The Call Was Coming from Inside the House

It’s easy to assign blame. It’s harder to dig deep within and move forward. At least that’s what I’ve found this year. On an artistic level, I’ve been having to figure out what’s working and what isn’t. And spring cleaning fueled a lot of this.

I’ve been in my studio for over a decade. But around March, I felt suffocated by my surroundings. So I stripped down a wall covered with ephemera and inspiration. I donated unread books. I pitched dried up markers. And I felt like I could breathe again. I was creating space, literally and metaphorically. I also realized that my cleaning procrastination had really been a form of self-sabotage. Having to make decisions about art supplies and old illustrations overwhelmed me. I didn’t want to engage with perceived failures tucked away in the flat file. But going into full ostrich-mode wasn’t doing me any favors. And I’ve been trying to dig my way out of that mindset in the months since.

So a couple areas where I find self-sabotage easy and the workarounds I’ve been trying this year:

1. “My work is junk”
   At some point or another, creative doubt will smack you up the side of the head. You aren’t alone. Everyone thinks their work stinks at one point or another. My goal increasingly is to admit shortcomings, but not to be owned by them. Also, I’m most inclined to indulge in this mindset when I’m hungry, angry, sad or tired. I hate that this attitude can often be fixed by a nap or a cookie, but it is what it is…

2. “Everyone’s got it together except for me”
   When I was growing up, my dad would tell me that there would always be someone smarter, prettier and more successful than me, but that I just had to be the best version of myself that I could be. I’m incredibly grateful for this outlook; it took a lot of pressure off of me as a kid. Whenever I feel myself thinking, “Well, so-and-so has this opportunity” or “Why is what’s-her-face in that show?” I know it’s probably best if I exit out of social media and just make the best thing I can make.

3. “I’m an imposter”
   The reality is, we’re all faking it on some level. Humility is good, but I’m realizing that irrational self-doubt is a reason to pause. There’s a big difference between, “I know I have room for improvement,” versus, “I’m awful. Period.” You can have a realistic idea of your capabilities without denigrating yourself. I’ve mentioned previously that I recently started biking. My fitness app informs me that I’m managing 6 MPH. Go ahead and laugh — I am. But it’s better than 0 MPH. I’m getting outside, I’m improving my health, and in time, I can probably get faster. Or maybe I’ll just poke along at the speed I am. Who knows. At any rate, I’m realistic about where I was yesterday, attempting something more today and hopeful about where I’m going tomorrow.

   

4. “Feedback? Ew…”
   I told someone recently that I’ve come to the realization that the bulk of my illustration work has been in a silo. There hasn’t been enough creative cross pollination. It’s only in the past couple years that I’ve started running work by another illustrator friend; it’s had a big impact on me both as an artist and a person. And it’s made me realize that I should have gotten out of my own head sooner. Find your people — join a critique group, ask trusted friends and family for feedback, sign up for a portfolio review, take a class. And this video about creating in community literally popped up in my inbox this morning; it’s well worth a watch.

5. “I’m making no progress”
   When I feel this way lately, I pull out old work. You can see where you’ve started and get an idea of where you’re going. Conversely, sometimes old work has something that’s missing in new work. Keep moving forward, but occasionally take a glance over your shoulder.

6. “I’m just going to stick my head in the sand”
   While the sand may look attractive, eventually it’ll get suffocating. When the smoke has cleared, get curious and ask questions. This is hard. And sometimes painful. In the past year, I’ve had to do lots of this. Postmortems aren’t fun, but they can be healing both professionally and personally.
   

   
   I think the commonality with all of these beliefs is that they come from within. True, others can shape these ideas (i.e, that one awful critique session freshman year, your third grade teacher, anonymous strangers on the internet, etc., etc.). But by and large, I find more often than not, the call is coming from inside the house, like that old horror movie trope. I’m the one gumming up the works. And it isn’t a one and done — I might avoid hating on my work one day and not the next. But baby steps, right? So if you’re in the same boat, hopefully this helps!

   Now I should probably clean out the bins I keep my paint supplies in… Talk is cheap, right?