memories

Not gonna sugar coat anything- today is 5 years since my mom died and I am sad. But not like cry cry wah wah sad. It’s almost like a handicap on how happy I can be, sad. I truly had a great day today. Surrounded by new friends, old friends, babies, almost babies, parents, cousins, customers, and community. I felt loved and appreciated and valued and was reminded how much I love my life I think. But. Something I have noticed in the last 5 years is my capacity for happiness between now and when my mom was alive has shrunk. What used to be 100% happiness, now exists somewhere around 90%. Today, I think that value was around 70%. I can’t tell if this happens to other people because I’ve never heard anyone talk about it but it sucks pretty hard to feel it and be aware of it and be unable to help it. I hope one day it becomes normal but also maybe not because then I know I will have gotten over her.

I like to think I am doing very well, but sometimes I catch myself in the car, or around the house, forgetting what the situation is, and instinctively wanting to call my mom to tell her about something that happened that day or ask her a question about a recipe, etc. This doesn’t happen often these days, but the fact that it still happens always surprises me. There are a lot of reasons why I miss her (obviously). Her laugh, her food, the way she would combine the words “the other” to the word “thather,” and many, many, many more things. A lot I have found ways to cope with. I cook for myself and others a lot more, I try to make people laugh, and I keep around a loving partner who sings and dances and laughs at any given opportunity and she gives me joy. But something I think that will always get to me is how many memories I know are just lost.

1. My first words

2. What my first day of school was like

3. Did I always prefer 2% milk or did I start with whole milk but got too fat too quick so we made the switch

And not only baby things- a lot of the in between things or behind the scenes things I may not have picked up on or known about. Some things she probably told me when she was around that I just didn’t think to write down or keep note of because I thought she would always be around to tell me and my kids these stories one day. That part is the worst because losing her lost a large part of me, within these memories. An unexpected double whammy that gets to me everyday. I think a large reason why is me getting older and going through the life events she was so eager to be a part of. Are these normal grief things lol idk man nobody talks about this stuff.

The next thing I’m worried about is my memories of her, but I try not to think about that too much. I hope they live forever and I can tell generations of people after me about how she was my favorite person.

Last week she would have turned 59. 4 weeks ago I turned 31. Life goes on with or without, so I keep moving. It doesn't go away but gets easier to live with.