BLOG: Faking Fine and Learning to Fly

Hey friends! I told ya I was gonna start writing here more. I hope you dig the added content. I want to make this a great place to come to as you scroll and escape the wicked world around you. First, PLUG TIME…

My last comic con is this coming weekend! Lansing, MI CapCityComicCon. Be there!

And here is a map to where I will be on the show floor. Just follow the red line to where the celebrities are. OF COURSE I’m right in the celebrity area. They know! So now you can easily find me!

I will have 11x17 prints, sketch cards, Pleasant Life comics - All $5 each or 5/$20. Graphic Novels are $10. Original art is 1/2 off marked price. I’m blowing it all out. Come get some! (I will be taking NO commissions at the show, thank you.)

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Besides being a writer and an artist, I am an actor. And a goddamn good one. I should have two or three Oscars by now because I am really good at acting like things are fine. Most of the time I just wander around on autopilot and when people try the small talk, “Hey! How are you?” All they want to hear is “Good.” “Fine. How are you.” “Good.” etc. For a small time I tried an experiment where if someone said, “How are you?” I’d go completely left field and say something like, “Well, I just realized I am in this existential vacuum possibly related to my father, who I really don’t think I connected to in any sort of adult way. So I try to navigate the depression and I overeat and drink booze to cover the pain. How are you?” Their face would go blank. It was fun to mess with people for a while but now I just go to my two go-to answers: “I’m here. That’s all I got.” or as I stole from George Carlin, “I’m not unwell, thank you.” (Which pisses them off because they gotta figure it out for themselves.) I shortened it from the long jokey line because a couple times people really WANTED to talk to me about it. I appreciated it, but no way. I am unable to do that in person. I’d rather write it. I trip over my words and I prefer to think before I speak. Oftentimes I don’t and it potentially gives me yet another thing to plague my brain about late at night. “WHY DID I SAY THAT STUPID THING THAT ONE TIME YEARS AGO??” Yeah, I torture myself. My mouth can go faster than my brain. So trust me, If I ever said something dumb to you, it was because of that and no serious malice was ever intended. I don’t have it in me to do that.

As much as I don’t feel seen at times, I’d rather not be seen and not be forced to have meaningless small talk. I get really weirded out and awkward at it. It feels kind of forced and you never know where it is going. You just happened to walk into the range where either you or someone else HAD to say something or you’d be rude. I just nod to people, not wanting to bother anyone more than that. Larry David refers to it as a “Stop and chat.” I’d rather set myself on fire than do that.

But it’s true that I have been just moping around on autopilot for many years now. Perhaps all my life. I feel like I am stitched together with old thread and it is ripping apart. That is my baseline. It’s the way I am and I’ve come to accept it.

And when I do have something going on and people know it, that’s when I really hate the small talk. Like recently I had to miss some work because my brother died. When I came back people would say “Sorry to hear about your brother,” which is kind, but I just felt like running. I didn’t want to deal with it, not with them anyway. Maybe a fear of breaking down or just fatigue from having to explain it again. I would just nod and say “thank you.” Always polite, I try to be because I know people mean well. They are being kind. I’m just not used to it.

You ever get those questions like, “If you could relive one day of your life, the most happy perfect day you ever had, what would you pick?” I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe sometime I was with someone who I was in love with and we had our whole future together ahead of us. And we were cuddling and I felt exposed but very safe in that moment. That happened a few times. Hard to think about because they are not there anymore.

I can only really remember like five times where I was genuinely happy. Once was when I saw my kids born. Another was at my oldest son’s High School graduation. Once when I felt super connected to a woman who I gave my heart to (she’s gone now. So it goes). And believe it or not, my most recent one involved food. I tried the roast sirloin of beef with gravy at Fleetwood Diner here in Lansing and it tasted EXACTLY like the one I used to eat all the time at Lil’ Chef in Mt. Pleasant. No joke. It was like time travel because Lil’ Chef is no more and now my tastebuds were remembering it. The person I was with that day snapped this picture of me:

(And you can tell this was a while ago because I had more hair back then. SIGH)

They snapped the photo because they never see me like that. Honestly, I don’t like to have my picture taken. Sometimes I will pose with a fan at a show and I certainly don’t mind that, so ask away if you ever meet me and want a pic for whatever reason. Make me feel like I am somebody for a couple seconds! The world revolves around selfies and showing the world where you are and what you are doing, I get it. But taking a picture on my own, I don’t like it. Oftentimes I will just always end up taking a silly photo, thinking my silly personality will outshine any faults (Perceived by me or indeed real) that I might have.

And my kids inherited that trait too, as you can see in this outtake from a nice pic we all took years ago. (They are all taller than me now)

As of late, I try to take pics of myself on my own. This is in effort to try to love myself, and whatever that thing is that stares back at me in the mirror. Out of say 20 pictures, I will only like one, but not really post it. I don’t fear judgement, I just don’t feel like it’s worth it to add to the noise of the world. There are plenty of other things of beauty in the world to look at, I don’t need (or desire) the attention. That is one of the reasons why I need to back off from the world from time to time.

