Hey y’all! It’s Ian.
The Super Bowl is huge. It’s basically America’s most popular holiday. Hundreds of millions of people gather around tiny TVs in bars, forming kinships with slightly drunk strangers in tank tops and face paint that we’ve never seen before. All of this is required in order to watch the conclusion to our favorite pastime: the National Football League season. The Super Bowl is an event.
And, as such, that means that there are going to be a bunch of people watching this game that have no idea about football. Like you, probably. Maybe you’re a friend, family member, or a significant other, dragged into this by people you care about dearly. Maybe you are interested in the game but don’t know where to start. Maybe you just really like Taylor Swift.
That’s where I come in. I didn’t see too many other people writing about the Super Bowl for everyone, and I was like, “That’s dumb. Someone should do that.” Then I was like, “Hold up - Ian, don’t you have a newsletter devoted to writing about this kind of stuff?”
“Indeed I do, Ian,” I responded.
“So, you should write about the Super Bowl, your way!” I said.
“Wow, what a great idea!”
“Thanks, Ian!”
“You’re welcome, Ian!”
So here we are.
The Kansas City Chiefs are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very good. The main reason for that is their Kermit the Frog-sounding, dad-bod flaunting superstar quarterback named Patrick Mahomes. He throws lots of touchdowns, but his best skill is his instincts, his split-second decision making, his improv skills, if you will. Patrick Mahomes, since coming to the Chiefs, has made them the NFL’s premier franchise for at least the last five years, possibly more. They have been in three of the four Super Bowls in the 2020s. Also, their coach, an adorable little fudge cake named Andy Reid, is one of the best coaches ever. Basically, the Chiefs are probably going to win this game. They are, and have been, the NFL’s cream of the crop.
So, in case you’ve been living under a rock, Taylor Swift, the most famous woman in America, is dating the Kansas City Chiefs’ Travis Kelce. She’s been showing up at all his games and cheering and doing other stuff to show her love for this guy. It’s all very sweet. And she’s just been getting killed for it. Nearly every NFL fan hates Taylor Swift for no reason. Well, actually, there is a reason, it’s just stupid. They hate the Chiefs (more on that to come later), and they are jealous of the Chiefs and Travis Kelce, and feel self-conscious and embarrassed about their own teams, and because of that, people hate on Taylor Swift. As weird as it sounds, Taylor Swift has become a cause for “mine’s bigger than yours” toxic alpha-maleness. These psycho fans just need to Shake It Off, honestly.
Don Cheadle, War Machine, and Paul Rudd, Ant-Man - both from Kansas City, apparently. They definitely have a similar vibe I think, but it didn’t strike me as a Kansas City-type of vibe. I guess if there’s ever a robbery at a big barbeque place, they’ll know who to call.
Other famous people from Kansas City:
Jason Sudeikis, the most overrated SNL cast member ever (and I loved Ted Lasso),
Eric Stonestreet, who plays Cameron in Modern Family,
Rob Riggle, who I don’t really know much about except that his name is funny,
Walt Disney, who’s this little-known owner of a small animation company, and
Janelle Monae, whose album covers are so weird I’ve never listened to any of her music.
If you really love Holey Moley or movies with barely-hidden racist stereotypes, this is the team for you.
Yeah, so one of the bad things about the Chiefs is that no one really likes them. I mean, obviously, they have a fantastic fanbase, but that’s mostly made up of people from Missouri (and Taylor Swift fans). If you’re not around one of those, people are going to be really mad at you if you like the Chiefs. It’s completely normal in sports for the best team to be super unpopular (we call this the “Pats Effect”), but just be prepared to take some heat, and also dish some out. I find that saying “shut up my teams good” is pretty effective in a jiffy.
The San Francisco 49ers are a classic “underdog” team. Their quarterback, Brock Purdy (what. a. name.), was actually picked dead last in the 2022 NFL Draft. Their superstar tight end, George Kittle, has spent the last 3-4 years being told that he’s just a little bit worse than Travis Kelce, every year. Their running back, Christian McCaffery, spent the beginning of his career getting hurt once a season. As I write this, the 49ers are two-point favorites (according to BetMGM1), but like, they’re the clear underdogs here, Vegas you’re not tricking anyone.
They may not have a chance to win this game, but they damn sure will look good loosing. I mean, look at some of these outfits:
This is one of the most stacked groups of bands I’ve seen in a single city. Metallica and The Grateful Dead are the headliners, but there’s also Santana, the Steve Miller Band, Sly and the Family Stone, Counting Crows, Jefferson Airplane, Journey, Huey Lewis and the News, and the Doobie Brothers. Geez.
Other famous people not in bands from San Francisco:
Danny Glover, who is not related to Donald Glover (Donald Glover is trying to become Danny Glover, actually - he’s in a Mr. and Ms. Smith reboot now),
Clint Eastwood, who I just found out is listed as a “former mayor” on Google,
Bruce Lee, who I don’t know enough about to make a joke about, and
Alicia Silverstone, who became a teen idol by wearing a lot of plaid and thinking it was cool.
