On being a 'real' author

Hi, I’m Amber Eve — author of smalltown romantic comedies, and my long-running blog, Forever Amber. If you’d like to know more about me, start here. If you’d like to hear more from me, meanwhile, hit the button below…

Of all the comments I’ve had since announcing my book deal a few weeks ago, there’s one that’s cropped up more often than any other — except maybe, ‘wow’ and ‘how the hell the hell did you manage that, then?’ It’s this:

Which…

Yeah.

OK, I’m being facetious. It’s important to note here that none of the people who’ve said this (or some variation of it) to me have intended to cause any offense with it, and none has been taken. So this post isn’t about me venting, or complaining about any of the very nice people who’ve wished me well, and who I’m very grateful for. It’s more of an observation on a bias I’ve always secretly known existed, but which I’ve always done my best to ignore; namely that people in general think traditional publishing is superior to self-publishing, and that it’s only those who are traditionally published who have the right to consider themselves to be ‘real’ authors.

Now, I had always known this distinction existed, and yet I still managed to be taken aback by it when people started congratulating me on becoming ‘real’ at last. It was strange, and a bit humbling, I suppose, to know that all of these…

… were presumed to be ‘pretend’ books, that didn’t really count, and that it was only now, after over twenty years of being paid by people to write, that I was deemed to have finally ‘made it’.

It was strange to me, I suppose, because I’ve always considered myself to be a writer. I suspect this might be slightly unusual, because it seems to be the norm for writers to question that status; barely a week goes by without the Substack algorithm showing me at least one newsletter by someone worrying about whether or not they’re ‘allowed’ to refer to themselves as a ‘writer’, but, I have to admit, this isn’t something I’ve ever particularly related to. My first job out of university was in local journalism, and, since then, I have always made a living from writing, in some form or another. That’s why I’ve always considered myself ‘a writer’, and it’s probably also why I’ve never been ashamed to admit that I would like to be paid for the writing I do — it has literally never occurred to me that I shouldn’t be, or that writing is something I should only ever consider as a ‘hobby’. I write, therefore I am a writer; it’s as simple as that.

Not for everyone, though. Because, while I have never had any issue describing myself as a writer (or as an author, once I started writing books), announcing my book deal made it very obvious to me that not everyone in my life has thought of me that way. No, for a lot of people, it’s only now that I’ve ‘finally’ earned the right to call myself an ‘author’; and only because I’ll now be traditionally published, meaning that at least one person in the industry has verified my credentials, and deemed me worthy of the title.

Before that, though, I guess I was … what? A pretend author, I suppose? Writing pretend books? I mean… I guess?

And, in the same way that I’ve been pretending to write these books, and pretending to sell them, it turns out a lot of the people who know me have been diligently pretending to take that seriously, and I guess it’s that, more than anything, that’s got me feeling a bit weird about all of this, because, well, it IS weird to find out that everyone’s just been humoring you these last few years, isn’t it?

I’m kind of mortified, actually.

And, look, I get it. I do. Because while I have never hesitated to call myself a ‘writer’, it’s also true that a large part of the impostor syndrome I’ve always felt as an author has come from the fact that, until now, I was self-published, and so there was literally nothing stopping me from just cranking out any old rubbish, was there? Self-publishing wasn’t like working for a newspaper, or being paid to write an article for a client; no, there were literally no checks or balances on the quality of the work I produced, and no one to reliably tell me whether it was good or not… which made it all too easy to think that it probably wasn’t.

“It’s such an amazing achievement, writing an entire book,” people would say (And, note, this in itself is very different from someone saying, “I loved your book’ or “you’re a great writer, Amber’…), but I would always just brush those comments aside, because it seemed to me that pretty much anyone could write ‘a book’ — it was writing a good book that was the difficult part, and I could not allow myself to believe that I had done that. Anyone who said I had was obviously just being kind, or trying to flatter me, and the fact did not escape me that most of the people who praised me for being able to write ‘an entire book!’ hadn’t actually read the book(s) in question, and were basically just praising me for my typing ability.

(Strangely enough, I have never thought this about any of the other indie authors I know, or come across online. No, to me, they are all ‘real’ authors, writing ‘real’ books; it was just me who wasn’t one. Wild, huh?)

So, while I hadn’t ever considered pursuing a traditional book deal, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel somewhat validated when I was offered one. This is why I offer no criticism of the people who’ve congratulated me for finally becoming a ‘real’ author: I know perfectly well they’re only saying something I had been secretly thinking about myself. And still am, actually. Because, the fact is, signing a book deal hasn’t actually made me feel any more ‘real’ than I did before. I am still haunted by the idea that my book isn’t actually any good, and that I’ve just somehow tricked people into thinking it is. I am terrified that it won’t sell, and I’ll be exposed as the giant fraud I am. “We thought Amber was a real author now,” people will grumble. “But she’s still just as fake as she’s ever been!”

Will this ever change, I wonder? Will I ever get to feel like a ‘real’ author, as well as actually being one?

And, hey, while I’m on the subject, have you pre-ordered my first ‘real’ book yet? Because I’m thinking that would probably help:

Thanks for reading!