn’t care that much. I knew better. I had seen what it cost him to act unbothered.

“We have to celebrate. Gosh babe, you could have told me earlier. I could have gotten us something to something to celebrate this, I need to-” as i reached out to my phone

“Simi.”

Something in the way he said my name made me stop. He wasn’t smiling anymore or rather, the smile was still there, but it had gone somewhere far away.

“What?” I said. “What’s wrong?”

He exhaled slowly, and guided me to sit down on the couch beside him, still holding one of my hands between both of his.

“There’s a part of this I haven’t told you yet.”

I felt my stomach do something complicated. “Okay.”

‘‘Babe, for this role, I’d have to relocate to Abuja, where the co-headquarter is at. It would mean me relocating” He hesitated

I sat with that for a second, turning it over, trying to understand its shape. “Okayy,” I said again, slower this time. “Soo, for how long? Is it temporary, is it-”

“It’s not temporary. at least for now, it isn’t”

“Oh.” The word came out smaller than I meant it to.

“um, I’ve known for about two weeks,” he said. “They told me during the promotion discussions. I wanted to think it through properly before I said anything to you.’’ yeah, he already decided. I wouldnt lie, a part of me was hurt. I know it wasnt my decision to make but damn, him not telling me before deciding hurt me. because for two weeks, he had been sitting with this enormous thing for two weeks, turning it over privately, while I had no idea. That was so completely unlike him it almost made me want to laugh, except nothing about this felt like laughing anymore.

“So what did you decide?” I asked, even though some part of me had already started bracing for the answer, because I knew him, I knew the particular stillness that came over him when a decision had already been made and there was no longer any use pretending otherwise.

“I decided not to take it.”

I blinked. “What?”

“I turned it down, Simi. I told them yesterday.” God, I felt betrayed.

For a moment I just stared at him.

“You turned the promotion down?”

“Yes.” I got so emotioal. I wanted to cry. I was feeling a rush of different emotions of hurt, betrayal, guilt, even my eyes not get teary. He noticed. I didn’t even know what to say.

‘‘Babe’’ he reached out to me “I’m sorry okay but I didn’t make this decision quickly, and I didn’t make it carelessly.”

“why would you make it at all?” I stood up, because sitting suddenly felt impossible, like my body needed to do something with all the feeling that had nowhere to go. “I don’t want to make this about me really. Yes, I know it’s not my decision to make but I feel hurt you didn’t let me know before deciding, you know’’ He looked worried looking through my face, i was trying so much not to break down.

‘‘Babe’’ he called to me

‘‘God, I feel like I’m overreacting right now. Why… Why would you give up something you’ve wanted for years?” I looked at him demanding answers with my heart racing.

He looked at me deciding to answer or not. I could tell he’s worried abiut my reaction and wanted to avoid this “Because I don’t want to build a life somewhere you’re not in it.”

I should have felt something soften in me when he said that. Some part of me did but another part was already spiraling somewhere else entirely, somewhere I wasn’t proud of.

“I’m not doing it like it’s some kind of obligation towards you. I’m doing it because… babe’’ he paused. he breath in and out

‘‘ Simi, it’s what I want. I sat with it and every single time I got to the end of it, the version where I have the title and don’t have you felt like the wrong version.” Not like, we wouldnt see each other anymore when he relocates. God, I’ve never heard Olamide sound so selfish like he did or maybe I was the selfish one. He sounded so firm with his decision, like not telling me was delibrately because he knew I was going to force him to take it regardless. Those statement hurt me. His decision was because he wanted me in the picture but made the decision without me in the picture. I was feeling different things at same time.

I was wrapping my head for what to say.

“So what, you decide to sacrifice yourself for us? You throw away your time of hardwork like it’s nothing?”

“I’m notsacrificing myself. I’m choosing…” I didn’t wait for him to finish

“I think you’re being selfish.”

The words were out before I understood what I was saying. I heard them land in the room, heavy and wrong, and I saw something move across his face, something worse than anger. A kind of stunned stillness, like I had reached into his chest and taken something out of it.

“I…” I started, already hearing how badly that had come out, already wanting to grab the sentence back out of the air. “Olamide, I didn’t …”

“Selfish.” He repeated the word slowly, like he was testing whether it could possibly be true. “You think I’m being selfish.”

“That’s not what I meant, I…”

‘‘Simi, I..’’ he was reaching for what to say, carefully wanting to say something.

‘‘Babe’’ I called to him reaching for his hands, wanting some physical proof that I hadn’t broken something and that I was sorry. He pulled back gently. I felt the ground sinking when he did that. That hurt more than if he had shouted.

“I’m sorry,” I said again, and this time my voice actually broke. “I didn’t mean you were a selfish person. I don’t think that. I don’t think that at all.”

