BIGGER than you

The size of your dreams must always exceed you current capacity. If your dreams do not scare you. Then they are not big enough.

The first time I heard this quote, I didn’t get it. I knew what it meant, but I didn’t understand the part about dreams being scary.

Because shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Aren’t dreams supposed to get you excited when you think about them? Isn’t it supposed to make you feel giddy every time someone brings it up?

That was what I felt with my first dream. And I didn’t know why. Maybe I knew somewhere at the back of my mind that I would make it. A mixture of confidence and delusion overshadowed every other feeling I had.

It felt…liberating. Like I was on top of the world and no one could tell me otherwise.

Then I had another dream.

A more recent one.

A dream that got me way over my head. A dream I knew I just couldn’t ‘make it.’

And then I felt it.

That bubbling uneasiness in my chest, the fear in my heart, doubts in my mind. I felt every emotion. I was still confident…I knew I’d make it, somehow. But this time, delusions didn’t overshadow anything.

I remember crying, thinking I wouldn’t make it. That all the hard work would go to waste. I felt I started too late and didn’t have a chance anymore.

Scratch being scared *scoffs* I was petrified.

I found myself awake in the dead of night, searching for ways to make it work. Googling, finding alternatives, asking for advice. It was probably the first time I went to a teacher and spat out everything in my head; from the smallest worry to the biggest fear. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay, but I also wanted the unfiltered truth.

And what truth was I looking for?

That I wasn’t good enough.

That I still had a long way to go, and maybe I’d never make it.

Almost like two halves of my brain were fighting to dominate, and neither was actually winning.

I remember the crankiness, the unpredictable mood swings, the burnout…the person I became two months into having the dream.

I turned obsessive. Every step revolved around getting better. Add university assignments, quizzes, studies, and mid-terms, and the result wasn’t pretty. There were moments I had to drag myself through the day because nothing felt worth it. The ‘dream’ felt like a waste of time.

And it all brought me down to the same question…why the change?

They were both dreams. Both I hadn’t achieved. Both I didn’t have the necessary requirements either. So why?

The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. I didn’t know the full answer, but I did know one thing: it all came down to trust.

I trusted myself with one…and not the other.

I believed I could make it with the first dream. For the second? Confidence was shaky…I just refused to see it. It was less fear of failing than fear of reality; the slap that would wake me up, the scream telling me I wasn’t enough.

Because the second dream required more than I was capable of. It required a new identity. An identity I didn’t see in myself, not now and maybe not ever. No amount of Instagram reels or motivational posts could transform me into the version that could take it on. And I didn’t know if I could.

I didn’t know if I could fix my diet, sleep schedule, or routine. I didn’t know if I could evolve the things I loved so deeply into something meaningful. And that too weighed on me.

Then it got me thinking…

Did the first dream not matter? Was it really so insignificant that the second one scared me?

And if it didn’t…then that would upset me.

I mean…a dream is still a dream, right? Whether it’s big or small, achievable or impossible, a dream is always a dream.

Now, I haven’t mentioned what the dream is. And I probably never will.

Because once a dream is told, it becomes performative. It’s not yours anymore.

And I don’t want that.

A part of me will always be scared. That part may sob at night or hold back tears during the tough times to appear stronger. She will continue keeping secrets and trying to make things work alone, hoping for the best.

But then there’s the other half.

The part that won’t back down. She wants to make it more than anyone else. She’ll go crazy trying to solve buried problems, even creating solutions to ones that might not exist. That part will inevitably wipe her tears and get back up. Again. And again.

Why?

Because for a dream like that…anyone would willingly go insane. Anyone would want to be better. All just to be someone in a world where you can be lost in the blink of an eye.

The first dream I had?

It’s still there. Just not the final goal anymore. It’s part of something bigger and scarier. Something impossible.

But that’s the point, isn’t it?

According to the quote at least *laughs* I’m supposed to be scared.

What I do with that…comes later, no?.

Another day, another deep personal post for the win hahaha

I hadn’t heard this quote in so long and then recently an instagram post came up where I heard it again and something just shifted. Because what I once thought didn’t make sense, suddenly become extremely relatable.

Anyways!! I hope you enjoyed it!!