Rebuilding and Restructuring

Lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me.

I could blame it with the inconsistent spring weather or PMS, but really, I haven’t been in a good headspace. And while it’s okay to have down days, I noticed I’ve kept myself from acknowledging them out in the open—until I eventually did, and realized that it’s perfectly okay to feel like this, and I know it won’t last forever.

Instead of bubbling it up and saying “I’m fine” when friends ask me how I am, these days, I give them the honest truth of “I’m not doing good” or “I feel blegh”. And so far, there have been no violent reactions. Meanwhile, I feel like a true burden being that designated depressed friend while everyone else seems to brimming with good energy.

This cloud has been looming over me for a while now.

Some days, it’s barely there. Most days, it haunts me that I can’t even sit on my desk and work through my projects. It’s not great. I’ve never felt this before, and now that I’m in my thirties, I am more sensitive to these voices in my head that do not belong to me. Unfortunately for me, the inner turmoil of my brain (and the demons that are part of it) dominate most of my waking life, and I’ve learned to keep them at bay by distracting myself at work (though that is another topic I have yet to share).

I’m not going to sugarcoat this and say I’ll be fine. I know I will be, eventually, and this will pass. But I think, as I’m knee deep in developing a better relationship with myself, there has been a lot of construction going on both in my creative career and personal life.

A few months ago, I was invited by a friend to attend a dinner for a brand I personally use. I came home from that evening with a free cap and stickers (cute) and an identity crisis brewing (not cute).

Maybe it was the fact that I went to this dinner without a clue what platform it was promoting (AI). Or maybe it was also the weird looks I got while I explained what my job was. Or maybe, I couldn’t really summarize my creative career in one sentence and struggled to take space and socialize in that environment (I am an introvert, after all).

It was so easy for me to introduce myself in the (niche) journaling community, and I felt extremely comfortable sharing ideas and inspiration. But in a sea of strangers where everyone’s voices felt more potent and loud—talking about their careers as AI directors or how they’ve been “optimising AI in their workflow”, I instantly clammed up and sat there in silence, internally screaming “get me out of here” until dessert was served.

The next day, I felt extremely uneasy. Was I simply getting older? Am I just not a person who does networking anymore? Maybe I just dislike meeting new people?

But ultimately, I was left with the age-old questions:

Who am I?

What is my job?

What am I really working toward?

Thus came the idea of giving my website a much needed refresh. Welp, nothing like an identity crisis to push me to finally tackle my very stale website that hasn’t been updated since 2022.

It’s still in early stages, but I got to work with Franky (who wonderfully crafted my copy) and Jenny (a good friend and photographer), and I’m putting myself in charge of designing the site itself. It’s a scary process, but I’m learning to be patient throughout the process.

Right now, I’ve just pasted the copy and started picking out fonts (which takes forever). I’m also dreaming up the many ways I could draw the graphics needed, especially the iconography. I know for sure that I’ll play around with hand drawn elements and get creative.

I grew up coding my own websites and tinkering around with HTML (on Xanga!) so it still amuses me that I will eventually be doing this for my entire career. I’m nervous though, websites are not my strongest suit, but I will do my best to tap into my strengths and make it work.

This week, I’ve taken an active step in monitoring how long it takes to do every single task in my to-do list, thanks to my (new!) studio assistant, Ning. She came at a perfect time, and I’d like to think the universe is looking out for me when I need it the most. While we coordinate everything virtually, it just helps knowing someone out there is keeping tabs on me while we figure this out together.

Working by myself is not difficult by any means, but it can be a lot. And while I’ve been in working freelance for over a decade, it’s never been the same every year. There’s always something that can be done better, such as grouping tasks that entail the same type of work (e.g. filming or taking photos, among others). It’s difficult for me to zoom out because I tend to do everything and have no one else to complain to except myself (oh, the perils of being your own boss!).

I also noticed that I get pulled into so many directions while I’m on my desk. Once I finish task A, I could proceed to task B, and then C. If all that is done, I’ll go over my weekly to-dos and find ways to instantly fill my time, versus stopping at what’s only needed for the day. And then the cycle continues where I feel too exhausted and unable to work properly the following day. This energy imbalance has been a struggle, so I’m hoping to change that.

After an intense discussion yesterday on screen time (yikes, I averaged on 5 hours per day last week!), and a whole other discussion about unconventional life paths (tl;dr: I am doing pretty well, but my brain doesn’t seem to think so), I took it upon myself to slowly change the way I think. Of course, easier said than done.

I’ve realized that so much of my anxiety lately has less to do with where I actually am in life, and more to do with the stories I keep telling myself (and, let’s admit it, what I consume). The human mind is powerful, and I keep forgetting how much of what I think manifests in the way I live my life.

By all means, it’s been an unconventional life. The other day, I caught myself thinking about how I’ve managed to build a life many miles away from where I grew up, in a city that once felt foreign to me but now feels like home, all by myself, simply because I chose to do it. It hasn’t been easy, but I did it. And yet, I discredit myself so many times because I feel behind in other parts of my life.

“But aren’t you the queen of following your own path?” a friend asked me.

Why stop now? I told myself. Why are all these societal expectations creeping up on me at a time when I didn’t need them to, anyway? Do I even want these things? Some, yes, but not now. Some, no.

“It comes with age, Abbey. But you’re doing really well. Don’t forget that,” another friend reminded me.

Addressing these concerns in recent conversations have been good for me. It’s an opportunity to look at it in another lens and to reassess what I’m thinking and whether that’s right or wrong. It’s difficult! I have a very complicated relationship with myself, and I am extremely self-critical.

They say the only way out is through, and lately I’ve realized how easy it is to get stuck in a web of intrusive thoughts. Maybe it starts with catching myself before it gets worse. I am well aware that it’ll take some time, but as I’ve written down in my monthly meeting, I will go gentle. And eventually find my way out of this funk.

I’m ending this post with one of my favorite songs, one that has always resonated with me:

Maybe I need to rewatch Greta Gerwig’s Barbie? Or maybe I’ll get into another identity crisis. We’ll see!

P.S. Thanks for reading!

I debated whether to share this piece, since I usually write about journaling, creativity, or work notes here on Substack. This one feels more personal, a small glimpse into the parts of my life I don’t often share publicly. Posting this feels a little vulnerable, so thank you for taking the time to read it.

Credits: cover photo by Job, taken in December 2024 in SoCal