He didn’t answer right away. He looked at the floor, then at the window, anywhere but at me, and I watched him breathe in slowly.

“I need to go,” he said finally.

“Why? Olamide” My voice broke.

“I’m not angry at you, Simi” he looked at me directly, and I could tell he was hurt.“I just need a little time to sit with this on my own. That’s all it is.” he sighed and he leaned down and pressed a slow, gentle kiss to my forehead. It wasn’t a grand gesture. It felt almost involuntary, like his body wouldn’t let him leave without doing it, even while the rest of him was clearly still reeling.

Then he was gone, and I stood in my living room alone, replaying the word “selfish” over and over.

The next two days felt so long.

I picked up my phone more times than I could count to text him but I couldnt. I considered calling him outright at least four separate times and each time I put the phone down before it could ring.

I went to work, I answered emails. I sat in a meeting about a client onboarding process and heard maybe a third of what was said, because the rest of my brain was still standing in my living room watching him leave.

I kept thinking about what I’d actually meant, underneath the word I’d used. I hadn’t meant that he was selfish as a person. What I meant, I think, was something closer to fear. How can you make a decision this big for me when I don’t even know if I could do the same for you? I didn’t want to be the reason he lost something he had worked for his entire adult life. I didn’t want to wake up one day and become the explanation for his one regret. That statement was a reflection of how I felt myself was.

On the second day, a little after noon, my phone buzzed at my desk. it was Olamide

‘‘Hi babe, Are you free to step outside for a minute?’’

I stared at the message for a full ten seconds before it actually registered. He was here? I hadn’t heard from him in almost two days and now he was just outside? I went outside and I saw him standing near the entrance, and the first thing I noticed was how tired he looked. Not just sleepy-tired, he looked depleted. There were shadows under his eyes that hadn’t been there two days ago, and his shirt, had the slightly rumpled look of someone who had put it on without much attention. He looked like someone who had been carrying something heavy and hadn’t set it down once.

“Hey, babe,” he said tiredly.

“Hey,” I answered quietly.

We stood there for a second in an awkwardness that exists between two people who love each other and are also both exhausted and unsure how to start.

“I’m sorry for showing up like this,” he started. “During work hours, I know you’re probably in the middle of…”

“I’m sorry I called you selfish, Mide.”

It came out of me before he could even finish his sentence, like I’d been holding it for two days waiting for the smallest opening. My eyes were already stinging.

He looked at me for a long moment.

“I know you’re upset with me,” I continued, and my voice started to shake in a way I couldn’t control. “ I’m sorry, I…’’

He pulled me into a hug before I could finish.

feeling his arms around me, whatever I had been holding together for two days came apart completely. I cried into his shoulder, he just held on with one hand moving slowly over my back.

“I hate when we’re like this,” I said against his shirt, “It stresses you’’

“It stresses you more than it stresses me,” he said quietly, near my ear. “I know that and I hate seeing you like this. I hate the thought of seeing you this way. I missed you so much”

‘‘I missed you too’’ I told him.

He pulled back after a moment, just enough to look at me, and used his thumbs to wipe under my eyes, carefully.

“Can we talk properly in the car?” he said.

I nodded, and he took my hand, and we walked to where he’d parked.

Once we were inside, there was a brief silence.

“Babe ” I started.

“Babe ” he said at the exact same time.

We both stopped. For the first time in two days, something like a smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, and I felt my own face do something similar despite everything.

“You go first,” I said.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he began. “The whole two days. I couldn’t really think about anything else.”

“Olamide, I really didn’t mean-”

“I know.” He reached over and rested his hand lightly over mine, just for a second, an assurance that I hadn’t done anything wrong by speaking. “If anyone said that to me, I could careless but babe, it hurt hearing that from you but I thought about again carefully, you weren’t entirely wrong.’’

I stared at him. “What?”

“I didn’t turn down that promotion purely out of some sacrifice for you. I turned it down because I didn’t want to be away from you. I couldn’t picture a version of my life there that felt like something I actually wanted. That’s not entirely selfless, Simi. That’s me making a decision based on what I need, what I want for myself, which is you and I didn’t care enough to know, if the person I wanted, wanted that too. It just happens that what I want is you in my everyday life. So, yes. In a sense, it was selfish of me and I’m sorry babe. I’m sorry, I didn’t talk to you about it before deciding when we are it together, that was also selfish of me and I’m aware that hurt you. I’m sorry.” he caressed my hands. I somewhat felt at peace.

“hmm. I think I was scared. Watching you make a decision that big, for me, made me start asking myself something I didn’t want to be asking.”

“What?”

