Ghost of my Substack past

Hey Substack, it's been a while. My inner voice while writing this is Nara Smith in those her calm, aesthetically pleasing cooking videos, because that's the energy I'm trying to channel in this piece. Why?? Because I'm extremely mad at myself.

Who can tell that I've had that intro sitting in my drafts since July? Huh?

*Covers face in shame.*

Anyway, tonight, I did something dangerous, I went back and read every single Substack I've ever written. Not like I don't sneak back here for a peek sometimes, but never the entire thing. And honestly ?? At intervals, I'd pause and whisper, “ouuuu, I did thatttt” and just marvel at my growth. Like, who let me be this good? The nerve! I mean, you can even find one of ‘em on Google. Not me being indexed like a real writer.

And yet… here I am, months later, struggling to write a single new thing. It's funny how you can be proud of your voice and still be scared to use it.

But I guess, this is me trying again, one calm Nara-Smith like breath at a time.

A few days ago, I was on a call with a friend, we were just talking casually, and I mentioned how my life has somehow become so… boring. And he went, “Well, yeah, because right now it’s just you, school, and clinical posting. There’s nothing else to you again.” And honestly? That stung. I wanted to cry so badly. Because he was right in a way I didn’t want to admit.

So I guess this is me making a list, a quiet reminder to myself that there has been more to me, even if it didn’t always last.

While I've been away, I've kind of been in my “soft chaos, try everything at once” era. Duolingo has been on my neck to come back for my Spanish lessons. I picked up chess too. I even kicked off sign language classes for a bit. For a bit being the keyword there.

Somewhere along the line, I also became a social media manager, which sounds impressive until you realise that my posting schedule and clinical posting teamed up against me. There's also this one online course I started and still haven't finished.😔

Oh, and because apparently I like challenges, I tried doing a “30 days of putting myself out there” thing. Day one went up, I got scared, over thought every word and deleted it within hours.

Basically, I've been doing a lot, but not consistently. (Very on brand for me, if we're being real). Growing, but also hiding. Trying, but also retreating. It’s messy, but it’s mine. I'd probably still be the first person to shout “involve meee”, when something new comes up.😂 But right now? I'm tired. I'm tired in a way that when I sleep, I only wake up because I have to. So, I'm choosing rest. As a wise man I know would say, “take it one at a time.”

And maybe that’s the point, or maybe I’m just rambling at 12 a.m. because I miss hearing my own thoughts out loud.

Either way, Hi again. I’m back. (Kind of. Maybe. We’ll see.)

Back to my corner of the internet?🌚

Your anonymous bestie

Ree 🤍