My main problem in life is that I hold myself back. I think I’m either not worthy of a thing or I feel guilty for getting the thing. I keep quiet. I stay hidden in the back. I don’t want my name in lights. The only time I will step out as a leader is just to get something done quickly in an awkward group… cause if I don’t, that would lead to being stuck with them longer. I just want it done so I can move on (and away as quickly as I can). RUSH Drummer Neil Peart was kind of like this. He didn’t like connecting with strangers at all, or being recognized. He was notorious for after the last drum beat hit on a show, he would quick wave goodbye and then RUN to his motorcycle to get the hell out of there before anyone could stop him. He wouldn’t do the meet and greets, nor did he like to do interviews. I’m kinda like that. But I give a lot of myself to people who like my work. I am always available for them cause they plunk down their hard earned to take a piece of me home. OR Something I made resonated with them in some way. It’s a privilege the creator gets to enjoy. I’m honored and flattered by that, so I do not mind it at all. Those aren’t strangers to me. They are family.

Recently, I was invited to my 30th High School reunion. (30th???!?!?!!? HOLY FUCK!) I was going to go but I chickened out at the last minute. I didn’t want to go, being way fatter than I was in high school, see people I barely remember who likely are all more successful and happier than I ended up being. I had a good excuse with everything currently going on in my life, so I used it and cancelled going. I ended up feeling really bad that I didn’t go. I doubt anyone really remembers me anyway. What would I tell them? I’m a marginally successful artist and writer who still lives paycheck to paycheck. I got no house, a shitty car, lots of debt, three kids in broken homes, divorced, etc etc etc. When I want to beat myself up, I can find a thousand things to say to give evidence that those things are so.

At the day job, I get there and immediately put my headphones on and start working. I just want to get it done asap. I don’t really hang and talk much until I at least get a good way into it. A couple hours later, day shift leaves and then I am alone in the office for about six hours. I love that and I hate that, for all sorts of various reasons. If I am not careful, my mind can get on my mind and I could spiral. So I bring plenty of distracting podcasts and talking audio, any other voice but mine. But sometimes I know I cannot outrun it so I bring my journal to write it out and get it out.

Basically, I am navigating. It’s all I can do. I know these are not admirable traits. I hold myself back. It’s not a great way to be but I feel like it leads to a lot less disappointment.

I’d love to break free and not give a fuck. I’d love to be a more angry, loud and driven person who stands up for themselves and not a sappy people pleaser like I am now. Honestly, the older I get, the easier its becoming for me. I’m middle age and therefore the traps of having to look “pretty and successful” are going away because no body cares about my old ass. Aging has become freedom (along with a side order of baldness, the inability to handle dairy comfortably and having constant knee pain). I find that I prefer my solitude and single life. So when anything or anyone threatens that, I get very upset. It’s only now at this advanced stage in my life that I actually DEAL with my emotions. I have a hard time identifying them, I just know that I feel something, unsure why. So I work hard to chase it down and look at the reasons from all angles. Then it becomes simple math. I have to know WHY a thing is the way it is. Sometimes there is no logical explanation. It just is.

All this is one long way of me over explaining that I am aware of my faults. I am aware how awkward I am. I am now aware of what I feel, how and why. And I am becoming increasingly comfortable with it. I don’t mind silencing myself in the loud world of constant noise. I am most comfortable hanging back and just enjoying life as I want it to be. I will step away from what is expected and go into my hobbit hole to work. I got books, paintings, music and comics I want to do. Those things truly make me “happy.” Or as happy as my baseline can be. Interrupt those things and reach your hand into my head or my pocket, you will pull back six inches of bloody stump. But I have gratitude. It’s becoming less “I have to” but more that “I get to.” And that is exactly where I need to be. I need to continue to validate myself in all the ways I can and not look for outside reasons.

The more I see the vile wickedness of the world, the less I am interested in participating in it. Well, not in the ways everyone would want me to. I’m over here doing my thing and I am chugging along just fine. Don’t ever feel sad for me or think I look sad. I am not. I’m finally learning how to be in touch with the little baby me inside and coming to terms with my creativity, my faults, my strengths and my past. I’m still have much work to do as I wrestle and choke down what has held me back for so long. I’m whittling a key out of stone to unlock this cage I put myself into. Then I’ll fly away and no one will know I left. Cause I will fly for only one person: Me.

So if you see me, truly know that I am indeed, “Fine.” I don’t need to have a Cheshire Cat smile on my face all the time, do I? I’m very lucky. I achieved consciousness in all the randomness of the universe. And now I get to explore the inner space that is me. And its only now at this stage in my life that I can finally see how that is done.

Thanks for reading! -T

________PLUG IT________

Get my comics via digital download! https://www.drivethrucomics.com/browse/pub/14301/phymns

Always feel free to email me at: phymns@yahoo.com