Hey y’all! With the NBA season only a week away (hooray!!!!!!!), I decided to make an executive decision and devote [insert word count here] words to this upcoming NBA season.
I’ll make sure to carefully explain everything. I’ll keep it short, with one-to-three-sentence explanations for each, leaving you with one main thing for each team. This is my element - the NBA is my favorite league and basketball is my favorite sport. But before we start, I feel I should mention what I would have talked about:
The New York Liberty rebounded in Game 3 of the WNBA Finals behind a strong outing from Jonquel Jones
In a preseason game vs DePaul, Iowa women’s basketball set the modern attendance record with 55,646, and Caitlin Clark just causally dropped 41 points and 8 assists* because she is awesome
21-year-old Tom Kim became the youngest professional golfer to win three PGA titles since Tiger Woods with a win in the Shriners Children’s Open, he shot 5-under 66*
Okay, without further ado, let’s get into it!
(P.S. Sorry I sent this out so late, took a long time to get all the links in)
15. Washington Wizards - 15 wins-67 losses- The Washington Wizards are an odd team. This past offseason, they traded their two best players, Bradley Beal and Kristaps Porzingis (tingus pingus!!!), but kept their third-best player, Kyle Kuzma (an odd dresser to say the least). Their roster is full of rejects and the like. Don’t get me wrong, they have some fun players there (Danilo Gallinari, Tyus Jones), and Kuzma and Jordan Poole, their two best players, are gonna score a lot, but this team - it’s not gonna be good. Sorry, Wizards fans. The main thing: if they’re on TV, you might want to watch Jeopardy instead. That’ll probably be more entertaining.
14. Detroit Pistons - 23-59 - As I scroll on ESPN’s Pistons’ roster page, there are striking similarities to the musical Hamilton. Cade Cunningham is early Alexander Hamilton, the young phenom who struggled a bit at first, had a big setback, but is now finding his groove. Bojan Bogdanovic (boy-an bog-don-o-vich) is Thomas Jefferson, the established vet trying to find his own way in the world. New head coach Monty Williams is obviously George Washington, a more than capable leader who touches each of his soldiers personally. The main thing: there are a million things they haven’t done and won’t do this year (like be good), but just you wait.
13. Charlotte Hornets - 27-55 - I originally had the Hornets much lower on this list, and then I saw Brandon Miller, their top draft pick, play. Even if the stats haven’t jumped off the page, he has shown flashes of Vince Carter-esque brilliance - slithering drives, great court vision, and this. But, he’s on the Hornets. With Lavar Ball’s son LaMelo, the gamer and part-time basketball player that is Gordon Hayward (married to a psycho, by the way), and the rest of Charlotte’s good-not-great players, this team will be a mediocre masterpiece. But the main thing is: They won’t be the worst in their division (thanks, Wizards)!
(Side note: I feel like I should mention Miles Bridges, the Hornets’ small forward, who was recently issued a criminal summons for violating his restraining order from his former girlfriend during a child custody swap. He is charged with child abuse, as he threw pool balls at the car that his children were in. This comes after he violently abused his former girlfriend, Mychelle Johnson, leaving her with visible marks on her face and back, and was charged with domestic violence. He currently is still on an NBA contract. This is not okay. The NBA has a disgustingly long history of spousal abuse (among players), and it needs to stop. The NBA needs to take swift action against Bridges and anyone who would do this to anyone else, especially a spouse.)
12. Toronto Raptors - 35-47 - It’s boring just writing about the Raptors. This team is the same every year - wins 30-45 games, Pascal Siakam is great, and then they just lose in the play-in* (if they even make the play-in). I seriously don’t want to write about them anymore. The main thing: Sorry, Raptors superfan Drake, but this team is Honestly, Nevermind-level average. Pascal Siakam is Jimmy Cooks (explicit) and Scottie Barnes is Sticky, (explicit) but the rest of the team is Texts Go Green (explicit).
