There’s this narrative going around recently that the men’s March Madness has “lost its way” or whatever and that the women’s tournament is better. 50% of that is true - the women’s tournament is better, but men’s March Madness is still amazing. March Madness is still amazing. The chance to watch random dudes tear up the court, some of whom look like this:

is just so, so fun.

IDK who started this narrative, but they need to be fired. March Madness is amazing. There’s so much happening all the time and I almost never entirely know what’s going on - it’s hilarious and fun and awesome. So let’s talk about it.

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My Bracket

Y’all, you do not understand the lengths I had to go to to get this picture to y’all. I mean that crap was like 18 steps. Also please do not ask why there is a Grand Canyon-sized gap between the picture. I. Have. No. Idea.

UConn is the popular pick this year, but I think the incredible starting five of Tennessee is just too overwhelming for most teams. Dalton Knecht is a white Devin Booker, Jonas Aidoo is Jaren Jackson with the shooting, Zakai Zeigler is a skinny Jameer Nelson, and Santiago Vescovi and Josiah Jordan-James are Bruce Brown/Horace Grant-level glue guys. No other starting five in the country can compete with that.

But y’all didn’t come to see my analysis, you came for a vibes check. So let’s get into it.

East Bracket

#8 Florida Atlantic - #9 Northwestern (3/22, 12:15 PM ET)

FAU and Northwestern are effectively net zeroes when compared against each other - FAU allows 73.3 ppg, Northwestern allows 69, FAU is 34th in Net Rating, Northwestern is 39th. They both have balanced scoring, modest rebounding and above-average three-point shooting. But there are two things that I think are going to be the deciding factors. #1 - Brains. As far as I can tell, this is the biggest dropoff in average smartness between two colleges in all of March Madness. Florida Atlantic (FAU) has an acceptance rate of 81.3%, while the elite Northwestern University only accepts 4.7% of students. They say that brains trump brawn - well, it’s time to prove it. Also, #2 - Names. Northwestern’s two best players are Boo Buie and Brooks Barnhizer. Move over, Dolphins, these are the new Killer Bees. They also have three dudes named Blake on their roster.

West Bracket

#6 Clemson - #11 New Mexico (3/22, 3:10 PM)

Clemson is a very weird team for me. I like their best player, PJ Hall. He’s a total weirdo who swallows up boards and does cool layups and hits threes and screams (like, a distressingly high amount of screaming).

Clemson isn’t a very flashy team, but they get the job done. There’s a very good chance they could make a deep run if PJ Hall can continue his greatness. He is very good and very cool and one of my favorite players.

But I completely hate everyone else on this team.

I can’t help it - they all look like college fratboy assholes. And while I’m sure they are all very nice people, I can’t in good conscience root for dudes who look like college fratboy assholes! I mean, look at how little they brushed their hair! It’s more than a little concerning!!!

If I was gonna root for one guy on Clemson that’s not PJ, it would be either the dude named Ian, for obvious reasons, or Chauncey Wiggins. You don’t meet very many Chaunceys in life, so when you do, you have to cherish it.

But still, New Mexico all the way. It’s not hard to have better vibes than Beta Theta Pi over here.1

Midwest

#7 Florida - #10 Colorado (3/22, 4:30 PM)

Cody Williams, Colorado’s 6’8 small forward, has overcome incredible hardships on his way to being a great basketball player. This dude is a projected top-10 pick in this year’s draft, he’s #1 on NBADraft.net’s mock, he’s shooting 55% from the field and 41% from three, and led Colorado to a 25-10 record, all while having the most adorable baby face i’ve ever seen.

Growing up just outside of Phoenix, I imagine he was bullied relentlessly for his boyish appearance. He couldn’t show up to a pick-up game with that face and expect to be picked at all. He had to grind constantly to overcome his baby-ness. He can’t ever tell someone that they’re “too little” or even scream triumphantly without drawing laughter. His puppy-dog eyes don’t allow him to stare down anyone after a tough move! That’s awful. And despite this, he has still managed to climb the basketball mountaintop. Truly, he is an inspiration to us all.

Other than Cody Williams, KJ Simpson and Tristan da Silva are very good, and Eddie Lampkin is like another DJ Burns, but with cooler hair.

Florida is a great team. I would know, the one Georgia game I ventured up to Athens to attend this year, they destroyed us. They went on a crazy run in the SEC Tournament, and it earned them a Tourney appearance. But their best players just aren’t as good, and it doesn’t help that their 7’2 leading rebounder broke his leg. Colorado is tall, long, they can shoot, and, of course, they have the Baby-Faced Assassin. The Buffs get the W here.

Midwest

#1 Purdue - #16 Grambling State (3/22, 7:25 PM)

Yeah, usually 1-vs-16 matchups suck. The 16 seeds are the worst four teams in the tournament, and they get to play the best teams in the tournament, the 1 seed. As their prize for a hard-fought season and (likely) winning their conference tournament, they get to have their butts kicked by an insanely OP superteam who doesn’t even consider the game a challenge.

But Purdue is different. Not because they care more about these games - no, they care even less. They try even less hard. I mean, three years in a row, they’ve been a top-3 seed or better. Two of those, they’ve lost. In 2023, they played tiny Farleigh-Dickinson, a school in Southeast Jersey with a student body of just over 6,000. Guess who won that game.

Then, in 2022, they played an even tinier school, Saint Peter’s, a tiny Jesuit school, also in Jersey, with a student body of just 2,000 (yes, you read that right). And while it was in the Sweet 16, guess who won that game.

So yeah, don’t be suprised if you turn on the TV and Grambling State is tied or even beating ‘mighty’ Purdue.

Besides, Grambling is super fun. This is their first time ever making the tournament, and to get here not only did they have to win the SWAC tournament, they also had to beat Montana State in the First Four on a game-sealing putback dunk. Their jerseys are really cool, their names are really cool (Kintavious Dozier and Tra’Michael Moton) - maybe it’s their year.

I honestly don’t even want to pick a winner here because chances are Purdue just freaking loses. I certainly won’t be cheering for them.

Thanks for having me, it’s been a blast.

-Ian