What would it have been like?

I recently went shopping with my maternal grandmother. It’s a tradition my family has whenever we visit India, and a tradition I deeply enjoy. But this time, I started thinking about what it would have been like to go shopping with my paternal grandmother, who had Parkinson’s Disease. I wasn’t able to have any of those experiences with her due to this: shopping, going to the movies, and learning her favorite recipes. She was notoriously known to be an incredibly fun person, and one with a great fashion sense. Of course, I’ve shared some great memories with her while I could, but never that. Would my grandmother have scolded me for choosing horrible clothes? Or laughed when I picked out the most ridiculous outfits? What things would she force me to get, or would she leave me to get whatever I wanted? There are so many things I wonder about, but will never get answers for because of Parkinson’s.

My mom has had many more of these experiences with my grandmother than I could have had, and I think my grandma’s disease took a bigger toll on her than it did on me. She had been able to cook with my grandma, spend long hours gossiping with her, laughing, loving every moment, before Parkinson’s began to affect my grandmother further. Usually, a mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship is never close to nice, but they were never like that. Half the food my mom makes was from my grandma’s recipes, and the first time my mom ever cooked was with her. When Parkinson’s slowly tore those memories from their hands, what would my mom have to hold on to?

I wish I could have done those things with my grandmother, and I always think about how it would have played out: me entering the kitchen, asking her what she’s doing, her allowing me to watch, showing me, teaching me. I used to watch this show, Just Add Magic, where the entire first season was about one of the main characters trying to save her grandmother through cooking, which was one of their favorite memories together. Whenever I watched it, I would always think about what it would have been like to cook with my grandmother, have such deep memories cooking with her that I would spend so much effort trying to bring those memories back. What kind of food would we have made? Would we discover new recipes together? Fail miserably at making them? Or succeed?

My maternal grandmother and I are incredibly close, and she has more than made up for these questions through each moment we spend together. She cares for me deeply, and like most grandmothers, is always on my side (something that comes in handy whenever I fight with my brother). But the pressure of making up for those moments I lost with my other grandmother is resting on her shoulders, and is something I find incredibly unfair. But, the world is an unfair place.

So, I wonder…

What would it have been like to see my paternal grandmother sitting at the dining table and chatting with my family? What would it have been like if she could have climbed the stairs and visited me in my room? What would it have been like if she had yelled at my brother for fighting with me? What would it have been like?

There are so many things I wonder about, and many more things I won’t get answers for. Parkinson’s left my grandmother within the confines of her home, then her wheelchair, then her bed. Like me, I imagine so many other grandchildren pondering how their visits to their grandparents would have turned out if their grandparents didn’t have Parkinson’s, or even any other disease. But, well, I guess the world is an unfair place.