11. Orlando Magic - 37-45 - I know we’ve talked a lot about teams close to being good, but this team is soooooooooo close to being good. Putting them at the 11 seed vs the 10 seed was the hardest decision of this series. I’m still not sure that this team won’t be a play-in team. Why? Two words: Paolo Banchero (pah-oh-low ban-care-oh). The guy is a star, and probably the closest thing to LeBron we’ve seen since LeBron. I don’t mean skill level, because LeBron is still in another atmosphere, but in terms of skillset, they’re both 6’8ish forwards who attack the basket for rim-ratting slams. The crazy thing? This is only Paolo’s second season. Also, Franz Wagner, Markelle Fultz and Atlanta native Wendell Carter Jr are excellent and fun. The main thing: Whenever you can, watch this team. They’re so much fun, even after they lost the human stick bug that is Bol Bol. Not sure that’ll translate to wins, though. At least not this year.
15. Portland Trail Blazers - 23-59 - This team is a sinking ship. During the offseason, they traded Damian Lillard, their 2nd-greatest player ever, forever rupturing the stern. He was the only thing keeping them afloat, and these Trail Blazers are sinking. Anfernee Simons, Deandre Ayton, Jerami Grant, Robert Williams III, Shaedon Sharpe, Malcolm Brogdon, and especially Scoot Henderson are clinging to the last remaining wreckage, kicking for their lives, desperately calling for help, but this boat is going down fast. The main thing: Iceberg, right ahead!
14. Houston Rockets - 30-52 - The Houston Rockets are a made-for-TV soap opera of a team. First, they spent the entire offseason courting James Harden, their disgraced former spouse who left three years ago. It didn’t go well. Then, they offered their love to Dillon Brooks and Fred VanVleet (????), who are just going to break their hearts and try to turn the Rockets into something they aren’t. This team is slowly turning into a toxic, alpha male-energy mess. Jalen Green and Alperen Sengun (al-pear-en sin-goon) are the lone bright spots, but there isn’t much anyone can do to save this team from a season of drama and heartbreak. The main thing: lots of tears, lots of losses: Watch the 2023-24 Houston Rockets now.
13. Utah Jazz - 35-47 - It’s sad the Utah Jazz are so bad. This team is so fun! Lauri Markkanen, a 6’11 Finnish dude (who recently served in the military - imagine seeing a 6’11 guy trying to duck in the trenches!!!), and Jordan Clarkson, a 6’4 Philipino who carries his entire nation’s dreams of basketball on his back, are truly two of my favorite players in the league. Last year, the Jazz WAAAAAAY overperformed, but unfortunately, I think this year is going to be different. Their coach Will Hardy is good, but other than those three, the team is not good (not enough depth has been a recurring theme this column). The main thing: A John Collins possible career revival may be the most exciting thing about this team.
12. San Antonio Spurs - 38-44 - I’m sorry, Spurs fans. Yes, Devin Vassell and Keldon Johnson are great. Yes, Victor Wembanyama is a generational talent. And yes, coach Greg Poppovich is the greatest coach ever. And that sounds like a great combo, right? But outside of them, what is there to like? Blake Wesley is decent, I think, Malaki Branham is okay, and Zach Collins is salvageable, but I just don’t see this team being able to put together a good enough run to make it to the play-in. Do they have enough depth, shooting, or defense? I say no. Wembanyama will be good enough to let them win 35+ games, but what more can a rookie on this team really do? The main thing: Watch the Spurs for Wemby and Wemby alone.
11. Minnesota Timberwolves - 38-44 - It’s surprising for me personally to put the Timberwolves so low. For as much as I pay attention to the Wolves Anthony Edwards, and by extension the rest of the team, you would think I would maintain enough optimism for them to put them into a top-10 seed, at least. But nope. This team is just lacking the depth. Anthony Edwards, University of Georgia alumnus and hot fry addict, is amazing. He’s so authentically himself. He’s so confident, so funny, there hasn’t been anyone like him in a long time. And he’s also like really good at basketball. Karl-Anthony Towns, who is a 6’11 three point-shooting* star, is excellent, but he can be shaky at times. Rudy Gobert, the teammate-punching, COVID-denying menace himself (he later apologized for the latter and donated millions of N-95s to the French government), was too bad last year to be considered a star. I just don’t know enough about what this team will be to confidently say that they can make the playoffs. The main thing: ?????? This team could be great, good, or terrible. I really have no idea. This seems like the safest bet.
One of three done! Man, that was so awesome. I just love writing about the NBA. It’s so fun to turn what I watch 8 months of the year into an art form. It just comes so naturally to me. I feel like I’m really hitting a groove with this newsletter thing, and I can’t wait for parts 2 and 3.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time, (hopefully in 2 days)
Ian
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