light through cracks

In 2022 I lost four people who battled with addiction. Three I have written about already because they were those I was close enough to attend their funeral. But the fourth person, I only knew for a month, their name was Ezra.

I met them in July 2020, during the peak of my isolated driven identity crisis. I was unsure of every aspect of myself. I didn’t even know if I - like them - were nonbinary. I didn’t like being a woman or even know what a woman should be like. I told them once we matched that I wanted to go by AJ and they listened. Ezra too was born a different name they no longer wanted.

They were also the first queer date I even went on after coming out publically. Four years later I still feel a bit strange I made a whole coming out post. Feels outdated at this point, but I wanted people to know, I am queer and proud. Felt like most might assume I am straight and that deeply bothered me.

Ezra and I matched on Tinder and I learned they were living only a mile from my parent’s house. Where I was forced to move back into after graduating college in the middle of a pandemic.

I couldn’t believe it when I found out they were living with a barista who I had a crush on in high school. Ezra had known them from childhood and just moved into her attic. It all felt like a sign from the universe that we met. But I have always been too quick to claim destiny.

I remember our first date so vividly, and I play it back in my head all the time.

July 21, 2020 - Ezra and I’s First Date

We plan to meet over at the Haw, a river by my house in North Carolina. I’ve only brought a few special people too. I picked it because we want somewhere to go outside (still being covid cautious) and I know that river is beautiful.

Once we arrive I walk them to this spot I know hidden deeper in the forest but still by the water. I lay on a yellow blanket I brought and learned all about Ezra. They are very open about their life and addiction struggles, which scares me for a moment.

People battling addiction keep showing up in my life. It stings like a scratch on a sunburn to recall witnessing the pain of the disease, firsthand. I don’t wish to go through that again.

I hear their story of growing up with a single mother, dropping out of school to get a job to help support her, and the sudden loss of their previous partner recently. It’s a lot to take in but I just lay there and soak up every word to memory.  

As we lay stoned under the trees they share with me that this reminds them of their childhood. Ezra says they used to lay underneath the Christmas tree and look up to see the lights sparkle through the cracks of the leaves.

I still smile remembering hearing that for the first time, how poetic and unique of a childhood.

A little caterpillar came down to say hello. Ezra was in heavy chains and big chunky jewelry. Despite their tough exterior, they were incredibly gentle with this creature. They stuck out their hand and let the caterpillar slowly lay on them until they carefully moved it to safety. A butterfly even came and landed on their Converse-covered toes. It was as if the insects knew Ezra was someone you didn’t want to miss and touch if you got the chance.

I felt quiet around them, an unusual trait for me when I am talking to someone one-on-one. But I was intimated by them, they seemed so sure of who they were. While I was the most unsure of myself I have ever been. I admired how they up and left their home, changed their name, and were rebuilding a new life for themselves. That takes real bravery and courage.

Grieving Ezra has looked very different. Since no one close to me knew about them but me. It was during peak pandemic so I was isolated in my time with them. Sometimes I feel I dreamt of meeting them, a feeling I felt even when they were alive. But no they were very real, truly an authentic individual. I don’t get to talk about them the way I can with others I am grieving. So I feel this is one of my few chances to share how much I think about them.

Every time I see a Christmas tree I am reminded of them. I imagine little Ezra smiling lying on the skirt of the tree, shifting around to watch the light beam through.

Every time I hear C U again by Steve Lacy I am reminded of them. A song we finally agreed we both liked during our third date. They laughed at my favorite songs so it took a while to find one we liked. We had very different music tastes, they liked screamo, and I liked well, anything but that.

Every time I see in the gas station those packs of Rye Chips, aka the bread-only chips from Chex Mix, I think of them. I never knew those existed before we were hanging out, and I was hungry. They pulled out of their bag and claimed it was their favorite snack and gave me them to taste. I didn’t enjoy them that much but pretended they were delicious. As one does when they have a crush on someone.

Sometimes when I look in the passenger seat of my car I still feel our first kiss. How I wasn’t sure they were interested in me like that. But then after our fourth date, they set their tattooed hand on my cheek and pulled me close. I wasn’t used to things moving this slowly. Not used to anyone meeting up with me and not having an ulterior motive to get me naked. But Ezra didn’t care to see me naked, all they wanted to do was kiss. Which I was fine with me, their lips were as soft as their heart.

I still think about how I sent them a poem I wrote about them after only knowing them for a week. A very bold move that would usually scare someone away. They responded with the utmost flattery and heart emojis. I just got back into journaling when I met them, so the entire first few pages of my new journal are all about Ezra. There was something about them that had me completely enamored.

It’s true, I didn’t know much about them. I didn’t know their favorite movie, favorite color, or what made them smile on a bad day. All I know is that I was lucky to meet them. It only took three hours on a hot summer day for me to know that.

One of the saddest human characteristics is when people are blind to their beauty when it’s glaringly clear. I have come across so many beautiful souls in my life who didn’t see their internal light—dedicated so many hours of my life trying to shine a mirror on them.

I have held down towels to stop the bleeding on my friend’s cuts and repeated how I need them to stick around. I have taken photos of my partners and shown them, see how beautiful you are? I have preached to those stuck to look at your potential, don’t you see how amazing you are?

But some people have a blind spot to their magic. I have accepted it is not up to me to make others love themselves. Accepted or embraced defeat, it’s hard to say which one. I just know loving yourself has to come from within. As much as I wish I could pour love down their throats and make them swallow it.

One night Ezra called me up distressed and I picked them up as quickly as I could. Once they got in the car I watched them cry and felt the real pain they were battling inside. Paralyzed, unsure how to comfort them besides to tell them I can tell they feel it all so deeply.

They blamed their big emotions on their Astrology Signs, Cancer Sun, and a Pisces Moon. I am still friends with them on Co-Star, the app still updates their profile like they are alive. It’s Cancer season now and I wish they could see what the stars are saying about their potential future.

I found out they passed away through an Instagram Story posted by that childhood friend they lived with. I still don’t know what happened, but I have my theories.

They were the second person that year, 2022, I found out who died. One day before Mikhail, and two months before Austin. I cried as soon as I saw the post. I knew they had a darkness inside of them they were fighting. I always hoped they would be able to overcome it. They seemed to be doing better from some of the photos I saw.

I remember the text after a week of silence in August 2020 saying, they are going through a lot right now. They weren’t sure how much fun they’d be to be around.

But Ezra, I could have watched you lay beside me on that yellow blanket for days. You didn’t need to do anything for me. The animals all knew you were special as they came to us that day. You were a gift to so many, and god, I hope your mom is doing okay.

I listen to screamo music now and I get the rage I didn’t understand before. It’s therapeutic to scream, I wish we got to scream together.

Also, I realized I do identify with being a woman after a mountain trip with mushrooms. But you were the first one to call me AJ and validate what I was going through. I am forever grateful for your acceptance of me at the time.

I just watched the movie I saw the TV Glow Alone in the theaters and I thought you would have loved this movie. There is even a screamo song in it that hypnotized me. I teared up thinking of you as the screen displayed the words, it’s never too late.

Maybe, sometimes it is too late. Maybe, some people are too sensitive for this world, I don’t know. I don’t think there is ever a good reason for a life cut short. I am still hoping to find any explanation as to why some of the most lovable people I know are gone. If there isn’t one then I worry I might become a nihilist.

Ezra - Thank you for letting me inside your world, even if it was just for a month. I promise you, I will never forget you. I couldn’t even if I tried.