I took a breath. “Whether I could do the same, if roles were reversed. If it were me who had to choose between something I’d worked hard for and you.” My voice wavered. “I don’t know the answer, Olamide and not knowing terrified me. It made me feel like I didn’t deserve what you were doing. Like I was taking something from you that I couldn’t even promise I’d give back if the situation were flipped. Calling you selfish..it wasn’t really about you or maybe particially you, since you didnt inform me, so we could decide together.’’ We both chuckled. The tension was eased a bit.

‘‘For real though, It was about me being scared of not measuring up to what you were doing. I said the ugliest word I could find because I didn’t know how to say the actual thing, which is, I don’t want to be the reason you lose something this important. I don’t want you to wake up in five years and resent me for it.”

‘‘Babe’’ He reached over to my face with his hands

“You should never have to measure your love against a decision I made,” he said. “This wasn’t a transaction, Simi. I didn’t turn down that role so you’d owe me something equal in return. What no, never.’’

“But what if -”

“Babe, I love you okay and It’s okay that you don’t know what you’d do in the reverse situation. It’s okay that it scares you. I don’t think anyone really knows what they’d do until they’re standing in it. You dont have to chose me over yourself. I wouldnt want you to do that. I don’t need you to prove anything to me. All I want is for us to keep being honest with each other, the way we’re being right now, hm.’’ He assured me

I let out a breath I felt like I’d been holding for two days. “I still worry about your promotion, though.”

“I know.” He brought his hands from my face to my hands squeezing them gently. “Let me just tell you what happened at the firm, maybe it’ll ease your mind a little.”

“Okay.”

“The partners weren’t happy I turned it down. I won’t pretend otherwise. They were disappointed, and a couple of them told me so directly. They had watch me grow at that firm since it was very few of us and a low budget photocopier that ruined every of our documents.’’ I chuckled. He smiled seeing my face lighten up

‘‘So, they expected me to take it.” He paused, choosing his next words carefully, the way he always did. “ I sat down with two of my seniors yesterday, and it wasn’t the conversation I was bracing for. They still want me there. I’m still getting the bonus structure they’d already approved. I’m still being put on some of the accounts they were going to hand me as a Junior Partner, just without the title attached for now. It doesn’t feel like they’re holding this against me.”

“So you didn’t lose everything.”

“Not everything, no. I lost a title, for now. That part is real, but I don’t think I’ve lost my place there. I’ve given that firm years, Simi, and I have to believe that counts for something beyond one decision. I think there’ll be another chance, eventually. I could be wrong but that’s what it feels like, honestly but do i regret my decision, NEVER” he emphased firmly.

I studied his face for a long moment, looking for any trace of him saying that just to comfort me. I didn’t find one.

“Okay,” I said finally, quietly. He smiled

“Okay,” he said and I saw his shoulders feel relaxed, like he’d been holding tension there for two days that had only just now let go.

We sat in the car a little longer, not saying much, just letting us be. At some point he reached over and flicked my earring, the way he sometimes did when he wanted to make me laugh without actually saying anything funny, and it worked. I laughed despite everything, a real laugh, the first one in two days.

“There she is,” he said, and the way he looked at me then, I could tell we were going to be alright.

He drove us to get lunch, somewhere near my office that we always joked was better than half the restaurants we’d paid actual money at and before he dropped me back at work. We both got down from the car. he turned to me with a look I recognized, the one he got right before he was about to ask something he already knew the answer to.

“ Can i take you out for dinner this weekend? he asked.

“Yes,” I agreed smiling. he smiled, pecking me on my cheeks before gently pulling me in for a tight hug.

I stayed in his arms for a few seconds longer than I normally would have.

“God, I missed you a lot, babe,” he said, still hugging me in his raspy voice.

“I missed you too, Mide,” I told him. I missed him a whole lottttt.

When he finally pulled away, he looked at me and smiled, and I felt more at peace.

“Come here,” he said, pulling me back for another quick hug.

I laughed against his chest. “Babeeee.”

“I know. I just missed you alot”

‘‘I’m glad I came here to see you’’ he added

I looked at him for a moment.

“I am glad you came too.” he looked down at me smiling and gave me circles of kisses on my forehead, cheeks, ‘‘Babeee’’ I chuckled, nose and down to my lips. we gently recoiled after a while. we both felt relaxed and at peace with each other.

“I’d come pick you after work.” I nodded

“Okay. See you later.” I said

‘‘See you’’

I walked back into the building and glanced over my shoulder just before the doors closed. He was still standing beside his car, watching me.

He lifted his hand in a small wave.

I waved back. Then the doors closed between us.

Being loved by someone like Olamide did not always feel easy. Sometimes it meant being trusted with the weight of his choices too, and maybe my job was not to make those choices for him or to prove that I would make exactly the same ones. It was simply to be honest enough to tell him if there was anything about the choices we made that scared me and to trust that if the day came when our lives asked us to make another difficult decision, we would sit down and make it together.