What I Got Wrong About Connection

I’m overjoyed to announce my next book, VIBE. It’s available for preorder now:

Since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated by the fact that some interactions crackle with energy while others fall flat. I’ve thought on and off about writing a book on connection, but I wasn’t sure I had anything new and worthwhile to say. A few years ago, an unexpected interaction changed my mind.

One night before an event in L.A., my conversation partner got sick, so I had to scramble to find a last-minute replacement. I was surprised by how well it went. Afterward, I got a bunch of notes telling me our chemistry was electric. People asked how we became friends, assuming we’d known each other forever. But we’d only met once before—for 30 minutes over Zoom.

Given the circumstances, I didn’t think that kind of vibe would be possible. I couldn’t stop thinking about it: how did that happen?!

As a psychologist, I’ve spent much of my career studying how to spark, strengthen, and sustain bonds. Every time I have an awkward conversation with a new colleague or get ghosted by an old friend, I’m reminded of how much more there is to discover about the art and science of relationships.

Although we’ve never been more connected, many of us have never felt more disconnected. To address that pressing problem, I’ve done a deep dive into the science of building all kinds of bonds. I’ve also scoured the globe to study people and places that excel at it—a crew of astronauts who figured out how to trust people they don’t like, a comedy troupe that swears by taking time apart as a key to staying together, a band that grew closer by learning to fight more, and my neighbor with a matchmaking hobby who ended up facilitating dozens of marriages.

I used to think chemistry required similarity and closeness took time. My event on stage in L.A. shattered both of those beliefs. On paper, my conversation partner and I weren’t compatible. She’s an extravert; I’m a shy introvert. Whereas I’ve been accused of being Type A+, she calls herself Type Z. She loves to cook and garden; my specialty is a bowl of cereal and I’ve mistaken collard greens for lettuce. Despite our differences, we hit it off quickly. She wrote me later to say, “That was the best shortcut to a friendship I could have possibly dreamed up.”

Until then, I’d been building rapport the wrong way. When I was backstage with someone new, I’d tried to get to know their life story. But that failed to simulate the dynamic we want in front of an audience. We struggled to shift gears from trading monologues to fizzy discussions and debates about ideas.

In L.A., my conversation partner was an actor who understood the power of rehearsal. Backstage, she guided me to practice the kind of conversation we wanted to have. When I tried to ask about her life, she gave a quick answer and then tossed it back to me. She was moving us into a rhythm of riffing, and we were able to carry that vibe onto the stage—and into our lives.

Connection doesn’t depend on the amount of time we spend together. It rests on how we spend it. VIBE is about making the most of our time together.

As I put the finishing touches on the book, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. What’s surprised you most about what it takes to vibe?