If you really like The Bear’s soundtrack or movies where cowboys are way too mysterious, this is the team for you.
Seriously, no one likes the Chiefs. People will like you if you hate the Chiefs.
In case you haven’t heard by now, Usher, the famous rapper/R&B artist and my dad’s high school classmate (yes, seriously), is doing the Super Bowl halftime show in Las Vegas this year.
Usher is super, super-duper famous, but he’s only intersected with sports a few times. In 2005, he was part of a group that bought the Cleveland Cavaliers for $375 million. Usher only invested 9 million, so he owns like 0.024% of the Cavs, which is for some reason really, really funny. He keeps teasing that he might buy a pro sports franchise, but there’s just, like no way he has enough money for that. Also, he once stole former Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith Sr’s seat at a NASCAR game, just because he could.
In the 2022 NBA playoffs, he in the courtside seats sat next to Tee Morant, Ja Morant’s dad, and this was the result:
IDK. Usher is a pretty normal guest for the Super Bowl, if that makes any sense. Yeah, sometimes you have incredible guests like Beyonce, Rihanna, Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre, or Prince, and then sometimes you have The Who or Kid Rock (I love The Who, but like, why? I hate Kid Rock, and like, why?). Usher falls somewhere in between, in the realm of Maroon 5 and Justin Timberlake. I’m intrigued, yet wary. Yeah! and DJ Got Us Falling In Love are two of the best club songs of all time (very different vibes, but still), and OMG is super fun, but after that, his discography sort of falls off.
So, usually, the guest brings out at least one secret, unannounced guest to perform a song together, or even to just show off their music. This year, it’s very obvious who at least one of the guests will be - Ludacris. He’s the perfect surprise guest - someone with tons of hits who won’t overshadow the headliner. From there, it’s kind of easy to figure out:
Ludacris (Yeah!) - Geniunely excited to see this. And not just because I can’t wait to see how the NFL hilariously censors his songs.
Lil Jon (Yeah!)- Because who else is going to remind us of the dangers of smoking if we don’t have Lil Jon?
Pitbull (DJ Got Us Falling in Love) - An international superstar, Pitbull was rumored to be a part of the Shakira-JLo-Bad Bunny-J Balvin (my personal favorite) halftime show, but he wasn’t, and now he can be. The dude is as much a meme as he is a legend now. Only reason I couldn’t see this happening is he would actually overshadow Usher.
Alicia Keys (My Boo) - Again, another person in kind of the Pitbull territory. But My Boo is like, his second-best song, so it might just be inevitable at this point. Hopefully her performance won’t be as bad as her 2013 National Anthem (beautiful rendition, but cmon Alicia you made the National Anthem TWO AND A HALF MINUTES.)
will.i.am (OMG) - Like Jason Mraz, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and MC Lyte, I will never be able to see will.i.am as anything more than his incredible performance on Sesame Street. “What I Am” is truly one of the greatest songs of all time.2
There are three big musical acts from Las Vegas (where the Super Bowl is being held) that Usher could also bring on. Honestly, any of them would make amazing guests. There’s Imagine Dragons, the 3rd biggest band of the 2010s (behind Coldplay and Maroon 5). There’s The Killers, my favorite of the three and an iconic band of the mid-2000s.3
But the absolute, 100% best-case 1-in-1,000,000,000 chance thing that happens? Usher reunites Panic! at the Disco.
Think about it! Wouldn’t it be amazing? Like, there’s just no way this is going to happen, but Panic! at the Disco is one of the biggest bands of the late 2000s and 2010s, and they were still making classics even as they teetered on the edge of collapse. If Usher reunited them for one night only, he’ll free himself from the Maroon 5-category and enter the Prince territory. Then maybe he can finally get us all to listen to his upcoming album.
Thanks for having me, it’s been a blast.
-Ian
You know, that company that has the ads where Jamie Foxx dunks a basketball while screaming at us, then later he’s aggressively waving his phone in front of a giant fountain while gold lions burst into flames in the background.
As a Sesame Street superfan, I can honestly say that this song is top-three in the Sesame Street discography. My top five:
“1234” by Feist - The real version of this song is Feist’s big hit. It has 17 milllion views on Youtube. The Sesame Street version has 996 million views. Do with that what you will.
“Outside” by Jason Mraz - True story - the first time I heard “I’m Yours” I thought it was a ripoff because I had only ever heard “Outside”.
“What I Am” by will.i.am - Honestly, he’s probably was high and had an extreme head cold while he performed this, and it’s still a banger.
“Habitat” By Lin-Manuel Miranda - OK, seeing Alexander Hamilton as a greasy real-estate agent trying to convince Big Bird to upend his life, leave all his friends, and move thousands of miles away is the weirdest thing I’ve seen today.
“Check that Shape” by Nick Jonas - Never mind. Seeing Nick Jonas getting sexually aroused by shapes while Bert, Cookie Monster and the Count try to rhythmically say “octagon” is weirder.
Can you imagine a song as good as “Mr Brightside” being performed at the Super Bowl, to the entire world, all while Brandon Flowers is joyously prancing around like a madman in his pink jacket?
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