Hi, can we be friends?

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately, like, a lot. The kind of thinking where you're washing plates and suddenly you're just standing there with soapy hands, staring at nothing, wondering why making friends as an adult feels like trying to solve a puzzle in the dark.

Friendship used to be simple. Nobody needed three business days to respond to a text but now it's complicated.

I cherish friendship deeply, maybe too deeply, if that's even possible. I think about the people I want in my life the way some people curate playlists. I notice when someone laughs at the same ridiculous things I do, or when a conversation doesn't feel like work and when I feel that spark of "oh, we could actually be friends," my brain does this embarrassing thing where it gets excited. Like genuinely, pathetically excited

Now it's confusing because what do you even do with that feeling now?

You can't just ask someone to be your friend. Well, you can, but it feels hectic or they might be thinking, “is she okay in the head?”😂

Anddd, the mental thing of who texts first and how long you should wait before double texting, omo is annoying. It's exhausting, ah and painful, honestly but the truth is, I want deep friendships. I want friends I can call when something amazing happens, but also when nothing happens without feeling weird about existing. I want the kind of friendships where you can sit in comfortable or uncomfortable silence and it's still safe.

I want friendships with people where I can grow, where we can gossip, yes, I said it and gist about everything and nothing. Where we can call each other numerous times in a day, which I know can get exhausting, lol, but honestly? Who cares. Who cares if we're long distance friends? People in relationships do long distance, so why not usssssss?

But wanting that and finding that are two very different things.

Also, At what point do we even get to call someone our friend? Because I do not and I mean DO NOT want to call someone who's supposed to be an acquaintance, my friend. There's a difference, you know? And I need to know where that line is and not cross it.

They also don't tell you it takes a lot to build friendship, a whole lot!. It takes time, efforts, prayers (yes, prayers!), patience, oh my goodness, the patience.

You're basically investing all these hoping your energies will match and hoping life won't get in the way.

I also find this funny because some people seem lucky with the gift of good friends, not the ones making you regret knowing them. Like, is there a prayer point I missed or something? Did everyone else attend a special prayer session that I somehow skipped?

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else got a manual I didn't get. Like maybe there was a handbook distributed that explained how to maintain friendships when everyone's busy, tired, in different cities, in different life stages, or just generally overwhelmed by being alive because I definitely missed it

The really confusing part is sometimes you find someone who gets you, and you think "this is it, this is the friendship," and then life happens.

And yet despite all of the confusion, the complications, the time and effort and prayers it takes, the quiet heartbreak of connections that almost were, I still believe in it, I still want it, I still light up when someone remembers something I said three weeks ago, or sends me a meme that's so specific to our inside jokes that it wouldn't make sense to anyone else.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, friendship feels crazy these days. The idea of it can be exhausting. It's confusing and sometimes it hurts and I don't have it figured out but I'm still here, still trying, still hoping that somewhere out there, someone else is also standing at their sink with soapy hands, wondering the same thing I am.

So... hi. Can we be friends?

(No pressure, take your time responding. I'll just be over here, overthinking this for the next three to five business days.)