you found a secret 62bugs back to shootingswallows...
it's been a while and I'm remembering I would like to document my life (for my own already-shoddy memory's sake) and for just venting and for connection, maybe, even to a future self... sometimes I go back to these streams of consciousness and I am overwhelmed by the past me in front of me, usually a bit embarrassing and always self important just because that's what the medium asks for, but also…
if I keep waiting for life to happen to me, it will remain stagnant, a pool fogged up with sulfurous algae. no, nothing is fair. yes, the evil prevails. love is a room that appears when you step into it. my god, I just remembered that we die. But -- but me too?! Don't forget that for now, it's strawberry season. maybe the wage of virtue is just to have proof... that goodness can prove itself. I…
Wow, Fall did hit me like a truck this year. apologies for the despair in my last post! It was both necessary and melodramatic. last week was one of those where the big things I have no control over and the little things I do, teamed up and jumped me and beat my ass into grass. I made it out though, and all of a sudden the air is more crisp and smoky, Dorothy Ashby is playing in my ears, a bouquet…
it is completely hilarious (not funny at all actually) what happens to a person's brain when they are sick for days on end, coming off of being strung out because of a work project, no social interaction for days, and trying to find a job in a completely different city all while the world is on fire. do you think the spyware can see my typing this? I am crying over a mistake I made at work last…
what do you do when you know the world is ending? I don't say this to despair, it's just simple truth. maybe not the world, physically, but the world as we know it, society, yes. hell is rising with the tepid ocean waters. now that I've fallen in love I can admit I saw a future for a moment, where I could have a baby. but then I remember the seahorses and the rainforests, I remember Gaza, a mirror…
if loving is not possession as many think, then maybe it is being seen, recognized, regardless of how transfigured. being known deep in your soul, seen for your flaws and broken promises and stories you tell yourself, things that you do to hold yourself back. it might not be this beautiful perfect, glowing thing... it's like a crumpled soft animal, loved anyways, loved in spite. and it's not…
25 now and presents come to me as new albums, grateful. want you to know that despite everything and the ugly feelings, I'm still rooting for you to make it, even if I can't be there for it. this is one year where I'm not entirely sure how to feel about my birthday, do you ever? there's a proudness that I've made it this far, that the years are almost earned when I think back to where I used to be…
every day I am going to keep the promises I made to myself. that clear dark blue like azure and the visions I've had, I won't let the person in my mind be let down. I feel the creative season is shifting over to me again and I'm filled with ideas and an urgency, swift! more and more the lessons are becoming clear to me, at least some of them. authenticity will bring you joy, and joy Is the truest…
in a hazy dream I saw the sun setting and a little comet in the corner of my eye a far off wish- everybody I love to be tucked under the blanket of earth eager to rise in the morning, see themselves in clovers and fresh dew content with what they see when we are hurt we lash out just animals after all when blood drips into your eyes, you can't tell friend from foe. and the cycle continues some of…
I have been working on a new painting, and testing glazes for my sculpture. both of these things are reminding me of the importance of practice and experimentation. the painting is much more of a drawing- oil as a base on top of dark blue paper, with pastels on top. I'm enjoying the freedom and swiftness it allows me. it's also humbling in a needed way, realizing I have the ability to make good…